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- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
AN ESSAY TO MY ANGRY SISTA'S
To all who read my collection of thoughts: First, I am sorry if I offend you but I hope to make you think and inspire you to be the true sista that you are. I am not a psychologist or sociologist just someone who makes observations. I’m going to touch on several subjects based on my observations and experiences. While this essay does not apply to all sistas, I’m sure you can recognize the importance of my thoughts. Is my life together 100% - no. I must say that we are all a work in progress so we never stop growing, loving, and learning life’s lessons. I do want to share some basic notions to inspire thought.
The purpose of this short collection of thoughts is to address the lack of sisterhood in our communities and in our daily interaction with one another. I had to address this issue because I believe in the positive energy we can share with one another. One day in the future I hope to interact with my sistas, be it in the workplace or service environment, and not clench my teeth because I know there is going to be an issue. Within this collection of thoughts I hope to touch a nerve to inspire growth, acceptance, and excellence in terms of who we are.
THE PROFILE FITS A SPECTRUM OF WOMEN
Beautiful Outside / Ugly Inside
There’s the sista that spends money on her hair, nails, and outfits. Will stare you down upon entering her presence constantly trying to test you or start a problem with you because you look remotely happy or content. No matter how she looks on the outside, she is the ugliest thing on the inside. Mean-spirited and hateful best describes her. She is constantly looking for the next confrontation or reason to be angry with someone.
Low expectations, low results
There is the sista that’s insane in the membrane. They have low expectations for their lives and are sometimes barely putting food on the table if that. They are mad at you, their child’s father, their employer, the sales clerk at the store, and everyone breathing. They are ticking time bombs waiting to explode. They are miserable people who want your life to be miserable too.
There is the bitter woman who is the most tragic person. She was once happy, but life experiences have produced disappointment and she is a shell of her former self. They would love to be a happy and a nice person but that persona was destroyed by failed relationships, or other tragedies, and they are often unpleasant to be around.
There is the insecure woman. These women do all they can within their power to be nasty and do something to hurt others, particularly women. They are mad because they feel you look better than them or your life appears to be happier than theirs. If you ask them for directions they smile and give you wrong directions. If you come from the restroom and began your route to a sink to wash your hands, they will do their best to jump in front of you to make you wait. If they are your waitress and you have a nice looking date they will do their best to ignore you in an empty restaurant.
WHATEVER YOUR SITUATION MIGHT BE IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO THE QUEEN THAT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE! STOP HATING ON OTHER WOMEN!
No woman can touch you! You are #1! Believe this from inside out. If you are in a room full of supermodels you are still a 10. If someone doesn’t see it, then that’s their loss. You may not be where you want to be or you may be exactly where you want to be but whatever your destination know that you are the greatest thing walking. I’m not saying this for you to be arrogant but I want you to be proud of who you are. This knowledge will release you from being a hater and putting stumbling blocks in the path of others. Throw away your childish behavior, mean spirit, and back biting ways.
Next time you feel insecure...........try complementing another person. This will create positive energy for both you and the person your complementing and maybe someone will make you feel great by complementing you in the future.
Know your worth! When you understand who you are, know what you are about, and know what you’re worth you are one bad chick! Knowing your worth will prevent you from experiencing hurt and harm. If your friends aren’t trustworthy or toxic; let them go. If your man doesn’t appreciate you; let him go. Life is short. God didn’t promise us 60 years. We don’t know when our story is going to end so don’t waste your time with people who don’t truly love you for you. By letting these people go you gain more of your confidence, self-esteem, and prevent others from damaging your spirit. We all have fell short of greatness. Don’t be scared to demand what you are worth. Don’t be afraid to demand your destiny and be independent.
I have an aunt who went from two kids on welfare to building her own medical billing business, owns a jaguar, and has a nice home. Your worth is not determined by your situation or circumstance, it is determined by who you choose to become despite your circumstances. Your self worth will increase when you are empowered to choose who you let in your life. Dirty money may buy things but it can’t buy dignity and self-respect, those things are priceless.
You are the author of your own life. If you have 5 kids by 5 different men and have financial problems.............you did that to yourself. No one made you assume that life; it was one that you chose through your own actions. A male friend of mine told me years ago that it’s up to woman if she gets pregnant or not. I was so offended because my initial thought process was it takes two to tango and its equal responsibility in the producing of life. Then I thought about it and later agreed with his viewpoint. Consider if you will someone who wants to play catch with you. Imagine you have a glove and a man is pitching a ball to you. You decide weather or not you will open that glove and allow that ball to enter your mitt or not, just as you are the ultimate gatekeepers of your womb.
Let’s say for arguments sake that things happen, because they do. A child is always a blessing. For arguments sake let’s say taking care of one child is difficult and you can barely do it. Why then would you turn around and have three more under the same circumstances? What is your lesson to the next generation if the goal of each generation is to make it better for our children to achieve? Don’t we want our little girls to know they are worthy of marriage and help from the man with raising a child. When a man really loves, respects, and cares for you he is going to honor her in front of God, family, and friends with a certified commitment. All this begins with choosing a man who loves and respects himself. I’m not saying that a marriage will last forever because who knows what the future holds, but to begin a family I would at least say it’s a good basis to start. We went from jumping brooms to being the highest race with unwed mothers.
You are worth marriage!
Don’t lie to yourself and tell yourself you would rather not get married and you are happy staying with Keyshawn just like it has been for the past 7 years. When people tell me that, I challenge them with two scenarios;
(1) Say you own the latest bmw and it’s titled to you. Let’s say you add custom rims, a stereo system, and dvd player to it and since papers don’t mean anything; put the pink slip in my name. Funny thing -no one has taken me up on that offer yet. I always tell them, “It’s just a piece of paper right”?
(2) If Keyshawn proposed to you with a ring tomorrow and asked you to marry him, would you say no?
Your child is the most valuable person in your life. They are looking to you for direction in life. You can always re-write your reality. Wouldn’t it be great to sit down with your son or daughter and both of you are doing your homework? This will show them that mom is striving for something better and now through her example they will know how to sacrifice for future achievement. This becomes reality for your child and they will find it normal to do the same things that you have as they get older. With this type of example it will be second nature for them to go to college or pursue a trade because they feel that is what is going to make their quality of life better for themselves.
Props to all my wonderful sistas who are raising children and doing the best they can to provide for them. That’s something to be proud of every time you look at yourself in the mirror. Give yourself a high 5 for that one.
Do Not Chase Men. Read a book on Cleopatra. By all accounts she was not the most beautiful woman in the world but she knew how to charm a man. Ratio or no ratio present there is no excuse for you to chase a man. I just see women doing crazy stuff that is so desperate and pathetic. It’s like a man comes in to the room and without him earning your time and essence, women are out there letting him borrow their cars, stay in their homes, cooking dinner, and doing everything. What is wrong with you? I’ve heard black men quote the ratio of black men to women as 12:1 and I tell them one of two things: get out there and get one then OR I tell then how many quality women are there out of that 12? It lets them know that I know I am a quality woman. Besides, if all they want to do is chase anything moving then they are not the man for you. Wait on a man you can respect and who respects and values you as a special woman
Food For Thought:
A man once asked me this question: Who has more power, men or women?
Answer: I said women have more power. I acknowledged, however, we have problems with weak women who have fed into this ratio propaganda and have given power over to the men because they are chasing them. We have the power to accept or reject men and set the standards for what behavior will and will not be tolerated.
The man agreed and was amazed that I knew this was true.
What do we control as women? Everything. There was a Greek play that I once read that had to do with war between two countries. The women got together and decided, married or not, that they would withhold sex from the men until they ended the war. The war ended.
It’s better to be alone then to just pick up anything. Chris Rock said life isn’t short if you with the wrong person. I have to revisit my own philosophies on occasion here and there to make sure that I am on target. Ladies, don’t settle for any man because it's hurtful and damages your self worth. Damage to your self worth is like looking at a cracking mirror. Men can also pick up on when you don't feel much about yourself by what you tolerate from them and how you carry yourself. I want you to know you are worth more and can do better if you only challenge yourself to demand it and own it.
If you act in a certain way, men will treat you that way.
They may not say it but some guys, men of quality, know how to separate women they play with from women who could be something so much more. I have a male friend tell me once that if he can sleep with a woman on the first date, 95% of the time he won’t put her into a relationship status because he would assume if she will have sex with him that quickly with no reservations then she most likely does this often. Most of my male friends always respect a woman who makes them wait and forces them to get to know her without throwing sex in the equation right away.
I don’t believe any man who can provide a quality relationship wants to be with a woman who can walk into a room and multiple gentlemen can hold a forum on how she was in bed. This is not sexy and that’s not a show of independence. A line in a movie summed it up at best when this man was marrying a woman whom his brother had been intimate with prior to their engagement. The question was posed to his brother; Why should you pay for what everyone else has had for free?
Remember this. Why are clear and flawless diamonds so precious? They are rare. That’s how you should treat your body as if it is rare and precious because it is. The more people you give your body to, the less valuable it is. The world is smaller than you know. Treat yourself with value and others will have no choice but to do so as well.
Do not sleep with anyone that you could not see as a potential mate or good father.
How can you judge this? Judge not a man by his words but his deeds over time. You judge him by the behavior you see, his values, his lifestyle, work ethic, thought process, etc. If a man can lay up on you, barely work, and has no ambition....this is not a good man. If he has children and doesn’t take care of them financially and otherwise (sob story not valid and baby momma drama is not an excuse not to take care of his responsibilities), do you really want to put yourself in a position to have a child or other catastrophic loss occur based on your intimacy? Men are not going to treat your child any better than the child they already have in this world. Condoms can break and there are many people who don’t even know they have diseases so why lay down with someone and take that chance.
Reconsider on confronting the “other woman”
Stop chasing women about your man. You and your man have a relationship together so accountability for fidelity is between the two of you. Don’t get me wrong, I personally have issues with women who want to be the other woman and I reframe from revealing what I think should occur in that situation. Ladies, let’s be honest. There is no reason to run after a man, trace phone numbers, snoop through papers, and stalk people. Look at the heart of the man, his actions, his thinking, values, and morals and you will have a good idea of what you are dealing with in a lot of situations. If you are going to put up with him cheating then please quit with all the dramatics and just look the other way, shut up, and quit embarrassing yourself by running around calling numbers from his cell phone. In the end what really matters is what you are going to do about it. Besides, usually 80% of the time, your man lied to another woman and said he was single so deal with the man and not the other person. You know the character of the man you chose.
Be a woman in gender and deed:
No one ever kept a good quality man by cursing him out, disrespecting him, and bossing him around while treating him like an idiot. Never disrespect your man in public by making a scene. Save arguments for private places because public displays of outbursts make each party involved look like a fool. The one that’s acting up looks like a fool by their actions and the other person looks like a fool to be with someone like that.
I would also like to add that we have to be careful of our tongue even when we are in private. Talking to your man with disrespect, belittlement, or tongue lashing him is generally not going to produce the result that you want. Sometimes we have to learn to table our emotions a little bit and calm down until we can address the issue without all the emotion tied to it.
Ideas of Inspiration Regarding Better Attitudes and Behaviors:
Stop walking around mad the world because you chose the wrong man. Get over it! Choose wisely next time and don’t repeat actions that make you unhappy. It’s not every other man’s fault that you happened to form a relationship with the wrong person. As difficult as it may sound, try to give people clean slates before you start punishing them for what your last relationship produced.
Stop walking around mad at the world because of your financial situation.....change it! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Sacrifice today for a better tomorrow. If you need a skill to increase your pay then pick something you naturally excel in or are interested in and invest for tomorrow.
Stop trying to trap men into being with you. It is better to be by yourself then to manipulate someone into being with you. Did you really win to have someone by your side who doesn’t want to be there with you? Come on now. I hope you know that there is more to yourself then to be a person who needs to trap people into being with you.
Stop with the attitude problems and chip on your shoulder. Everyone can see it in your cracked fake smile and evil attitude. Quit it! Why take the time to pretty yourself up on the outside and then you open your mouth and your behavior is like that of an ape they let out of zoo captivity. If you take great care and pride on your outward appearance, make sure your inside spirit is also beautiful.
Be someone’s happy ending for the day
Write down 7 things you like about yourself, inside and out, and remind yourself of those several wonderful things everyday so you know how special you are.
This essay was written for you because I know life can be harsh and cruel. You have endured and survived. Thrive. Understand you are the author of your life story. You can change your path at any given time if you don’t like the results of your life.
Know that we often misdirect our anger with ourselves for anger with other people. Once you accept who you are and the great path that is in front of you, if you so choose, you will be amazed that you will learn to smile instead of frown and the world will be your oyster. Remember, you have to give permission to others to make you feel inferior.
Till Later My Beautiful Black Sista’s. I love you.