- Gender and Relationships
Are His Insecurities Pushing You Away?
Some men's insecurities can be seen right away, while others take more time to notice—either way, they can literally drive you crazy!
Don't get me wrong, everyone can have moments of insecurity. However, when those moments become weekly, several times a week, or daily, it can be too much to handle or even want to deal with in a relationship.
There are various types of insecurities that a person may have. But the type I'm referring to is when a good looking man, who has a great job, dresses well and has nice things, starts to either revert to childish behaviors, and can't possibly comprehend the fact that you do care for him. Or the reverse happens—he blows up and constantly starts arguments to cover up for his lack of confidence.
I would have to say that there is nothing more melancholic than seeing a balloon deflate at the end of a party. It makes you realize the fun times are over. Also depressing is seeing a man who has gone from secure and confident to insecure and doubtful—definitely not enjoyable or sexy. Are all the fun times in your relationship now over?
When a guy becomes insecure it lowers his sex appeal—by several notches. It's hard for a woman to be attracted to a guy that continues to ask, "Why do you like me?" And when you answer his query (again and again) he replies, "Really?" (not believing you, even with constant reassurances). Women also don't appreciate men who try to make us feel insecure by lashing out like a child with harsh words or actions, versus talking to us.
When we find a guy very attractive, it often doesn't make sense that he would have insecurities—just like it doesn't make sense that a good looking, educated man, such as Ted Bundy was a serial killer. But, the sad fact is, good looks and status do not make someone incapable of being a serial killer, just like they do not make someone incapable of harboring all types of insecurities. Clearly I'm not trying to equate a man with insecurities with a serial killer, I'm just trying to make the point that you can't judge a book by its cover.
There are some men that are confident at work, confident when it comes to their family, friends, and even confident when meeting you. Then there comes a turning point, and all of a sudden this self-assured, good looking guy disintegrates, and the insecure, unattractive guy appears. This confusing change doesn't make you want to be intimate with him, or continue dating him. It's an emotional and physical repellent, potentially causing distrust, which leads to arguments since he is unable to see that the cause of your loss of attraction is his insecure behavior.
Not wanting to be with a guy whose insecurities are overwhelming the entire relationship is understandable—but, usually not to him. He will think that you either want another guy, that he's not good in bed, and/or not attractive enough for you. Even though all of those things, especially when you first starting dating, are false. But as time passes, and the lack of confidence materializes—revealing his inability to adequately problem solve, or believe your words and actions, a dark cloud forms over the relationship.
Many insecure men will expect you to be their problem solver. Their level of insecurities will determine how they react to things—potentially pushing you emotionally and physically away. When you give an option/suggestion, they will get defensive—accusing you of not knowing what you are talking about, so why did they ask for your ideas at all? These men with their lack of confidence, will doubt you and your relationship together—leading to irritation and arguments, and leaving you wondering about your position in his life.
I'm not saying that you should end a relationship that with therapy and/or confidence classes could potentially survive. However, staying in a relationship that is obviously unhealthy is another thing. You need to find someone that respects, loves, and appreciates you—and you need to reciprocate those feelings.
No one likes to be around a couple that fights more than respects each other with love and appreciation. But the question then becomes, "What suddenly turned happiness into bickering?"
Many fights in relationships are superficial, masking the real emotions (insecurities) that someone is hiding. Sometimes the more we start to care and love someone, and the harder we try to hang on, the more we end up pushing that person away.
Love is a scary feeling—it means being vulnerable. For men who are insecure, the concept of a woman loving them unconditionally is hard to grasp—causing them to freak out, and push the panic button, and the woman, out of their life. For this same type of guy, the thought of finally finding someone that they also love is even scarier.
I dated a guy who was insecure because he was afraid of getting his heart broken. Before me this guy was consistently cheating and breaking women's hearts—a way to mask his insecurities. When he fell in love with me, instead of enjoying that feeling, he would constantly pick irrelevant fights with me.
If I had girl’s night, he would accuse me of going out with my girlfriends (who were also in relationships) to flirt with other men. When we would go to events together, and other men I knew as friends were there, he would accuse me of wanting to sleep with them. No matter what I said or did, he was the aggrieved party, and I supposedly wanted everyone else but him—can you say insecurity at its highest level? Considering I did not have a record for cheating (and he did), it was possibly transference from his (or a parent or previous partner’s) behavior to me.
His fears and insecurities ended up overwhelming our relationship, and he started to pick fights over the littlest things. He would pick a fight if he didn't like what I made him for lunch or dinner, or what I was wearing. He would pick a fight when I drove his car—complaining about my driving, even though I had only one ticket in twenty-three years, and he had numerous tickets and a suspended driver’s license. Hmmmm. His need to push me away grew to the point that he started to say, "I don't know if one woman will ever be enough for me." This was very painful to hear, especially since during the first six months of dating, he was proclaiming differently to me, and to everyone we knew.
The fear that my ex experienced was due to his insecurities, causing him to find any excuse to push me away, so that he could avoid having his heart broken—a reaction that he had difficulty controlling. Even after lots of therapy sessions together, where he realized that he was terrified of losing me, he still continued to mentally and emotionally push me away. This was a disastrous situation for both of us, and ended in heartbreak.
Ladies, relationships have to be built on communication and trust. If a guy can't be self-assured when it comes to being in love, how can he be in a successful relationship with you? You can't build and sustain another person’s happiness; they must acquire the life skills to participate in the process. Only then can the two of you, working together as a team, create a lasting, meaningful relationship.