Annoying Facebook Statuses
Ooooooo boy!!!! My mouth is watering over this topic. I woke up with a chubby. That's how excited I was about this blog today (Also, had to pee). I was even shoveling, whistling, birds were chirping, and even the mailman knew my name some how and screamed, " Steve! Great form in shoveling!" and I said back, " Thanks man! Great form in...mail...ing?". Today I will go through the things that annoy the CRAP out of me when I sign on and check out my news feed and I feel like I just spilled something on my favorite shirt and scream, " Ahhh, Come on! Really!?". I'm sure the statuses that I have put up have annoyed you as well. I am not innocent ( I do hold doors for people and open my car door for women on dates (wink)). Do not take it personal. If you do, put it on your status or blog about it.
10 Annoying Facebook Statuses
Lyrics For Lovers-
" No more I love you's.", " I'm your pain when you feel sad.", " My lovely lady lumps, check them out!" (OK, last one I just had the song stuck in my head). Oh, shut up! We get it! You miss your ex. You love your boyfriend/girlfriend. " I want everyone to know by song lyrics". Yes, it's cute. Hell, maybe even adorable. Can't you just text him/her? OR! Even give a phone call ( even though technology is killing peoples personalities.) he/she is your boyfriend/girlfriend. Your hearts broken? I understand, but the most depressing lyrics as your status so your ex can see? Really? You want her/his friend to look at it. Call her/him. Say, (laughing) " Dude/girl you have to see (insert name) status HAHAH, it's SO sad.". Sometimes I sign on and I read a sad status, my mood drops. I'm upset. As if I just saw Bambi's mom dying (Steve stops typing and cries a little). If you're sad do what everyone does...tell your guy friends you're totally over her and when your home you cry and contemplate texting her. Ladies. Just keep putting the sad lyrics and then when he calls/texts you at 3 a.m. and you guys "meet up" continue being the jackass that gets played and scream later the next day, " I don't deserve this!!". Yup, you do.
We do NOT need to know where you are. If you were a celebrity, AWESOME. Your not a celebrity though. "(Insert name) just checked in to Retro Fitness." Real cool. That just screams " Ladies, I work out. Look at my check in! Please! I want attention!". " I want to be the mayor of Starbucks though Steve!" You know what you get if you're the mayor of Starbucks? Nothing. A Starbucks helicopter isn't going to show up at your house at 3 A.M. with the loudspeaker saying, " Steve, We have an important job for you! Come out!". Nope, doesn't happen. You can tell the guy at Dunkin Donuts your the mayor of Dunkin. You know what he'll say, " Your total is 3.28.". Nobody cares. Unless your parents have Facebook and that's how you secretly let them know where you are, so they don't embarrass you in front of your friends.
Not everybody has BBM. If they do, they will ask.
(Example how they ask:
Person 1: Do you have a Blackberry?
Response: Why yes.
Person 1: Can I get your BBM? )
That's how it works. You do not need to put it up every time you are: Sick, mad, upset, out, in church, out of church, dinner, etc. We know what it screams. " Hey, I'm really alone and want someone to talk to.". You know who you can talk to when you have problems? Your parents. They love you and care what you have to say. Not a random friend ( who you most likely don't know or talked to in high school.) that pretty much wants you sexually. " I hate my parents though." Weh! Life isn't perfect. If your parents suck, you have friends. Sometimes friends are better then a family. Shit, they can even be your family ( Steve pours a 40 on the floor) this is for my homies...
"Ugh, Can't believe it's Monday", " Monday's suck!", " Where did the weekend go? Monday again, Blah!". Wow! Wait! Hold on! You have a calendar? No way. Let me get MY calendar! ( Steve skims through it.) Wow! Monday REALLY comes after the weekend! Thank you, SO much.
It's winter. Yes snow is falling. Yes it is dangerous to drive. Yes the flakes are falling pretty hard. OK, you look at your news feed and think of something original. Nope. Instead you join the group and say, " Snow stinks!" . It does, yeah. We all got to go through it. We all have to shovel. I seriously do not have to go to my weather channel application on my Blackberry when I wake up because everybody is a weather man when it's crappy out. You know what I suggest? Shoveling and getting your fingers off your keyboard.
" We fall just so we can learn how to get up again.". It's a beautiful quote. I sometimes look through inspirational quotes because I'm having a rough day, but I still believe in my dream to be a comic and always will. And sometimes beautiful words like these push us to go where we want in life. Yes. Now, if your the person who ALWAYS puts these quotes up and doesn't even listen or truly believe the words (everybody knows who you are) just STOP. You're wasting the words like little kids and skinny girls waste food. Every once in a while, OK. You want to believe in yourself and go somewhere in life, but everyday? Your like a "I love you" whore. No matter who you're with your just gonna say it.
SMH, FML, ZZZ, BBL, CM, DV8, CM. The status box isn't the Periodic Table. Are we that lazy that we can't type words? The keyboard is made purposely so we can write faster and not need the use of a pencil/pen. You know who you remind me of? That fat person who orders 3 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, fries, and wait for it...A WATER!!!! Real healthy for you lazy ass.
With "The Love" Status-
Might as well have your boyfriend as a location and check in every time your with him. " I'm with him <3". Your either trying to get some girl jealous, wanting attention so one of your girls can "Like" your status, or you just want everyone to know your going to get some that night. It's childish, honestly. Nobody gives a crap. It's not like I'm looking through my "Recent News" going , " God I hope ( Some girls name) is with her boyfriend!". I'm not. I'm probably trying to look for some girl I have never met and want to poke or some girl I have a little crush on. Go on her profile. Click the "Message" box. Then stare at the blank message window and think to myself, " God this is so stupid." You know like when you buy your girlfriend her tampons.
Jersey Shore Quotes-
They were cool when the show first started, but were on season 3! Yes The Sitch said something funny. Don't go running to your smart phone and typing it right away. I love the show, but sometimes I DVR it because I'm in the city and I go on Facebook while I'm on the train and 34657564 statuses are all Jersey shore quotes and play by plays of the show. I pretty much have a script on my Facebook of the Jersey Shore. I really feel bad for people that do not watch the show. You're like that guy who puts funny internet videos that were funny 3 years ago. ( Side Note: Sammi ANNOYS the shit out of me.)
Girls That Act Like They Watch Sports-
Aw. "Go big blue!" It's adorable like the care bears. Let me guess. The guy you like likes the Giants, Yankees, or the Knicks? You want to show him you watch sports. Little hint ladies. We guys know. Just like you ladies know about the 2 day rule after we get a number ( It's stupid. We're grown up. You like the person just hit them up. Games are for high school students or if you like attention...if you do. Get implants).
Play by Play Of A Sports Game-
I'll tell you about this guy. This guy wanted to be a commentator. He got involved with pot and drinking. Now he works for the union ( Awesome pay and benefits) and he watches games and has to let you know for any big football game or basketball game what's going on. He wants you to tell him, " wow you have an amazing ability to tell the game." or he just wants ESPN to call him up and say, " We've been following your statuses, you are so in.". We are all watching the game, we're not on Facebook.