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Are We Blaming Him Because WE Weren't Upfront?

Updated on July 11, 2016
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

You know the saying, "when you assume it makes an ass out of U and me?" Well ladies, I one hundred percent agree. Time and time again we want to blame men for not being able to read our minds regarding what we ultimately want regarding him—assuming that he should know what we want or that he wants the same things we do. Hmmm....this might come as a shock, but men aren't mind readers and unless you tell him directly what you really want, there's a chance that he might not bring up the subject until you're too emotionally involved.

We can't expect that a guy's intention is to one day have a commitment with us (or potentially more) just because we're dating...

Listen, I know that it can be uncomfortable and hard to be upfront with a guy that you are very attracted to, connect with on a physical and emotional level, and hope to have a future you want (commitment, engagement, marriage, children) with—fearing that he will run for the hills—faster than the road runner—if he doesn't want the same things. Which is better? Finding out sooner if you are on the same page—so you don't waste your time or his—or waiting until your heart is invested to find out that he doesn't want the same relationship goals as you do?

I get it, why should you have to say something first? Because most relationships aren't like romantic movies. Most men aren't going to share the fact that they don't want exclusivity, marriage or children if they think that information could potentially cause you to walk away, not decide to have sex with him, or even worse (for him)—ceasing all sexual intercourse from happening again. Men are sexual beings, a lot of their choices are led by their penis and ego. That's why it's important for you to be upfront about what you want—sooner rather than later.

If you don't tell him what you want, can you really get mad at him when he's not on the same page as you?

As women we get so caught up in the attention that we are receiving from a guy—how he treats us, looks at us, and how he makes us feel—that we forgo getting into the nitty gritty with him about wanting something more serious if things continue to blossom. And keeping it real, most women want a guy to think that they are cool with just dating and having fun so they don't seem desperate, needy and clingy—holding back being completely honest with him. Being verbal about what you want doesn't make you desperate. It lets a guy know that you know what you want and you aren't going to settle for less.

By holding back from telling him, you're causing a disservice to yourself. Realize that in order to weed out the wrong men for you, it's important to be upfront and honest. If he freaks out, he wasn't the right guy and you have saved yourself from potential emotional distraught.

Wouldn't you rather know right away if a guy is truly right for you for the long haul? There are many women who really want children and have a specific age goal as to when having children should happen for them. So why would you want to put yourselves in the position of being with a man who might not want children because you were too afraid to ask? Why wait months or years to find out your goals are not the same?

Many men are set in their ways. Unfortunately, there are some women who will hang on to a guy in hopes that she will be the one woman to change how he feels about what he wants. Don't. Men only change when they want to and for who they want to. Often it doesn't matter what you say, do, or try to change about yourself. If you're not the right one, you're not the one.

The longer you wait to have what might be a difficult conversation for you, the more you are potentially setting him up for unfair blame and feelings of disappointment.

A friend shared with me how a close friend of hers has been dating a guy for nine months. Her friend just found out that this guy doesn't ever want to be in a committed relationship. He will call her all the time, make plans and dates to see her and has continually told her that he enjoys spending time with her—so she's very confused as to why he won't commit and is now upset that he didn't tell her sooner. My friend expressed that her friend wanted to know why this guy doesn't want to commit.

There are many reasons why men don't want to commit. Some men have commitment issues but enjoy having companionship with a woman. There are other men who want to only date so that they have the option to date other women without guilt. There are some men that might really like you, but have decided that there is no future—for whatever reason(s) of their own—but still want to keep you around for sex and having fun with. There are men who are also never satisfied and will always want to keep their options open—in case they meet someone better. And there are men who are already committed (girlfriend, engaged or married) and aren't being upfront and honest with you. Ouch.

The first question I asked my friend, "was your friend upfront about the fact that she was looking to eventually be in committed relationship?" The answer was "no."

Again, you can't get mad and blame a guy when you don't express (in the beginning) what you want. If he thinks that you are cool with just dating—because you haven't told him any differently—then you can't point fingers and get frustrated that he wants to just keep dating you. If you sit blindly waiting for him to propose and it never happens because marriage isn't in the cards for him—is he really a bad guy if you never told him that marriage one day was important to you?

Ladies, never, ever assume. Don't be afraid to be upfront regarding your relationship goals. Regardless of the chemistry you have or how attractive a guy may be, if he doesn't want the same things as you do, you'll end up resenting him in the end. Save yourself potential heartbreak. The sooner you know if you are on the same page (or not), the closer you will be towards finding your perfect match. Don't waste your time blaming the wrong upfront, the right guy—who wants the same things as you do—could be waiting around the corner.


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    • profile image

      MaryRB 18 months ago

      Very insightful ideas.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 18 months ago

      You've made some very good points!

      "...assuming that he should know what we want or that he wants the same things we do. Hmmm....this might come as a shock, but men aren't mind readers ..." Communication trumps assumption every time!

      "A friend shared with me how a close friend of hers has been dating a guy for nine months. Her friend just found out that this guy doesn't ever want to be in a committed relationship."

      This reminds me of the movie "Think Like A Man". Gabrielle Union's character has been with this guy for 9 years since they were in college including living together in a (monogamous) relationship. She felt (he) hadn't made a commitment. Very few marriages last 9 years these days!

      Can anyone honestly say a 9 year monogamous relationship isn't "serious" or absent of commitment? In a case like this it comes down to how one defines "commitment". The guy believes they (are) committed!

      Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell lived together for over 30 years before becoming engaged in 2016. Who is to say they're not committed?

      Awhile back there was a question posted on the topic of commitment regarding whether or not you can be committed (without) marriage.

      One woman stated she thought it was possible but it did not offer (legal protection).

      Another said: “He can’t just walk away after taking up ten years of your life!” Essentially both women viewed commitment from legal and financial terms rather than love, monogamy, and time together.

      Nevertheless if one's goal is get married and start a family their mate should know this. However the mistake a lot of women make is leading with that conversation. So many online dating profiles includes words like looking for a "marriage minded" guy or a man who's ready to settle down. It's as though these women have decided the "next" man will be their husband instead of determining if he's the "right" man!

      They put the cart before the horse. Don't make commitment plans during the "infatuation phase". You have to get to know the "real" person before you can determine whether or not you want to spend your life with him.

      Very few men set out looking for a wife. It's not a "goal". What generally happens is they have a wonderful relationship, compatibility, and a strong emotional connection he starts to think she is "the one".

      Lastly a woman should if a guy has "been there/done that" he's even less likely to rush into another marriage. His age is also another consideration. Very few guys in their 20s are interested in marriage.