- Gender and Relationships»
- Non-Monogamous Relationships
Alone vs. Lonely: Are You That Desparate, Really?
Lately, I have notice on another site the incredible amount of blubbering going on about being lonely, in the relationship department. This has always been foreign territory for me. I've never been a person who had to be in a relationship, nor have relationships ever difined who I am.
I've never been a lonely person. I do enjoy the never having to answer to anyone where I've been, where I am going, and want I am doing. At the same time I do enjoy being social, and I have been known to turn anything into a mixer. The public persona of myself is out-going, and humorous. I usually am, the direct opposite of these folks who need (or feel they need) to be in a relationship. I find relationships constricting, and limiting. So when I am in one, my significant partner can not be a possessive person. I am by nature not a jealous person, so the person I am with can't be either. But when I am with someone, I am with them until trust is broken. Once that is broken I am gone.
I have never been a lonely person. I have always been that way. My mom used to tell people that, "even when he is alone, he's never lonely. He just has so much going on and keeps busy with things." Freud said loneliness is a by-product of not liking yourself. I would have to agree with that concept. I am personally ok, either way I do enjoy being out and about. But I am just as relieved to come home and do my own thing.
Why do people need other people to define who they are? Seriously I know people who bounce from one relationship to the next. That is sounds crazy to me, to rush in and "fall in love" just as quick. I would say that is a sickness, just as much as any other compulsive behavior. Don't get me wrong...I am a dater, but not a relationship fanatic.
In turn I had once purposely went with out being serious or involved with anyone for 2 years. I sent that time just focusing on myself. Got introspective, and defined what I wanted. I still went out, had fun, but I focus on myself. But reading many posts on other sites I notice an obsessive need to be with someone. Don't you think this is where many are setting themselves up for failure. This "I have to have someone, or I can't make it alone." mentallity? Don't you think this is a bit desparate? Who would want anything long term or promising with someone who is in the grips of desparation?
Who in their right minds would want someone so insecure with themselves? First thing you need to learn is first become your own person, be able to stand on your own. Second find someone else who is able to stand on their own two feet as well. Third understand no other person is going to make you "whole" or "complete you" Fourth, when you find someone who can grow with you as an equal, a parallel, two separate people who compliment each other, who reflect each other. "The two lost souls finding each other and rescuing each other" sounds romantic, but rarely works. Neither does picking up "the strays" or trying to help "fix" the "wounded" person ever really work out.
Nature as proven that strays will only come around when no one else with feed them, and the wounded with usually fly away once their wings have healed. So, maybe I sound cynical, but I would like to think of myself as selective.
Remember some old adages:
Single for a reason
Meet them in a bar, lose them in a bar
A leopard doesn't change his spots, but he will try a different hunting ground once in a while.
Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing
Don't dip your pen in the company ink
Beware of strangers baring gifts
Trust your insticts, but listen to friends
And if he/she sounds too good to be true...well?
I read a post not too long ago and the person was asking, "why can't I find a serious boyfriend/girlfriend? After we have sex I never hear from him/her again." First, I think if you are looking for more than something casual; you should be open and honest about that. Understand the other person may not want something serious. And most of all remember this especially; from a man's point of view..."It's never the kill, but the thrill of the chase." For many men it's about conquest, the hunt. Instictively our inner man pig will show through, and many will tell you what you want to hear, just to "seal the deal."
But for godsakes people, drop this "I have to be in a relationship" mentality. Gain self-confidence, self-reliance, self-esteem and most of all gain yourself. By all means get out and be social. Talk and listen; laugh and smile...but mostly don't put any pressure on yourself to be more than anything more than interesting. Remember it's perfectly ok to be alone...but lonely...mmmm....not so much.
I once for a New Year's Resolution decide for one year that I would talk to 5 new people each day...outside of work and my usual gathering places. Give it a try 5 strangers, just talk...It doesn't have to be conversation, long or drawn out, but just talk.
Give it a try, and get to know yourself in the process as well.