Am I Single or Taken?
Every time I go out, I notice couples happy and in love. I wonder, "When will that happen for me?" Sometimes, I do become a little jealous, but I am happy for all the amazing couples in the world, married and unmarried.
However, there is a problem. I'm not "technically" single. Therefore, I shouldn't be jealous of other couples.
Each year since I was thirteen, I've been in an on and off again relationship with my best friend. Now, you're probably thinking, "Who wants to be on an emotional rollercoaster?" No one, obviously!
We keep breaking up and getting back together because of me. For some odd reason, I keep running back to him because our relationship is one that has a lot of memories and history. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. He is the one I gave my virginity to (aw moment), but that's not the reason why I stay.
Honestly, I don't have a legitimate reason as to why I keep going back to him, other than the fact that I love him. There's no passion, no fire. Whenever we go out, we do the same thing: dinner and a movie. I asked him to go skydiving, horseback riding and take a trip to Disney World and he declined all of these. He said he isn't jumping out a plane, nor is he riding a horse because of his fear of heights, and he says Disney is too childish and he doesn't ride rides because he is too old.
I remember telling him he was boring because we never do anything fun or anything that I want to do. We always do what he wants to do. He responded suggest something and when he did, he declined every offer. It's safe to assume that we are two different people.
I'm adventurous and he isn't. I continue to date him because I believe love goes in cycles. Sometimes, there is passion and sometimes there isn't and that's okay. My only issue is there hasn't been any passion for awhile and I'm getting restless. I try to ignore these feelings because I know eventually, it will go away. Him and I have been friends for eight years and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I just don't love him like I used to or maybe I never did.
Recently, he discovered he had a one month old daughter and I was happy for him, honestly. However, I remember telling him prior to this discovery that I am not ready for children. I want to explore the world before I start a family. I told him being a mother would require me to put my life on hold for the sake of my children and I'm not ready for that. (I know this isn't true for most mothers, but the type of mother I want to be would require me to be around 24/7.)
He was irate and he called me selfish. I just wanted him to understand that I want to be a part of every aspect of my child's life and at this point in my life, I wouldn't be able to do that. Therefore, it would be best if I did produce children. I didn't see why he would be upset when I was just being honest. I'm a woman and being a parent is harder for a woman than it is for a man. I tried explaining that to him and he said being a mother isn't that hard. We got into an argument, but I won't bore you with the details.
Moving on, we never agree on anything. I want to be married before I have kids. He doesn't want to get married because he "doesn't want his life to slow down" (his words, not mine). I said the same thing when we had the kid discussion and he got mad. But, when he said this, I didn't get mad, I just accepted the fact that he won't be my husband.
I guess I put a lot of pressure on this relationship because we are best friends and I never want anything to keep us from being friends. However, as I write this, I realize that he probably isn't my best friend. He is like a stranger to me. When we first met, we were kids and now we're adults. We have different hobbies and interests.
I have always tried to have this conversation with him, but I already know how it's going to go. He isn't going to understand my point of view and he is going to be nonchalant about the situation. I hate discussing his shortcomings because he really is a good person underneath the craziness,but I just needed to let this go.
BTW, whenever we were "off", I would always date someone else, but then I would end the relationship and go back to him because I love him and I really want this relationship to work. It's hard being with him when every fiber of my being tells me to leave. Currently, we're "off", but we still talk. We never really have anything to talk about other than small talk.
Is this how long term relationships are? The passion dies and the communication stops as well?