Are Dating Sites Really Worth The Time?
The Ultimate Objective
by a couple who have fallen in love will do plenty of kissing underneath a full moon, half moon and of course, the Harvest Moon . . .keep on shining on me. That's the chemistry today, I'm speaking about the Mass Exodus for People to sign-in or sign-off with their favorite dating site. Not a Lonely Hearts Club, no sirree. But a bona fide, Blue Ribbon-winning, head to the State Fair with "Bess" the cow, dating site. Not your granddad's liquor, Oldsmobile, or dating site. High-tech at its finest. No guess work here. Sit down, grin like an ape on acid and lie through your teeth. All for One date. Is it worth it?
I've Often Wondered
why those Tekkie types in 1972 somewhere in California just years after Berkeley and the Dead with "grass" on tap, didn't stop and see the future about dating? When Technology caught on, the Tekkies overlooked love, romance, and a quick kiss between classes. No flowers to send and no love letters to send by a best friend of a best friend. Just tech stuff. Wires, circuitry, grids, Mother Boards, Keyboards, hard-drive, software, and if the day lasts, Apple will turn a huge profit dreamt a young Steve Jobs, born Feb. 24, 1955 and Mr. Bill "Mr. Microsoft" Gates, born Oct. 28, 1955. That's odd. Tekkies say "weird." Jobs and Gates born the same year, but in different months. Thar she blows! Another Communist plot unearthed right here in front of your naked eyes!
Long before Silocon Valley. Long before the Internet. But after the dinosaurs mysteriously disappeared, what did early man do, in the sense of romance, to attract a female? Club her? So much for Hollywood candor. If I were any expert, I would guess that early man tempted the female of his eye, with raw meat. Oh, he had fire, but being that this Early Man was Primal in every way, he went with the meat primal and uncooked. Very shiek. The female was tempted alright. And only gave in if she were looking for her next free meal. I have always held the opinion of Early Female being the wisest of the two genders. A man knows how to grunt and kill game for dinner. A female will keep herself inconspicuous, trap the game, and prepare dinner. Then after the male devours a quarter hind leg of some animal, he will sit in the mouth of his cave and grunt. Note to self: write essay about Grunting.
I'm not going to run down the various levels of Man and Womankind, but we can all agree that it was Femalekind who invented fashionable wardrobes of hide--meaning she went for the Zebras and Leopards and bam! A fashionista was born. What did her husband, Early Mankind do? Grunt to the right if he liked her Leopard hide or grunt to the left if he liked Zebra the best. Poor Early Mankind. He wore what felt comfortable. "Yep, grunt! grunt! gimme a Bear hide, grunt that's almost worn grunt, grunt, grunt out. Don't need no grunt, grunt, new hide! Note to self: notice that I didn't say "woman" at the end of Early Mankind's early demand?
As far back as I can recall, my parents were not the least bit timid about how they met, dated, and eventually, married. But in my 64 years on God's earth, I never heard any of my grandparents say one word about their courtship. My grandpa Avery did slip one time and say "courting" when he was yakking to my dad. I tried to get closer to hear more, but grandpa was a Slick Customer and kept his mouth shut. I guess he thought that I shouldn't have a need to ask anything--maybe that is why he hated me?
All species of male and female birds, worms, snakes, even the majestic African Anteater have those wonderful Courtship Dances and we all can agree that us guys would look really stupid wearing just a piece of Bear hide jumping up and down to attract a female. I know I would.
It all has a lot to do with the eyes. They have to meet if sparks are going to fly. I know that in my early dating years, I wore out my eyes in order to get a pretty girl look at me with her eyes and I failed more than I met with success. Note to self: don't write about things that are over my head.
It all has a lot to do with a girl's hair all tressed-up, her wearing a button-up collar and twirling her parasol. I love those Southern Belles that were grown in Biloxi, Columbus, and Pontotoc. Long, hoop skirts, mint Julep, now although Man and Womankind have shed their animal hides, they have latched on soft cloth which means these people are from prestigious families and their families were smart, not physically-inclined and just didn't see the point of learning so much--and while this reads like I am knocking Manual Labor as opposed to Intellect, I am not. If you look really close, you can see Ol' Charlie Darwin-a peeking through the window with "that" devilish look in his eyes. He is just dying to say, I told you so.
By the time Human Chemistry and Biology mixed, the Human Dating Scene was born and going wide-open--with "wild" music by a harpsichord and a Minuet in the early afternoon. Oh, don't forget the chaperons. The young people would like to sit in our parlor for an hour or so while us old folks catch up on the latest news with the Showboat Business and is the State of Mississippi ever going to legalize gambling? Oh, those Southern Forefathers, how they could dream. But I am keeping a straight line heading to where Dating has missed the mark.
It has everything to do with Perfect Matches. Perfect! Hear that Darwin? We the people in the Days of Heritage and Endowment know Perfection--ostrich feathers, Pearl inlaid hair combs, Mother of Pearl necklaces, a wicked glance here and there and before you know it young man, that girl over there sashaying so perfectly is out to be your wife, but don't act like you notice. Play hard to get just like grandpa. You know the gist. You know the game.
Now in a swifter lane, all a man (or woman) has to do is get online, check out a handful of these "Super Dating Companies" love guaranteed! We take Visa, MasterCard and American Express. Naaah. Those look too shady. Maybe I need to go downtown and be seen on a corner, maybe sit on a wooden bench that our city has graciously-furnished and see what happens. There's lots of hot chicks downtown. Ahhh, young man. Aren't you asking for trouble going to get a date in this fashion? I'd say that you are as smart as a wild jackass full of turnip greens. Sure, you can get all kinds of dates. No problem. But will you and your self-respect be okay in the morning? Seriously.
Stick to the basics, grasshopper. You can't go wrong. Before you jump in with four feet and "go all in," to click "Fill out Application" at the bottom of this reliable, reputable dating site, check them out with your local Better Business Bureau. These guys are head hunters. They can shut down the shadiest of business without eating breakfast. Then if the BBB gives you a green light, fill out the application, but not before you are absolutely sure that using a Dating Site is what you want.
Be as honest as you can afford to be. Seriously. Never be the "player" when you are on a dating site. Be you. No one else. It's you and possibly her, no her, maybe her . . . so choose wisely when you answer your questions. Make sure that you fully-understand everything the dating site is asking. If a question like this: "Are you out to date a human girl?" log off and head back to the BBB. No reliable, professional dating site will ask you an asinine question.
This is crucial. If "provide a photo" is being asked, make sure that the photo is a good photo and not one that makes you look plumb foolish as old folks down South used to say. Honesty pays especially when you are doing business with a dating site.
Now that you have submitted your application, will you get to meet anyone right off? Or will the dating site take the time to evaluate you and all about you and your hobbies, likes, dislikes, walks on the beach at midnight and cannot lose weight for eating--give it all you have. Do not hold back. This is your future at your fingertips. Literally. Make sure that your fingertips are wise. Not just ones for Manual Dexterity rather than wanting to learn a Faster, Smarter Way to Type.
I would say, good luck, but the Computer Dating Scene has eliminated Luck. And poor ol' Chance, never had a, . . .uhhh, chance.
© 2018 Kenneth Avery