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Annoying Things Ex's Do
We've all had break ups. After break ups there are the exes. Sometimes it's a mutual agreement and both parties go their separate ways (Have one night stands, but yet still have sex with the ex) or one of the parties is SO distraught that he stays in his boxers and has LITE FM playing all day in his room. Then...there is that ex!! That ex that no matter how many times you say you don't want them back. They. Keep. Coming. I call them..."The Zombie Ex" (I also have an amazing joke about Zombie Exes, you should come watch me do stand-up). The Zombie Ex keeps coming back no matter how many times you shoot them with your gun (mouth) and say " We're done. I do not want anything anymore!" BOOM! Shotgun shell on the floor. Wait! They're still coming back. "I'm seeing someone!" BANG! Another bullet on the floor. They keep coming back. This is the list for that ANNOYING ex.
Texts All The Time-
"Can we talk?", "Where are you?", "I miss you.", "Wanna come over?", etc. These are some of the samples of text messages we get from the ex. When you're at the gym. You finish up and go to the locker room. First thing you do when you open that locker? Check. The. Phone. Whoa! 10 text messages!? Mr. Popular! Let's see who it is. CRAP! The kind of "CRAP!" you scream when you get that little tiny paper cut that makes you feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump after he got lit up in Vietnam (You have no soul if tears don't come to your eyes in that part). 9 messages are from your ex. The 1 message is from ESPN notifying you that the Devils are losing (DOUBLE CRAP!).
Sample of Ex Texts:
- " I really miss you..."
- " I really miss you..." (Paranoid you didn't get the first text)
- " Fine don't respond."
- " Come on. You know you miss me!"
- " Your a jerk! (After this one is when the Coo-Coo for Coco Puffs kicks in)
- " You know what!!! I never loved you!! I'm talking to someone else anyway! (They're not). They're WAY better then you.
- I hated going to your family parties!!! Your friends SUCK! Well, at least they're cuter then you!!! And you have a small penis, HA!!!!! (They always go for the penis comment. If you were to use that on me...it won't work. I'm blessed and know it)
- "I HATE YOU!!!!!! Fucking DIE!!!!!" (after this one is my favorite)
- " Can we stop fighting? I'm sorry. I miss you."
- ESPN UPDATE: Devils 0-1 Flyers - Goal scored by Danny Briere (wrist shot 30 ft)
Relax "Zombie Ex" I'm at the gym! That's why I didn't respond and that is ALSO why I am not with you anymore. Let me breathe a little. You know, so I can breathe and have the life I use to have before I was with you. Now go sit on a tree branch and say , " I'm coo-coo for Coco Puffs!".
Show Up Unannounced-
This you have to blame yourself. You talk to your friends on Facebook. Guys- " Bro! We're getting CRUNK'D tonight!!! You get first round! (Name of bar) is going to be fun as hell!". Ladies- " I can't wait to be with my bestie later (Name of bar) <3". It's OK. We don't think our ex will be that crazy to look at our friends page, but the funny way our corny friend that doesn't have Facebook calls it "Stalkbook" makes us beg to differ. Your at that place, who's the first person you see?! Your ex! They were probably there right when they saw your wall post. Your night is ruined and don't think about leaving and going somewhere else. You'll get those annoying text messages. (If your that person that checks in to places on Facebook, YOU DESERVE THIS DRAMA! Just like a guy who has unprotected sex with a stripper and deserves an STD. "She said she was clean". I say your stupid.).
Being Friends With Your Friends-
When this happens it's like you're in a messed up episode of the Twilight Zone. You try to escape, but she's at your friends girlfriends house talking her ear off on how much she misses you. And sometimes your friends girlfriend feels bad and then you have 2 girls trying to get you back with your Ex. The ex and your friends girlfriend. He's still calling your friends boyfriend because he says, " We're still cool. It's not because of you.". Then your nights ruined he shows up at the pub you guys are at and you can't have fun. He's watching your every move like that mom who loves her kid too much and always has to hold her kid. You remember when he said he's still cool with your friends boyfriend? Yeah...he doesn't give a crap about him.
Questions You About People That Comment Your Facebook Wall-
" Who the hell is (insert name)!?", " Do you like (insert name)!?", " How long have you been talking to (insert name)!?". How about if it bothers you so much, you can delete me off your Facebook and I can go back to my life you crazy mythical beast! The nickname "Stalkbook" doesn't fit so well when this crap happens. People I have never seen before I know who they're going out with. I know a high school friend is pregnant and engaged (can you say bastard child). I can see who has a crush on each other by the comments they leave on each others wall back and forth on my news feed...and so can my ex. Womp. (Side note: I feel like a voyeur when its midnight and I'm on some random girls profile looking at her pics with my flip flops, soccer shorts, and shirtless. Going, " oOoOo, She's hot! Summer album!? Can you say "Bikini pics!". Don't judge. You've done it too.)
Make You Jealous And It Works-
This one is self explanatory. Your out or your trying to get the late night booty call from your ex and she's with another guy (or acting as if she is). Jealousy kicks in. Damn it! You start having these little images in your brain that makes you more jealous and more upset. Your at the bar some guys laughing her up. She knows your watching. You don't know that because it's killing you inside because your watching her. You start thinking about all the good memories you had with her ( If you were strong and remember the reasons WHY your not with her/him this wouldn't happen, but its tough. I know. I'm human too.). You need to have her back! This my friend is the oldest trick in the book. It's the oldest, but yet so efficient. It works MOST of the time. This is when you run out of bullets and the "Zombie Ex" keeps walking towards you. Your against the wall with nowhere to go. My friend. You gave up...the zombie got you. Theeen, fast forward 1 month later. You dumped them again for the same exact reasons you did before.
Looks Better When You're done-
You see her at the cafe you use to go to ALL the time. She's there with jet black hair and a new hair style (I love girls with dark hair and light eyes) she looks GOOD! You see him at the mall or a mutual friends birthday party. He looks like hes getting in shape and he shaved off the "break up beard" you think, " Damn, I broke up with that?!". You contemplate about hitting him/her up on their phone seeing if they wanna "Watch a movie at your house." (That seriously means, "Come over I wanna try to have sex with you."). You guys have sex. Then they start wanting to cuddle with you. Asking why you guys broke up. Where did it all go wrong. Other things that while your laying next to them and they ask you all these things you think to your self, " I should NOT have sex with him/her...I'm hungry.".
Buy You Gifts-
You get roses coming in to your job. Everyone at work says, " aw, you should take him back!". Next day, You get a box of chocolates. Co-workers say, " well, that's just cute!". Then, after the fourth day straight of deliveries you get a singing telegram and your co-workers are like, " OK seriously, is he watching us? Do you have a restraining order?" The whole gift thing is just pitiful. I understand your heart, but have some morals! One gift I understand, but all of the seasons of Friends and Sex and the City? Just get her/him a car if your going to do that. At least you didn't do a mix tape!? Remember tho...wait. Please tell me you didn't send the mix tape! No! You know how many times she most of heard Oasis's - Wonderwall in her life time!?