- Gender and Relationships
Are You Giving Him Too Many Chances?
Women will give men way (way) too many chances....
An argument ensues over something he's done—you talk it out (or so you think) but then he does it again—shortly after he promised he wouldn't. You address the issue a second time—then it happens AGAIN. His reasoning when it happens the third time is that you should accept his flaws or deal with his poor behavior—if you really love him. Really?! If he has no desire to change his actions, why did he tell you he would?
Should we continue take back a guy who continues to make the same mistakes?
Let's keep it real, are his actions really mistakes if he keeps doing them? How many chances should we ultimately give a man? How many times should we keep taking a guy back—over and over again—for something he's done to hurt or upset us? Sometimes tolerance, which is fueled by the hope of love, can blindside our instincts and judgment.
Wanting the happily-ever after so badly that we can taste it like a piece of chocolate melting on our tongue can make us throw out all sense of reasoning—making us do irrational things—like giving a guy far too many chances when he clearly doesn't respect us or the relationship. Do we really want to be with a man that can easily disregard our feelings and how his actions affect us?
Although I do believe in second chances—as long as there is no abuse—how many should we give before declaring enough is enough?
Obviously the chances we decided to give should be determined by what the guy actually did. If it was not anything “serious” then deciding to be done after one strike might possibly be a little harsh. Of course, if there is a huge red flag early on in the relationship, then one strike before you’re done might be necessary. Again, how do we determine when too many chances is really just pathetic desperation to keep a man and not really love?
I've said this many times in other articles—many women are really great at coming up with excuse after excuse as to why they should forgive a guy and take him back—when it is crystal clear to everyone around her that the guy she is with is not the right match for her. It is sad for any woman to think and believe that there is no way she will find a guy who is better suited for her—that will also treat her with the respect and love that she deserves.
Many times, women will let intense chemistry overpower her reasoning, causing her to forgive and take back a guy who continues to do the same things that upsets her or potentially cause physical pain. Oh dear! This chemistry is like an addictive drug—she can’t function without it. Is intense chemistry really worth taking back a guy—again and again—if you know you will never be completely happy in the long run?
It's hard to think about having to give up on a relationship that you were hoping would work out... I get it, I've been there before.
There are men that I have given way more chances than they deserved. And, they all ended with nothing to show but a failed relationship or time lost that I could never get back. I've also given men only one chance to disappoint me before I ended things—in hindsight probably not the best tactic, but my heart (which was guarded) thought so at the time. Do I know the magic number of chances that I give before I'm done? Not always, but usually it's around three (more often two), especially for recurrence of the same issues.
There is always a risk involved when we put our heart out there. This risk can definitely make us want to wary the amount of chances we give. If our heart has been damaged before (or several times), being guarded can make it easier to cut ties with a guy as soon as he makes one mistake. However, on the flip-side, desperation can make us hold on even tighter, in hopes that by doing so we won't have to endure starting over.
Starting over is never fun. At the same time, staying with the wrong person because our ego is unable to let go—due to fear—is just as bad.
Hanging on to the wrong person tends to happen for several reasons:
- We want to prove to others that we are not another statistic—that we haven't (once again) entered a relationship that failed.
- Our parents and family have placed unnecessary pressure on us to marry and have children "before our eggs get too old."
- There is pressure to be in a relationship—in order to feel valued—causing many women to believe that being with any guy is better than being with no one.
- To prove to our friends—who are already married or in relationships—that we aren’t the last single girl standing, so we end up settling and sacrificing our happiness.
- We lack self-love. "What! I love myself!"....do you really?
I know that no man (nor woman) is ever going to be perfect, no matter how great we think he (she) is or how great we think we are together. Everyone makes mistakes and shouldn't be executed (broken up with) without being given their rights (communication, and an opportunity to state their case). However, if we don't fully love and respect ourselves, what man will?
Love, love, love yourself. Sounds simple, but for so many women it is not.
Men can sense when a woman lacks self-love and when they know this, some men will use this to their advantage. They will continue to emotionally, mentally and possibly physically hurt you, do things to upset you or emotionally control you.
Wake-up! The lack of your own self-love will keep you in a state of never-ending acceptance of bad behavior—causing you to give way too many chances. Here's the thing, if you keep taking him back—a decision that you are freely making—is it fair for you to continue to blame him? Most people don't change the core of who they are, so why continue to place yourself in an emotional or possibly physical torturous relationship?
Lacking self-love makes it much harder to decipher what we really want and ultimately deserve. This lack can also obscure us from recognizing what genuine love should look and feel like. Let’s be clear, it’s not letting a guy hurt you over and over again.
Ladies, it is important to have self-love so that you do not let a guy take advantage of you or treat you like an emotional punching bag. Self-love is your “bionic woman” ability to see through bullshit even quicker. Self-love doesn't mean that your heart can't be swayed or hurt. What it means is that if or when your heart does get swayed, it won't completely blind you. Instead, you will be strong enough to feel and know how many chances you should ultimately give him.