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Am I Single or Taken?

Updated on December 5, 2014

Every time I go out, I notice couples happy and in love. I wonder, "When will that happen for me?" Sometimes, I do become a little jealous, but I am happy for all the amazing couples in the world, married and unmarried.

However, there is a problem. I'm not "technically" single. Therefore, I shouldn't be jealous of other couples.

Each year since I was thirteen, I've been in an on and off again relationship with my best friend. Now, you're probably thinking, "Who wants to be on an emotional rollercoaster?" No one, obviously!

We keep breaking up and getting back together because of me. For some odd reason, I keep running back to him because our relationship is one that has a lot of memories and history. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. He is the one I gave my virginity to (aw moment), but that's not the reason why I stay.

Honestly, I don't have a legitimate reason as to why I keep going back to him, other than the fact that I love him. There's no passion, no fire. Whenever we go out, we do the same thing: dinner and a movie. I asked him to go skydiving, horseback riding and take a trip to Disney World and he declined all of these. He said he isn't jumping out a plane, nor is he riding a horse because of his fear of heights, and he says Disney is too childish and he doesn't ride rides because he is too old.

I remember telling him he was boring because we never do anything fun or anything that I want to do. We always do what he wants to do. He responded suggest something and when he did, he declined every offer. It's safe to assume that we are two different people.

I'm adventurous and he isn't. I continue to date him because I believe love goes in cycles. Sometimes, there is passion and sometimes there isn't and that's okay. My only issue is there hasn't been any passion for awhile and I'm getting restless. I try to ignore these feelings because I know eventually, it will go away. Him and I have been friends for eight years and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I just don't love him like I used to or maybe I never did.

Recently, he discovered he had a one month old daughter and I was happy for him, honestly. However, I remember telling him prior to this discovery that I am not ready for children. I want to explore the world before I start a family. I told him being a mother would require me to put my life on hold for the sake of my children and I'm not ready for that. (I know this isn't true for most mothers, but the type of mother I want to be would require me to be around 24/7.)

He was irate and he called me selfish. I just wanted him to understand that I want to be a part of every aspect of my child's life and at this point in my life, I wouldn't be able to do that. Therefore, it would be best if I did produce children. I didn't see why he would be upset when I was just being honest. I'm a woman and being a parent is harder for a woman than it is for a man. I tried explaining that to him and he said being a mother isn't that hard. We got into an argument, but I won't bore you with the details.

Moving on, we never agree on anything. I want to be married before I have kids. He doesn't want to get married because he "doesn't want his life to slow down" (his words, not mine). I said the same thing when we had the kid discussion and he got mad. But, when he said this, I didn't get mad, I just accepted the fact that he won't be my husband.

I guess I put a lot of pressure on this relationship because we are best friends and I never want anything to keep us from being friends. However, as I write this, I realize that he probably isn't my best friend. He is like a stranger to me. When we first met, we were kids and now we're adults. We have different hobbies and interests.

I have always tried to have this conversation with him, but I already know how it's going to go. He isn't going to understand my point of view and he is going to be nonchalant about the situation. I hate discussing his shortcomings because he really is a good person underneath the craziness,but I just needed to let this go.

BTW, whenever we were "off", I would always date someone else, but then I would end the relationship and go back to him because I love him and I really want this relationship to work. It's hard being with him when every fiber of my being tells me to leave. Currently, we're "off", but we still talk. We never really have anything to talk about other than small talk.

Is this how long term relationships are? The passion dies and the communication stops as well?


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    • Shay L profile imageAUTHOR

      Shay Lee 

      3 years ago from Florida

      Aw thanks, that was completely honest. I needed to hear that. Thanks for the encouraging words of wisdom.

    • Life and Luxury profile image

      Life and Luxury 

      3 years ago from South Beach, FL

      This hub really honest about the push-pull of some relationships and their place in our lives.

      To answer your question, "Is this how long term relationships are? The passion dies and the communication stops as well?" I think you've got to have marriage in there first before you can evaluate this. Because when someone doesn't have marriage on their mind with you, then the rest does not matter. They are not dedicated at the outset to communication and maintaining passion with you.

      While you've got your youth, I would never be romantic with this man again. It is wrong for a man to get upset with you about not wanting kids yet not have marriage on his mind with you.

      A man who really wants you will show you in every way how dedicated he is to you. He will talk about marriage. And he will look forward to having new experiences with you, at least during the courtship stage.

      He said he doesn't want his life to slow down? Heck, he is slowing YOU down. You want to have those horse-back riding adventures, vacations, go forward and get married, and he is holding it back. And now he has a kid to boot, which is further going to take more of his time and financial and emotional attention away. You sound like you would be a fun girlfriend and wife, not the other way around.

      You've got a great future ahead of you, but I think with a different man!

    • Shay L profile imageAUTHOR

      Shay Lee 

      3 years ago from Florida

      Sure, I welcome any advice.

    • Life and Luxury profile image

      Life and Luxury 

      3 years ago from South Beach, FL

      Hi Shay, I totally got wrapped up in your hub. As a married woman with a lot of experience being single beforehand, I would really like to give you some advice, words I hope will help you out, but I don't want to rub you the wrong way. If you would like me to follow up more, please leave a response. You sound a nice woman who would make a good future wife for someone.


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