Am I Another 'Never Satisfied' Woman?
I live in a lovely home, have the career I always wanted, married a loving and devoted wife, and have an incredible son without having to distort my body to get him. So why do I feel like I am never satisfied?
Since I was a young girl, all I could imagine ever becoming was a teacher. Though I had to defer my dream slightly to give myself more time to mature, in 2009 my dream came true. Non-certified, but with a degree in English, I thought I was going to have a hard time finding a job, but I didn't. A principal went against her superintendent and insisted that he hire me. My career in education has been full of experiences much like that. When I moved to South Carolina, I set my sights on a school; and, before the summer began, I had already secured a job for myself. This job is everything I have ever wanted. So what is wrong with me?
The Jefferson's Theme Song
After years of struggling, I can finally say that we just may be the Jones. We live in a lovely home in the suburbs, where neighbors pass and smile while walking their dogs. Our son is in a great school where he is flourishing academically and actively involved in extracurricular activities. We have investments in commodities and stock. We have savings in the bank. We both drive the cars we want and are able to happily indulge ourselves with little things we enjoy. I can't recall the last time we wanted a steak and had to settle for a burger. So what is wrong with me?
Well, I can't really answer that question. It seems that I am always just one thing away from joy. I didn't like living in Louisiana, so we relocated to South Carolina. I didn't like teaching in inner city schools, so I got a job working in the country. I didn't like my compact car, so I got an SUV. I wasn't satisfied with simply raising her son and wanted my own child, so we are planning to have a baby. But everything still leaves me feeling unsatisfied. And then I thought, it may be the one thing she can't give me that I am missing. Family.
My sisters mean the world to me, and it's very difficult missing out on their lives and their children's lives since we live so far apart. When the three of us get together, it is an amusement ride of brutal honesty, good laughs, and good food. If I should happen to miss my niece in a parade, or my sister's birthday party, or Christmas Day with my sisters I am down for days. I have tried fruitlessly to convince my wife that we should be closer to home.
As a matter of fact, I don't even know how my life became a road trip of sorts. It seemed that all was coming together for us. She was out of work and back in school for her master’s degree, but I had gotten my first teaching job a few hours away from home, so we moved- close enough to visit regularly but far enough away to maintain our sanity. I was even helping her get a job with the local police department. Then her one weekend a month, two weeks a year, part time military job became her full time career. Something in my bones told me that that wasn't for me. And I knew for certain it wasn't for her son. But I was desperately trying to be the dutiful and supportive wife. And I feel guilty for even wanting her career to end. Quite honestly, her career has afforded us a level of security neither of us has ever known together. But I don't know if this is all worth it. As we talk about growing our family, I wonder- Can I have a child who doesn't know the love of an auntie like my nieces know how much I love them? Or am I just never satisfied?
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