And now . . ."10 "More" Ways to Be a Bigger Jerk
Bigger Jerks "love" their own company
Jerks, Jerks and even "Bigger" Jerks
STERN WARNING: this hub contains information that to some people, (those who do have hearts), may find acid and harsh. Although there are no profanities, threatening language or language that promotes violence, drugs, nicotine, alcohol, anarchy or guns, some of this text may tend to cause you some mental distress. And for that, I apologize. Kenneth)
A few weeks ago I published a hub entitled, "10 Ways For You to Be a Jerk," and for a time, I was satisfied with the story. I sat down and re-read it once or twice and it hit me. This is not good enough, I thought. And this too was rare, for very seldom am "I" right when I am thinking about a project that I have completed.
Okay. Let me first explain more about "jerks." And only jerks. No time for me to discuss "smart alec's," "thugs," "troublemakers," or "loafers." Just one subject: "jerks."
"jerks," on the bright side, come in degrees. There are just-plain, everyday "jerks," "powerful jerks," and "horrible jerks," that refuse to change for anyone. Or anything. Even God. That, folks, is the "jerk of all jerks," a "jerk" that refuses to change and just stay his or her obnoxious self.
Here are some characteristics of "jerks" who are at the "Top Level of Jerkdom." (I'm telling you. These "top jerks," are bad news).
- eat with you at a restaurant and eat from your plate when you're not looking.
- they invite you to eat with them at a fine restaurant and force you to leave a hefty tip.
- invite you to ride with them on a business trip and lean on you to pay for the gasoline.
- "Bum" a few bucks from you today. A few more the next day and never offer to pay it back.
- say ugly things about you to your girlfriend and soon, she will be gone--into his arms and leaving you "high and dry."
- smile to your face and stab you in the back in the workplace.
In my original hub, "10 Ways For You to Be a Jerk," my advice was easy. And understandable. If you are "only" content to live life as a "common" jerk, who in time, "can" change.
But in this hub, "10 Ways For You to Be an Even Bigger Jerk," I get down and dirty with my tips. I am not playing around. I know you who are serious about "being the best jerk" on the block do not want me to waste your time, so I won't. I will get on with it. To you, there is not room in the world for a "second rate jerk."
But listen. Before you read this and either memorize or copy this information down with a Bic pen and paper, keep in mind that you are on your own with this volatile information. It's your hide if this information backfires.
So welcome to: "10 Ways For You to Be an Even Bigger Jerk," and this time, I hope that you are all successful, for I do not see myself writing another "jerk"-related hub in the near future.
1.) Set-up a snack stand near the area where a tornado has done some damage and "charge" people for drinks and food items--saying that "you" have to make a living too. (this one stung as it left my fingers on my keyboard). WARNING: you could get beaten-up by angry citizens or arrested by local authorities or both, if you try this one.
2.) Visit nursing homes and flash the centerfolds of Hustler magazine in front of the elderly men. (this one is a "jerk" classic).
3.) "Borrow" your cousin's cute collie puppy and charge area kids to pet it.
4.) Take up donations for a "needy" charity where you serve as director because it's a phony.
5.) Talk-back to your teacher when his or her back is turned, but use the humble kid's voice who is sitting across from you.
6.) Put litter on someone's yard then call the police to file a complaint against their unsightly property.
7.) Visit sick people in the hospital and tell them to look out the window and when they do, swiftly take their Jello-O cup and milk and put them in your pocket to sell to someone up the hall for a cheap price.
8.) Hand-out 8x10 photo's of yourself to people and tell them, "this is a collector's item, but I will take $5.00 for it today and today only."
9.) Get your caring neighbors to bring you various food items for you to distribute to the needy across town, but the "needy" person is you.
10.) Hitch lots of free rides with friends and neighbors without offering to pay them. When they ask, "don't you own a car?" Reply, "yes," but it needs a new tire," then ask that person to "donate" a dollar to your "new tire fund." (I'd say in my humble opinion, this one is "the" worst example of being a bigger jerk than any of the previous nine tips).
WARNING: if "you" are brave-hearted and have no real regard for how you are perceived in public, well by all means, do all of these 10 tips. Be a "bigger" jerk. A more-respected "jerk" than a garden-variety "jerk," but here is what may happen to you . . .
- Lose what friends you do have.
- Get acquainted with the fellas in the city jail for some of these tips are punishable by law if you are caught.
- And try to find a job when your prospective employer has a VHS tape of you doing one of these tips so you can be a bigger, badder "jerk." It might be rough going for awhile, but listen, if you have successfully-negotiated all of these 10 tips, then I suggest hiring yourself out as a contract bodyguard. Those guys are brave, strong and have no regard for how they are perceived by the public. But as a last resort, you could try your hand at being a stand-up comic.
I hope you have enjoyed these, "10 Ways For You to Be an Even Bigger Jerk," hub for it is soon going to be a collector's item.
No more "jerk"-related hubs. I am serious.
I am tired of seeing other people become a success with "my" advice.