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An Abusive Man Can And Will Hit You Again

Updated on October 24, 2010

Can he change?

If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He may convince her that he is sorry and he will not do so, but he will. She will offend him again, he will get angry again, he will find a way to put the blame on her. She will buy it. He feeds off of her degradation. He derives subconscious gratification from controlling her. It is a power struggle that he must win to feel dominant. He needs to feel dominant to feel success as a man.

Where he has come upon the idea that manhood means domineering his surrounding is unclear. In many cases it is a simple matter of following in his father’s footsteps and that of his father before him. A case, if you will, of a man apprenticing his forefather’s chauvinistic ways. Of course the cycle must start somewhere. Where that somewhere is has yet to be satisfactorily answered. What remains is that somewhere in history a boy’s heart turned cold and grew into a man mean and narrow minded.

There is often a fear that if they do not have absolute control over the woman in his life, she will not respect him. This man needs attention in the form of absolute devotion. He has a misplaced feeling of rejection that causes him to overreact to the simplest of perceived slights. This is more dangerous than the man who claims he does not know any better because this is the man women think they can change.

Yes, a man can be rehabilitated. No, most will not. The man who changes his ways is a man who’s wake up call honestly hits home and he wants to change. That man is atypical. Public counseling is not readily available and often unadvertised. Professional counseling is not cheap. Most men only learn of counseling locations and availability upon being court ordered and by that point he is resentful at having another man undermine him which is not the ideal frame of mind for entering effective counseling.

With that in mind, counseling is only effective if he chooses to let it be. Mandatory attendance is not equivalent to mandatory transformation. He has to want it. He has to need it. He has to feel, above all else, that not changing will cost him is entire life. Then, and only then, will he do whatever it takes to become the kind of man he can be proud of.

Unfortunately, that kind of hard earned dedication is lacking in society. It is far easier to say that everybody else is wrong than to admit personal shortcomings. If it is difficult for most to stay on a diet for the strength of willpower it takes to alter one’s habits, triple that at least and that is what an abusive man must have within him to cease the cycle. He will need tough love and unswerving support. His journey, should he choose to accept it, will be prolonged, challenging, and ultimately worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears everyone has put into it. The key word here, is IF. Those two little letters mean everything to a desperate woman dying to make her world right again.

One would be hard pressed to find someone who denies that women and children need help, but there are considerably less people who accept that abusers also need help. We spend an exhausting amount of energy being rightfully angry at men who abuse their wives and/or children that we often forget that they will never change if nobody takes the hard road to help him see his actions for the crimes they are. Communities as a whole must take a stand to protect the weak and the scared in order to make a difference. We must all make it very clear that domestic abuse will not be tolerated in our communities.

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    • profile image

      Jasmine Walker 

      10 months ago

      Well me and my boyfriend have been togehther for almost three years and our relationship has been great until 4 days before my birthday that he slapped,choked me and drug me from the living room to my bedroom. I have never seen that side of him and it scared me. I love him so much and I know he did it because he was hurt and upset but that doesn't mean put ur hands on me. I hate to sleep in my room because it brings that day back in my head and I play it over and over again. I love him but I have lost a lot of trust in him. he proised at the beginning that he would never hit me and when he did my whole world crashed. I cried for months and still do. I cant live without him and that what scares me because what if it happens again. he also made a comment saying that if I ever left him that I better my ssn and my name and move out of town. now that scared me. what should I do. we have no kids together and are not married legal but in his mind we are.

    • profile image

      Nayya 

      13 months ago

      My daughters dad hit me for the first time yesterday night. The craziest part is everyone we know, all of "our" friends, theyre in denial about what he did.

      Theyre basically grooming me for him theyre all apologizing for him. I dont really get it but I know something is wrong with this picture. To make a long story short they want me to just sit and wait for him to come home (He hit me and left). Its all the same:

      " He was just mad" "He was drinking" "Maybe you shouldve just left him alone"

      Then even worse:

      "Why were you bothering him?" "Why did you push him that far?"

      Like I asked to get hit.

      The way I was raised tought me that all adults are responsible for their actions. They do things because they want to. It doesnt matter if I was talking to much to him, It doesnt matter if he was angry he should have controlled himself like the 32yro he is.

      Dont tolorate it. Dont stick around for it. Dont accept it. Dont let other people tell you how to feel. You know rigjt grom wrong just like he does.

    • profile image

      Sad 

      2 years ago

      I've been in a relationship with a man for the past 2 yrs he is mentally and physically abusive. In the first month he given me a fat lip, and has chocked me numerous times, along with countless bruises all over my body from throwing me around . He has gone as far as breaking my back and now 2 ribs all within the past yr. He's bullied me and has made me fearful of him. If I say something that affends him, that will put him into a rage for hours, there has been a few times where I wondered whether I'd be alive the next day. He calls me a whore and a bitch along with other hurtful names.He has kept me from my family and friend and his excuse for that is that their trying to break us up or we are conspiring against him. He only allows me to wear certain clothes, nothing that reveiles any part of my body. While driving I'm not allowed to look anywhere around me, because he says I'm looking at other men. This is only a glimps of what I go through on a weekly basis. The worst part is I'm not a stupid woman, and I know this is wrong, he's only manipulating me and giving me false hope that he will change. I'm scared to lose him because I guess I feel like I've given up on us. I will always love him and hoped that I could of been the one to change him, but I do know now that if I don't leave him that I will end up dying hes just that jealous and controlling.

    • profile image

      J Rivera 

      4 years ago from little egg harbor

      my bf was tickling me really bad and in a fit of giggles; i hit his face. next thing i know he slapped me hard. it hurt and after my body shut down and i fell asleep. he apologized but not before telling me he hit me back to show me he doesn't like being hit. and that if i hit him again, the same thing would happen. we have been together only a month and before hitting me last night. our relationship is already un-healthy. he said he won't do it again. but i am not 100% sure anymore since it has been bothering me for most of the day if he actually enjoyed hitting me or if it was truly an accident. but his apology felt like a jab at me; not an actual apology. am i crazy? i am never one for other people's opinions but this is my first time ever being hit physically and from a bf is even more baffling to me. can you guys un-scramble my confusion please? and thank you.

    • jose7polanco profile image

      Jose Misael Polanco 

      5 years ago from Los Angeles

      Its hard for women to deal with abuses. I did not understand, and still don't, why so many and almost all of my female friends would allow two or more times a boyfriend to hit them, even a simple slap is a lot.

      They always left and returned again just to find their men has not changed yet.

      I read your other article about rape, and i agree everyone responds different even to the same event. Not sure if support my female friends with abuse boyfriends or be straight and highlight the part of him not changing that they fail to notice.

      Thanks.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      6 years ago

      I am Exceedingly sorry for having been absent so long and therefore not replying in a timely manner. I cannot stress enough the importance of treating yourself with the respect you deserve and above all your role as your children's primary advocate. I absolutley get staying because of the children; I did that and it did not achieve anything other then more heartache and pain and more work down the road when they start acting out. I believe there is one question that can sum up whether or not you should leave or try again: 'Is being the best wife I can be hindering my ability to be the best mother I can be?' If the answer is yes, if you have to put the kids' needs aside too often because he needs {insert addiction or material possession here} then the answer is yes, then you leave with the kids. If the answer is no, if you are able to provide your kids with all the time and love and affection they need and they aren't in want of any need regardless of his behavior then there MAY be a chance for him to reconcile as that 'generally' means that he still values his children and your role as their mother.

    • profile image

      jjr 

      6 years ago

      LEARN TO RESPECT URSELF SO PEOPLE CAN RESPECT U AND FIRAT SHOULD BE YOUR KIDS THINK WHAT YOUR MAKN THEM GO THROUGH AND HOW U WNT THEM TO BE IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE GOIN THROUGH THAT IS NOT HEALTHY AT ALL FOR NEIGHTER

    • MissTracey profile image

      MissTracey 

      6 years ago

      I'm abused, too, but c'mon ladies! Sure, take him back after he sits in jail for a while, gets counseling, and does some community service; take everything the judge offers. And then, put him in church, offer his services as usher; insist he build a habitat home. If he can't do that little bit of reparation for his crimes and wants a divorce, keep the authorities on him for child support; sue for physical damages done to your body and property.

      But don't do it from a place of revenge or hate (or even love): do it for justice. It helps him, you, and society to get that antiquated wife-beater rubbish scrubbed from his mind.

    • profile image

      Thinkin... 

      6 years ago

      My husband hit me 4 times everytime we argu, he promise he ill not do it but everytime we fight i expect hit from him,

    • profile image

      dumb&confused 

      6 years ago

      The other night my husband got upset for a comment I said. He smacked me acrossbthe face and knocked me over.I hit him back several times nut this time he hit me hard. He was so angry at me that he didn't let go when I was asking him to. I had to bite him hard I thought I was going to die. He smashed mu phone when I tried calling for help and in between all of this my six month old would not stop crying. I cant really remember what happened well I think I got hit several times in the head. Ive had a headache for two days now. I don't know what to do I'm so confused. I can tell our baby knows who he is and loves him so much I don't know what to do. I don't this isn't the first time this has happened. I need some advice

    • profile image

      Tydeemar 

      6 years ago

      Dear Numb- I totally understand what you're going through. I'm right there with you, unfortunately the damage my husband caused, even after profusely apologizing, is done. You cannot look at and love a man the same after that trust is broken and you become "scared" of him. It could happen again and next time you don't know what will happen, you could lose your life. Is he worth that? Good luck you are in my thoughts. XOXOXO

    • profile image

      Numb 

      6 years ago

      I have been married to my husband for 9 years. He has had violent outbursts (broke a cupboard clean off the hinges) but has never hit me. In January, in a fit of rage, he punched me several times and tried to strangle me. I had him arrested and he moved out. He has gone to counseling and says he has had an "epipheny" and seems to be making real positive changes in his life. I feel like I should give him a chance for the sake of our kids, but I feel nothing for him now...Is that temporary? Am I just angry and hurt? I just don't know if I can go on being married to a man that actually hit me.

    • profile image

      Priyanka 

      6 years ago

      I was married to abusive man. Before others they r wonderful people,alone they show true color. My husband was professor in Ohio state universityColumbus USA I couldn't get justice

    • profile image

      miss j 

      6 years ago

      My boyfreind hit me 3times he is now on remand in prison, he is on trial on the 12th april an he rang me today from prison an said he is sick of me an wot has got to me is am pregnant with his child an was willing to stay an stand by him

    • profile image

      MissUnderstood 

      6 years ago

      Hi, Im Young And i'vebeen abused for 3 years and i recently got abused and i called the cops and he got charged but i took himback bcuz our children i do want to be withhim but don't at the same time i have mixed emotions i don't know what to do :(

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      7 years ago

      Gracie Lake I would definitely say that twenty years was enough! I felt six years was enough. Thank you for taking the time to comment and I hope that you are doing well now.

    • GracieLake profile image

      GracieLake 

      7 years ago from Arizona

      You are spot on in this hub. Whether it's physical or mental abuse, the abuser gets a charge out of trying to dominate the other person and in many cases they can be addicted to the rush of anger. I gave my ex more than 20 years to change -- which I think is a pretty fair opportunity to change, ya think?

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Thank you Cheeky Girl, and you are absolutely right. Victims can be very resourceful in finding reasons to excuse the behaviour; they have to be to try to avoid more of it. I like your added little tid bit!

    • Cheeky Girl profile image

      Cassandra Mantis 

      8 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

      This is a great hub and a very important subject that all women young and old should read. You describe this very well. I am lucky in that I have never had a guy strike or hit me, but I know women who suffer from it constantly and their way of dealing with this varies from "hit him back" all the way to "fetch help", "You need to get help" - to "call the cops" to "I'm leaving and I'm taking the kids with me, you animal!" (last bit added by me just for effect).

      It's an emotive subject, and thanks for raising this, as more people need to understand this.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Thank you sage williams.

      Europewalker, if she is with her family, she probably is doing okay. I also hope she has moved on in a positive manner, especially her little boy. I'm assuming you've tried to find her on the usual social sites? I boycotted them for years but I've been overwhelmed at how many people from my past are there. Keep praying for her and maybe she'll come back into your path again.

    • europewalker profile image

      europewalker 

      8 years ago

      Great hub, I had a friend who took a lot of abuse from her boyfriend. When he broke her sons arm, she finally left him. She moved from TX to her family living in Florida.I never heard from her again and I wonder how things turned out for her.

    • Sage Williams profile image

      Sage Williams 

      8 years ago

      Very well written, I agree with you did a great job on this one.

      Sage

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Thank you blondepoet and pamela99, you are welcome and thank you for taking the time to comment!

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 

      8 years ago from Sunny Florida

      This hub is very true and even counseling isn't always very effective. I lived through all of it many years ago and life does get better when you finally get out and start a new life. I have been married for 14 years to a gentle man who would never knowingly hurt me in any way. Thanks for a good hub.

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 

      8 years ago from australia

      I know this from experience, yes if a man does not seek the proper help, he will hit again :)

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