An Abusive Man Can And Will Hit You Again
Can he change?
If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He may convince her that he is sorry and he will not do so, but he will. She will offend him again, he will get angry again, he will find a way to put the blame on her. She will buy it. He feeds off of her degradation. He derives subconscious gratification from controlling her. It is a power struggle that he must win to feel dominant. He needs to feel dominant to feel success as a man.
Where he has come upon the idea that manhood means domineering his surrounding is unclear. In many cases it is a simple matter of following in his father’s footsteps and that of his father before him. A case, if you will, of a man apprenticing his forefather’s chauvinistic ways. Of course the cycle must start somewhere. Where that somewhere is has yet to be satisfactorily answered. What remains is that somewhere in history a boy’s heart turned cold and grew into a man mean and narrow minded.
There is often a fear that if they do not have absolute control over the woman in his life, she will not respect him. This man needs attention in the form of absolute devotion. He has a misplaced feeling of rejection that causes him to overreact to the simplest of perceived slights. This is more dangerous than the man who claims he does not know any better because this is the man women think they can change.
Yes, a man can be rehabilitated. No, most will not. The man who changes his ways is a man who’s wake up call honestly hits home and he wants to change. That man is atypical. Public counseling is not readily available and often unadvertised. Professional counseling is not cheap. Most men only learn of counseling locations and availability upon being court ordered and by that point he is resentful at having another man undermine him which is not the ideal frame of mind for entering effective counseling.
With that in mind, counseling is only effective if he chooses to let it be. Mandatory attendance is not equivalent to mandatory transformation. He has to want it. He has to need it. He has to feel, above all else, that not changing will cost him is entire life. Then, and only then, will he do whatever it takes to become the kind of man he can be proud of.
Unfortunately, that kind of hard earned dedication is lacking in society. It is far easier to say that everybody else is wrong than to admit personal shortcomings. If it is difficult for most to stay on a diet for the strength of willpower it takes to alter one’s habits, triple that at least and that is what an abusive man must have within him to cease the cycle. He will need tough love and unswerving support. His journey, should he choose to accept it, will be prolonged, challenging, and ultimately worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears everyone has put into it. The key word here, is IF. Those two little letters mean everything to a desperate woman dying to make her world right again.
One would be hard pressed to find someone who denies that women and children need help, but there are considerably less people who accept that abusers also need help. We spend an exhausting amount of energy being rightfully angry at men who abuse their wives and/or children that we often forget that they will never change if nobody takes the hard road to help him see his actions for the crimes they are. Communities as a whole must take a stand to protect the weak and the scared in order to make a difference. We must all make it very clear that domestic abuse will not be tolerated in our communities.