- Gender and Relationships
Avoiding The Rebound Relationship
After six months of ending the marriage, I do have to say, that I am standing stronger spiritually. I have decided to focus on the most important human being in my life right now. The recuperation process from a relationship which never fit my expected ideals has been a long and strenuous process. All the other relationships in my life, such as with my son and daughter, and with my parents have strengthened since I decided to abide alone. There is still a lot of "clutter" in the mental process to remove. And the reasons for separation from the spouse are still standing.
What To Do Without A Spouse
Getting more rest is a good solution for a newly separated individual, who had devoted entirely 100% of full effort to keep a relationship alive with one who could care less. Sleeping like one has never slept before is a very good for the healing experience. Putting more of this individual's efforts into the work performance on the job will absolutely be fulfilling for a busy active individual no longer in a long term relationship. Spending more time with family, and participation in family oriented activities will definitely get one's mind off of the bitter memories of a relationship gone bad. Starting new projects, or even finishing old projects will keep the mind active.
In my experience, I felt quite free and refreshed as I knew that the person I left was not abusive to me at the very end. Initially, I wanted to think that we could be in fellowship at Church Ministry despite our decision to change. Letting others know of this change was not difficult to do, since this relationship was subject to failure due to the incompatibility. Everyone that I now come into contact with see the difference. I feel well received as a newly single person again.
But how long should a person WAIT to start a new relationship? Does it depend on the maturity of the person, or does it have to do with the Legal period of Separation? Each state in the United States has its own legal process in regards to the length of separation before one can file for legal divorce.
A person who starts a new relationship while still with the incompatible one is looking for a dangerous situation- sneaking around, dividing one's emotions and time for two relationships turns one into a deceitful person, whether it is obvious or not. Being in an open marital relationship is also just as deceitful as hiding a relationship, since it nullifies the sanctity of what marriage really is.
A person who becomes a "swinging single" is one who throws away moral standards of a relationship to do as one pleases with whomever comes along the way. The stereotypes that are illustrated in movies or on television programs will laugh at the results of this kind of lifestyle, but in a serious look at it, from a healthy point of view, there could be some serious complications that effect any future commitments in any relationships.
Another way that a rebound relationship develops is when a person decides to "go the other way", that is, change in the gender preference in a relationship. Gay and Lesbian relationships are so much more widespread today. As a mature Christian, it takes a strong person to accept individuals who choose this lifestyle. It is quite common that people who change their gender preference may have had failed hetero type relationships in the past; the decision is that the new choice in a same gender relationship may be more satisfying.
What is a Rebound Relationship?
It is a relationship that is begun right after one has ended which carries an emotional thread of desire to be accepted, loved, wanted, treated the same way or even better than what was experienced before. The action of developing a relationship just because one does not want to be lonely or without physical touch. The desire to be with someone because that person "needs" to be with someone justifies the definition for a rebound relationship. Even if someone's spouse or partner has died, it could be easy to fill that person's place with another.
How to avoid a Rebound relationship takes a lot of time. Someone told me that whoever once was intimate physically and emotionally with another becomes "soul-tied" with that individual. It takes spiritual strength in prayer and forgiveness to release that bond between two who have bared their souls and bodies to one another. Establishing new goals in a relationship, and standing firm in a new belief system regarding relationships with others will assist in making better choices as the new relationship develops.
What About The Children?
If a parent decides to start a new relationship after separation or divorce from their children's parent, it is good to review what impact a new relationship has on the younger ones. It is good to relate to the children who are old enough to understand what your plans are, and to include them in the relationship. They will notice a big difference in the parent's life change. Dating and even sleep over guests have a big impact on how the children will respond. It is always good to get the approval of the children, if the new partner is to be around on a regular basis. And it is good to be open and honest with the other parent if the new relationship has an effect on the child's behavior. Children know who they want their parents to be.
Making New Changes
Making new choices will influence new habits and lifestyles. Joining a new church ministry, moving to a new neighborhood, changing jobs, decluttering memorabilia of the old relationship are different conditions that may be experienced in order to make way for a new healthy relationship. Keeping a journal of these new steps keep the mind free of emotional setbacks. Listening to old music that was experienced in the previous relationship is an example of how a person can have a set back emotionally.
So should a person wait six months, or a year to start a new relationship? Should a person justify any of these changes with the former spouse/partner to clear the way?
I believe that communication is very good to have among mentally healthy mature individuals. Letting know that one is forgiven is a form of agape love between individuals. If reconciliation is not ever to be made with the other, then honesty is the best medicine. But honesty should be respectful and never defiant.
If a Rebound Relationship has occurred already, and one is suddenly aware of it, then it is possible that discussing it with the new person may be a healthy way of discovering what one is looking forward to in the relationship. Pretending that the one he or she is with is someone else never results into anything successful.
On a personal note, I think twice before I pick up the phone now to call someone I used to date. I even think twice when I pick up the phone to call the person I just ended my relationship with. I have experienced loneliness; I have become busier at the workplace resulting in positive feedback from my employer; and I have spent more times in prayer and meditation so not to ever make the same relationship mistakes again.
© 2012 CMCastro