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- Romantic Intimacy
Assumptions in relationships
Assumptions in relationships
“When someone hurt you badly”, “When your trust was abused” - I could give these titles here considering what I am writing about, however let me address the topic of relations from another perspective.
When you go into any relation, connection with someone, you probably assume certain things such popular as: this person will be loving to you, will communicate the truth, will be honest, won’t kill you, so on.
Some assumptions we make quite consciously, a lot more happens subconsciously. How they are created is determined by the composure of our all life: environment we grew up in and overall experience.
Wrong assumptions whether positive or negative have specific consequences in relationships with others.
While positive assumptions can lead you to a beautiful dream – illusion that may result soon or later in a nightmare - reality, negative assumptions can either protect you or bring the worse scenario.
If you expect the worse to happen, it may happen as a self fulfilling prophecy. You can: change the projection – assumption using any tools you know (affirmation, therapy, changing attitude) or start to protect yourself as best you can now from the impact of the worse that is about to come. It has a lot to do with taking into account presence, past and future.
Be ready for the worse and expect the best?
Sometimes it may be prepared for the worse, step back and do anything you can to prepare yourself for it, especially when it is very likely you cannot control how others will behave.
Assuming that someone is nice, a great friend, lover, husband, wife, etc., that you have a great connection with, and such understanding, doesn’t mean that this person won’t hurt you, won’t lie to you, that you both won’t encounter serious communication problems. And the more intense, deep connection you have, the more it will hurt.
Assume, most people do not hurt others on purpose
If someone abused your trust, there are at least two opposite facts: this person did it and shouldn’t and secondly everything has a reason, so this person had own arguments to do so, like for example: fearing you will walk away while the truth will be revealed; not wanting to face problems, not wanting to hurt you in a first place.
There can be a great communication between people and understanding, still it can happen that the other one will do something that will hurt you most or you do that to another.
We cannot predict and avoid every bruise or crush in life, however the more we learn about self, the more we can foresee, the more we can protect ourselves and be prepared for the things we cannot change.
In the painful situation between people, I think most important is to come to dialog and understanding, if it is possible. It may not help when perception and holding on to own ideas is stronger than willing to understand both sides. However if two sides are willing to work on the issue, such attempt can be enormous assistance.
Then you probably need to make important decisions. Who you want to be in this situation? What is possible now and what is not? Can you forgive?
There is no use to stay in a relation when all you can offer is your pain, mistrust. Some people use this to punish the other one. What is the best solution now for you and if you still care, for another? I think people are not hurting on purpose and this is as well difficult situation for them as for you, so maybe something positive is still possible.