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Asexuality, Demisexuality, and Graysexuality at the Holidays

Updated on November 28, 2015
BellaNocheLucia profile image

Noelle Lucia has been a writer and author for over 10 years. She wears a lot of different hats and uses her experience to fuel her writing.

Why we're under the LGBT category

As of right now, there is no category available on HubPages for the members of the Asexual community, so we're temporarily nesting here under the LGBT category because our orientation needs just as much recognition and respect. When I say Asexual community, I'm including Demisexuals, Graysexuals and everyone in between.

Here's a small chart briefly touching upon the main orientations

The holidays are kind of tough for everyone not in a relationship

This Thanksgiving that just happened 2 days ago was, no doubt, a doozy for many of us. I went to my mom's boyfriend's house, totally relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with relatives asking those questions and offering that advice: "Do you have a boyfriend yet? Why not? Maybe you're being too picky. Are you sure you're not a lesbian? I'll set you up with my brother's cousin's poolman's former roommate." We all know the drill. And believe me, it's a drill. I was thrilled to not have to deal with it. To my utter shock, a complete stranger started asking me those very questions. Which required me to launch into explanation mode.

How do I explain Asexuality to a complete stranger?!

How do I even explain it to my family? For all my brothers and sisters under the Asexual umbrella, I know exactly how you feel. I never had a crush in school and only a few itty bitty celebrity crushes. I thought I would change when my teen hormones started flowing or maybe when I had more freedom at university. Things never changed. The only people I had any attraction towards were very close friends who I had known forever to be kind and compassionate. The only celebrity crushes I had were on comedians that shared my values and philosophies of life. Forever I figured something was wrong with my internal wiring when my friends would endlessly chase boys and girls. Everyone was obsessed with romance and sex. Here I was, trying to establish meaningful relationships and everyone else seemed like a sex-crazed maniac.

So we try stuff because we don't feel normal

Many of us don't feel normal growing up, and seeing our friends and family put romance and sex above everything else. Some of us experimented with boyfriends/girlfriends or sex or both. I had a boyfriends for a year and a half. We never went beyond holding hands and a kiss on the cheek. I adored his companionship because we had so many things in common. But I didn't feel attraction towards him. The only encounter I had later was after university. I decided to have sex with an attractive man because maybe if I just tried sex, I'd like it enough to become normal. But he was the wrong man. He only wanted a casual hook-up. I discovered that I was Demisexual and could only want a sexual relationship after romance and trust were firmly established. So when someone says that asexuals are a bunch of loser virgins who can't get laid, most of us have tried it and discovered something about ourselves.

I assure you you're normal

All of us who are a type of asexual were born that way, and some of us were raised in such a way that nurtured our asexuality. Some of us had experiences that fostered our natural asexuality and some of us were pressured to be different from our normal selves. I'm here to tell you, you are normal. Okay, not normal according to society. But screw that, you're normal for you. You gotta be true to your real self, your asexual self. If you try to mold yourself into an orientation that you are not, you'll make yourself miserable. Yes, there is such a thing as asexuality and if you are one of us, it's okay, I promise.

You don't even have to go under a label

Yes there are a few different kinds of Asexuals, like Demis and Grays. Maybe you don't feel attraction at all. Maybe you don't feel attraction without a secure foundation of trust and friendship. Maybe you only feel attraction rarely. There are about a million different variations of this sexual orientation. If you don't fit neatly under one of the labels, that's okay. You can take shelter under our umbrella or not. Explaining asexuality just made it easier to talk to my family about myself.

Finding the label gave me comfort

So this Thanksgiving, you can try to explain this stuff to your family. It might help them to understand you better. Maybe now is the time to really connect with your family and try to help them get you. Or you can lie and say, "yeah I have a boyfriend" and save the long explanation for another time. This is up to you. Sometimes the dinner table isn't the right place. But I warn you, if you take the lying route, you have to come clean sooner or later or it will eat you alive I swear. Even though Asexuality isn't as widely recognized as LGBT or heterosexuality, it is still a legitimate orientation that you shouldn't be ashamed of. It is very tempting to give up or feel hopeless because so few people understand. But you must not! Yes there are absolute crap people who will break your trust or try to pressure you. There are tons. But there are great people too. Know that there are people like you who understand what you're going through. There are people who will love you, who will build your trust and be your loving companion. You only need to find one gem my dears. You'll be alright. Don't give up. And there are some of you who will want to be singe forever. You'll still find great friends and loved ones who will understand you. Do what makes you happy and the rest will follow.

Share with us!

What sexuality concept will you have to explain this holiday season?

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Do you have a story to tell?

If you want to share your Thanksgiving story, or you'd just like to share or vent or ask questions about sexuality, leave a comment! We're a community here, we should help understand each other my friends!


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