ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Attachment Clarity for Love and Intimacy

Updated on August 23, 2013

Swedish Proverb

Being Loved
Being Loved | Source

To heal a broken spirit is to cherish and know love.

How much meaning does life have without love? What drives human attachments? Wisdom speaks through the ages about mankind’s need for love to respect his fellow man. Love on many levels is at the heart of social and cultural systems for survival.

Often what is not understood is the mature clarity a person needs to make clear and intelligent decisions about the human need for love and to understand effects of living a life without love accompanied by repressed emotions. The field of attachment theory helps to explain dynamics of human interactions surrounding emotional values and behaviors.

Attachment Systems

An individual’s attachment system involves emotions and behaviors that seek safety, shelter and compassion through closeness to people who are trusted for love and caring in varying ways.

Researchers theorize that adults exhibit patterns of attachment in adult relationships in much the same way children exhibit patterns of attachment with parents. The absence of loving parental figures in a child's life increases a child's chances of developing deep seated anxiety disorders.

The field of attachment theory is based upon the initial work of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby surrounding maternal deprivation. Essentially human mental, physical, spiritual and emotional survival is based upon relationships with others and not in isolation unto one’s self.

In the book titled Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A., they decode adult relationship behavior into three relationship attachment styles which can change over an individual’s lifetime. Basically the styles are:

  • Secure: People who are warm and comfortable in relationships,
  • Anxious: People who crave and stress over affection in relationships and
  • Avoidant: People who minimize closeness in relationships for personal independence.

Individual attachment styles are believed by the authors to be influenced in each person's life by a number of factors. Two factors are the way your parents cared for you growing up and your experiences encountered in life.

Love Self-Defined

Ask anyone their definition of love and invariably you will hear a plethora of responses. Love is proclaimed to be self-less. You are admonished to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Love is declared to be unconditional.

Notions of love can become rationalized and displaced within individuals who think of love in self-indulgent ways leading them to project their values and beliefs about love onto others not of the same mindset. Consequently, factors surrounding notions of love affect intimacy and affection between people on a variety of levels involving physical contact, mutual activities, judgment and reason and biochemical interactions.

Love Communication

To genuinely love anyone on any level, regardless of relationship, involves revealing yourself with total revelation, full disclosure and transparency in the hope of being understood. Two people can only love within the capacity of their comfort zones to love. The inability to fully disclose one’s self in communication to another, on the basis of the relationship entered into, is a measure of how much you love or hesitate to love without fear. Perfect love, according to biblical scripture, is said to cast out all fear of being able to love. Perfect love is another way of saying you are not afraid to fully disclose who you truly know yourself to be to someone you proclaim to love.

Communication is essential to becoming vulnerable to another to expose your deepest self to another in trust. When trust is absent in any relationship, it becomes impossible to honestly communicate with full disclosure on any level within the consummate love of intimacy, passion and commitment as postulated in the triangular theory of love by Robert Sternberg.

Love Commitment

When you are not able to mutually commit to a relationship with another in understanding of each other’s love expectations, it can be out of fear of commitment because of past seductive deception, fear of exposing who you truly are, emotional scarring from previous love experiences, what you were taught and learned about love or failure to fully trust the person who claims to love you.

To love unconditionally is to love without conditions; but in reality, commitments are often stipulated in relationship agreements and love contracts. Agreements and contracts become necessary in relationships when people are uncertain of their own intentions, their partner’s intentions or the long-term fidelity of their relationship.

Love Exploitation

Stories abound of individuals who have been seduced, swindled, hoodwinked, controlled, abused, manipulated and psychologically intimidated by deception through espoused feelings, false promises, empty desires and hopeless dreams. Physical interaction and emotional limerence, that are purely temporal in nature, are generally at the heart of socially engineered relationships for self-indulgence. Immature, innocent and anxious individuals starved for love and affection are most at risk for becoming exploited by relationship con artists and sexual predators.

Love Boundaries

One conception of love does not fit all. There are boundaries to love for cosmic harmony that exist within the world and universe. There are categories and descriptions of love between parents, children, lovers, friends, neighbors, associates and acquaintances. Such boundaries are necessary in societies and cultures for peaceful human coexistence. When mankind is not able to coexist in loving respect for each other, the result is distrust, secret communications, legislated laws, enforcements, conflicts-of-interest, illegal affairs, acts of infidelity and corruption. At the heart of love is the ethic of reciprocity: to treat someone as you would like to be treated or not treat someone as you would not like to be treated.

Love Repressed

When love is repressed, there is generally a need to verbally express emotions, act out emotions or both. When desire for love is not met in a healthy way, individuals are capable of displacing unmet emotional needs in negative ways. A person may overcompensate for answers of why they exist in life and for what purpose.

A sense of not being loved can result in cynical and sarcastic behaviors about love. Male and female individuals of all ages may resort to using metaphorical expletives, derogative terms and negative expressions to express displaced heartache and emotional anger resulting from unfulfilled love or love abandonment.

Abused children, starved for love, rebel against authority, misbehave for negative attention and potentially become inflicted with low self-esteem. The absence of a sense of genuine love in a child’s life leaves a child emotionally vulnerable. Emotionally vulnerable individuals become susceptible to alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, criminal behavior, psychological unbalance and suicidal depression unless on some level love intervenes and gives them hope and reason for change.

Love Hormones

Oxytocin, pheromones, other hormones and biochemical factors have been found to play a part in attachment theory, human bonding and emotional conceptions of love. Studies of the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis suggest that the quality and manner in which children are reared influences the development of the neurological systems which regulate individual stress levels.

Adrenal insufficiency, also referred to as hormonal imbalance, has been associated with repressed physical attraction and repressed emotional attachment. Attachment anxiety has been shown to raise levels of cortisol which in turn is believed to elevate manageable levels of distress into unmanageable levels of stress that are credited with being responsible for a number of health risks, fatigue and depression.

Attachment Clarity

Attachment clarity is understanding and having clarity of purpose for your attachment to others. Achieving attachment clarity for yourself will assist you with consciously making decisions about physical and emotional interactions that are in your best interest and that are mutually rewarding. When you love well with clarity, you are apt to laugh more and smile more. You will experience more vitality and energy. Forgiveness will come easier for sincere apologies when communications embrace explanations with transparency and listening with authentic understanding.

In a variation of the poem, Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 -2005), “If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He learns to find love in the world.” Love is at the heart of all human attachments and serves to strengthen the human spirit. It is love that continually gives rise to hope for better tomorrows among mankind. It is love that binds us all in spite of ourselves.

Love Pebbles: Loving Reflections for the Soul

Love Attachment


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Aliant Coaching 

      5 years ago

      Thank you. Your feedback was, and is, very much appreciated.

    • My Cook Book profile image

      Dil Vil 

      5 years ago from India

      Good hub, i especially like the message in the pics. Thanks for a good read.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)