An Open Letter to Those No Longer in My Life
Letting Go is Never Easy
To Those No Longer a Part of My Life,
You may think I hate you, or no longer care about what you are doing, where you are headed on whatever path you may be on. You may think that I'm still the same person I was when we parted ways. If you think this, then you would be mistaken on all counts, and any other thoughts that may have crossed your mind about me.
As with everyone, my life didn't stop when we parted, even though it may have felt that way at the time. There may have been hard feelings, or there may have been just the passage of time that created the chasm or abyss that is now between us. My life has continued to move forward, sometimes I was pushed and dragged, but it has moved forward.
I am very aware that I'm not an easy person to deal with sometimes. That is something I've understood since I was a young girl. But that can be said for most who are free spirits, and have their own way of looking at the world. But that doesn't make me a bad person, nor does it make you a bad person. It is just how we have developed on our own paths through this world, that isn't always kind or forgiving.
I used to be fearful when someone left me, and there were times when I took all the blame upon myself for a myriad of reasons. The fear I used to have would paralyze me. Now I face the fears, not with the temper tantrums of a child, but with the reasoning of a woman who knows her worth.
Fear by Blue October, this song says the feelings I'm unable to express eloquently.
Fear and doubts need to be erased, before one can move forward on any path.
My dear former friends, I don't ask for forgiveness, because forgiveness is not needed, nor is it desired. I know that last sentence sounds very self centered and callous, but when you read further perhaps some understanding may come into play. Perhaps on some level I am, but know that when I told you I would be your friend and love you unconditionally, I meant it. All I can say is that for the most part I was coming from a place of fear and doubt. I had a fear of abandonment, a fear of being unloved, a fear of not being wanted. Most of all a fear that I was destined for a life of being a doormat.
That last is not something that anyone wants to be. But at the time it seemed that no matter what I did to please others, the more I was unable to do just that, and sadly enough I was definitely not pleasing myself. The more I tried to please, the more alone I felt, the more doubts about who was true and who wasn't. The more doubts about who I was as a person plagued my consciousness.
I spent twelve years trying to please someone who will never be pleased, because they too are unhappy within themselves. I thought I could fix that, along with other things. I was in an abusive relationship. Even though the bruises couldn't be seen, they were their. The cuts went deep into the core of me, making me doubt EVERYTHING I knew about me, my children, my family and most of all my friends.
I don't ask for your forgiveness, but please know that I do apologize for my part in the hurt and the bridges that were burned and damaged.
Love can start in the most unusual of ways.
Since we last spoke, I have learned to love and accept myself. I have learned to listen more. I have learned I am strong and a force to be reckoned with when I put my mind to it. I have found that through true faith and having an idea of what my purpose may be, I have found that elusive feeling of inner peace.
It was during a very dark period in November of 2014, that I found this feeling of peace. After filing for a protective order against my ex-husband, along with modification of child support and visitation, he seemingly kept coming out ahead time after time, and nothing I did seemed to matter. The children weren't happy, and I lost my faith.
One weekend, I was deep into the dark abyss of depression and I couldn't find my way out of it. I was scared and I was grasping for a hand. In that dark abyss, someone heard my cries and took my hand. The hand that reached for me is someone I've known for a while, and understood what I was going through on the depression level, because they too are prone to depression. They also knew what I'd been going through. They listened, they stayed up with me all night talking, calming and saying the things that needed to be said. After that weekend, I slowly began to find something to be truly grateful for in every day, even if it was taking one breath, and then taking another.
I began to pray again. But not prayers of what the Creator could do for me, but being truly thankful for the pain and admitting that I didn't know what the purpose was, but that I was thankful for the faith the Creator has in me.
Not long after starting the prayers of thanks, the Creator opened the doorway for me to find the person meant for me. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he had been going through similar pains at the same time I was. When the door opened, I didn't necessarily see it, but he saw the open door and took the courage, put his hand out to me, and I took it. I've chronicled our adventures in another post, so I won't go into it here, other than to say, we truly were meant to find each other at the time we did and take our relationship to the level it is today of husband and wife.
Releasing pain, hatred and resentment, is the most freeing feeling in the world
Whether through just growing apart or through bad circumstances, know that I wish nothing but the best for you all. Nothing but love for you all. I hope you all find what you are seeking, no matter what your endeavors are. I pray that one day, when you look back, you will hopefully remember the good times we had instead of the bad.
Just know my dear former friends, that if you find you need someone to sit with you and just listen, look me up. I remember all too clearly what it's like. Even if I don't hear from you again, I want you know that you are blessed and I am thankful for the part each of you played in my life. I now know it was all leading me to where I am today. I will always be grateful for that.