ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Are You A Happiness Saboteur? -Stephanie Bailey

Updated on January 19, 2015
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

If you find that when happiness comes knocking at your door—and your first reaction is to shut the door before it makes an entrance—you are probably a happiness saboteur.

Ok, so maybe a response does not happen quite this quickly, however, for many people there is an underlying fear that happiness will eventually bring heartbreak. Ultimately, causing them to sabotage a relationship before it actually has had a chance to begin.

When you don't believe you deserve to be loved, it can feel natural to sabotage any chance of letting it into your life. Love can be scary—especially if you have not felt it before, or have had your heart severely broken in the past or possibly several times. That's when you have to ask yourself, "is my fear allowing a wedge to be come between my chances for a happy relationship?

Fear can cause many relationships to end, even when there aren’t any surface level (or deep) problems; fear consumes positive thoughts and replaces them with negativity and doubt. If you fear a relationship won’t work out, then guess what…you will end up subconsciously willing it not to! If you feel you aren’t good enough—surprise, surprise…you won’t be. If you feel that the person you are dating is too good to be true...guess what? ...they will be! On the flip side, if you have confidence and always believe in yourself and the relationship you are involved in, your partner will know, feel and appreciate it—causing more stability in the relationship.

For many people, fear means stepping outside of their comfort zone; they believe that by fearing love, then they will have less of a chance of getting their heart broken. Fear then becomes an unconscious shield. Hmmm, do you really feel less heartbreak and pain when you've pushed someone youve cared about out of your life because of your insecurities? You fear what might be the end result (in your mind); i.e. breaking-up. The interesting thing is that the wasted time, negative energy and agony that is taken to sabotage the relationship causes more pain, insecurity, doubt, and regret. It’s mentally exhausting! Is that more important than letting someone love you and loving them back?

Love is an awesome feeling, even if the relationship isn’t meant to be. Unfortunately, you can’t predict the outcome…but isn’t that why love is so magical? When you open your heart to love and allow it inside, more love is waiting; you just have to trust the process—even if you are afraid. With love comes growth and with growth comes change.

Instead of sabotaging things, why not trust the process and see where the outcome could possibly take you? Even if the outcome doesn't end up being your happily-ever-after, at least you have a better idea of what ultimately didn't work this time, and what you want in your next relationship. Sabotaging will never give you full clarity.

I have been there; so scared to receive love due to fear of losing it. To prevent my heart from being broken I would look for attributes in my partner that I considered to be faults, giving me any reason at all not to give him the love and caring that he deserved. This brilliant plan always backfired because by the time it took me to come up with the entire “negative” list, I was already emotionally involved. By letting my fears and insecurity creep in and dictate how I felt, I found myself distraught. It’s not that I wanted the relationship to end, but it would come to an end anyway, proving that my fear was justified. I felt I didn't deserve love. Ultimately, this pattern became very dysfunctional and destructive.

Through therapy, self-help books, yoga, meditation and Mile Hi Church, I learned to love myself—completely. When this started happening, the types of men I started dating changed. I subconsciously dropped the idealistic expectation that the person I dated was expected to fill any lack of love I had for myself. The pressure I once placed on men lifted and my confidence grew. I stopped being a happiness saboteur because I found blissful happiness within myself. I was able to recognize the true red-flags instead of my own insecurities.

Recognizing that you have been sabotaging relationships is the biggest step. Understanding why will help you to not continue following this pattern with other relationships.

A close guy friend who has sabotaged relationship after relationship comes to mind. His patterns had become quite obvious. The second that he would announce how happy he was and that he "found the one"—the sabotaging would begin.

He would first start by getting overly drunk and accusing the girl he was dating of cheating—this came from the fact that he usually was the one doing the cheating. When she would still stick around he would then tell her that he doesn't believe that he's the type of guy who could be in a monogamous committed relationship. What he was really saying is that he was not mature and self-confident enough to be in a grown up relationship. If this subtle plan didn't work, he would look for various reasons to start an argument, by showing up late or simply not show up at all during holidays: her birthday, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas (or Hanukkah depending on what the girl he was dating at the time celebrated) or New Year’s Eve.

On the other hand, since my friend was great at wooing women he really liked—pulling out all the stops to show them he was interested and "supposedly" wanted a future, you can only imagine the shock when he would do a complete 180.

His actions came from a place of being emotionally connected and excited at the thought of finding a great woman, until his fear—which was stemmed from his parents’ divorce at a young age, took over—allowing him to believe that women would eventually end up leaving him. Since this made a lot of sense in his mind, he would speed up the process and sabotage the relationship.

Not only did my friend end up having one unsuccessful relationship after another, he also ended up regretting how he handled things. By the time he realized what he was losing, and why, it was always just a little too late.

When you find the person who makes you happy, it's natural to feel a little scared or worried at times, wondering if such a happiness will last. You must remember, part of keeping this happiness is working together—communicating, doing the little things that count, being supportive, etc.…in order to keep the happiness alive. When you can let down your guard, trust your intuition, and not live in fear, you can open yourself up to so many possibilities. First and foremost is to love yourself.

Bottom line, happiness is all around, but first you must find it within yourself. Once you do, fear will become less abundant, the sabotaging will cease, and love will inevitably surround you.

P.S. If you enjoy my writing, please help me become more known by clicking on the links above—Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn, and following me here on HubPages. I appreciate it! Sending you light and love! ;)


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Miss-Adventures profile imageAUTHOR

      Stephanie Bailey 

      5 years ago from Denver

      Thank you marketeconomy for reading. I truly believe that all hearts can be heeled with the proper self-work, time and consistency choosing love over fear and hate...even during the most difficult times.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      It is very hard to trust again after you have been betrayed. Thank you Stephanie for giving people hope that with work, therapy, and self-love, a person could learn to trust.....and therefore be able to fully love a partner again. I appreciate it.

    • profile image

      Mary Roberts-Bailey 

      5 years ago

      Insightful and very well stated.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)