Attracting the Opposite Sex
or Whatever... Each To His Own
In chapter one (that’s Genesis) of the Bible, it’s reported
God said, “Go forth and multiply, and get this planet sorted!”
Most beasts, at once, went out and found another beast they courted
Remembering that “kind to kind” as they had been exhorted
But the Wildebeest, as from day one, it has been purported
Found no matter how he tried, his domestic plans were thwarted
Forgive the gentle Wildebeest for his lugubrious face,
For you, I’m sure, would look as sad if you were in his place.
God said, “Go forth and multiply, and thus increase your race”
But hadn’t told the Wildebeest exactly where his place
Was on the local food chain…between burger and battered plaice
If the food chain were a pyramid… Lion would be apex.. Wildebeest the base.
To catch his mate, the weaver bird does things with twigs and grasses
But cleverly seems not to need to go to weaving classes.
Mandrills and baboons make do with showing off their arses.
And, take my word, the brightest pink each other arse surpasses
Snails, those slow hermaphrodites, shag any snail that passes.
And Chavs all wear designer clothes and big Bulgari glasses.
Polar bears dig polar snares to trap their bear essentials
Orientals seem to dream of other Orientals
Landlords, to entice young ladies slyly drop their rentals
For penthouse flats or pieds-à-terre and other fundamentals.
Moët Champagne and caviar are the Plutocrats’ essentials
Whilst New Age mums feed New Age chums on pulses, beans and lentils.
To attract one of the other sex, however one disposes
Clairvoyants seeking Psychics, hunt, the tarot card discloses
And fatalists pessimistically search bleakly, one supposes.
Firemen with ladders do with hydrants, pipes and hoses.
Inuits or Eskimos apparently rub noses;
Whilst modern man does what he can with chocolates and roses.
But Wildebeest to propagate with other Wildebeest
Migrate in herds of one-point-four million at the least
They plod clockwise from East to West and then from West to East
And kindly give themselves to lion and leopard as a feast
And those that don’t succumb to floods where waters have increased
Are snatched by hungry crocodiles and thus become deceased.
So cry, “Hurrah!” for polar bears and landlord snares, and desirable locations
And rats and cats and vampire bats; Shout “Well done!” with elation.
To bird-dogs; bullfrogs; lapdogs; hogs; it’s time for celebration,
“For you, with all your fecund crew have helped preserve creation”.
For every creeping thing that creeps deserves my admiration
Because each sniffed out with nose or snout to increase its population.
Snails and quails and chaps in gaols, find mates in all locations.
And Chavs have proved that Chav taste brings sexual culmination.
Daddy Bears with Mummy Bears make Baby Bears their creation
Tempting little Goldilocks with their cooked breakfast collation.
But for Wildebeest, domestic life does not fulfil expectation
For as it goes… there’ll be no next Wildebeest generation.