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Ask a Divorced Person About Marriage for Advice

Updated on July 25, 2012
A Married Couple in their BMW
A Married Couple in their BMW

It's true. Ask any divorced person for advice about marriage relationships. They know if they have learned from their mistakes. A recent study covering over 300 marriages over 25 years has been released. The study showed the Top 5 ways to stay together, based upon the 300 marriages with a 46% divorce rate. Yet, 44% did get remarried.

There are two No.1 issues that causes divorces and therefore, need to be addressed by a couple: Money and Communication. From the study, 50% cited that money was the source of conflict, whether good or bad. If it got really bad, divorce was not far behind. The fights were spending styles, on what, lies about money and accounts, using to control the other. Couples failed to discuss the issue and resolve differences. The study showed nearly half refused to discuss money issues.

The other No.1 reason for failed relationships is communication style differences between the couple. The study showed that 41% would change their communication style. The style most cited as beneficial are those who discuss in calm voice and argue that produces a solution not just anger. Learning the art of active listening and repeating back what the other said for complete understanding. The study showed that merely doing "maintenance communication" about household, work, children issues, is not satisfying enough, as it produces a "hollow" impact as the years go by.

Lesser reasons for divorce are past loves and relationships and blaming the relationship. Both men and women can find it difficult to let go of the past, getting over your partner's jealousy, how in-laws treat you, trust issues or other childhood scars that impact the relationship. Even holding onto hate (or, love) can impact your present relationship. The best way to let the past go is to write it on paper, like in a journal, as it helps release them. Whatever works, the issues of the past need to dealt with.

The blame game is a biggie when a relationship ends. The study showed that 80% of the women blamed their ex for just about everything and anything. While, men blamed their ex's 47%. More interestingly is that only 4% of the women blamed themselves for marriage failures compared to 16% for men. Not shocking was the fact that more men did admit having affairs than women did. Those who cling to anger have a harder time finding a new relationship, so let it go. Toss it to the wind.

Then there is the "lack of affection" issue that seeps into all relationships in subtle fashion. The daily grind, the redundant issues or problems that cascade endlessly forever into your world. They all "dull" our feelings. Make us tired. The study showed that 15% of them would be more affectionate, more often, showing the other why they are important, and how they make everything more interesting. The study was a surprise, in that, men need more nonsexual affection or affirmation than women. If a man is not getting it, the chances are higher he will find it elsewhere. Doing little favors for the other means you car about them and think of them often.


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