BAD DATES: All You Ever Wanted To Know And More

BAD DATES. Everyone has had, at one time or another, a bad date. To me, there is a distinct area of confusion as to the true definition of a "bad" date. What I'm struggling to say is what "we," the civilized peoples of the world call a bad date is someone who is a few minutes late, doesn't wear the right clothes, talks with a twang in their voice and uses a perfume or cologne not to our liking. And we love to sit back and say these describe a "bad" date. Boy, do we all have to go "back to school," on this one.

DON'T BE UPSET. We all, including yours truly, have to face facts on the dating scene. I cannot quote the correct ratio of bad dates versus good dates, but I'd wager four-dollars and sixty cents that "bad" dates out number good dates. What do you think?

(This hub is dedicated to Catgypsy, for her inspiring this hub idea. Thanks, catgypsy. I love to give credit where credit is due. ~~~Kenneth).



YOU WOULD BE SAFE IN SAYING that this is three hubs in one. One section will deal with "How To Spot a Bad Date." One section will expose, "What Not To Do On A Bad Date," and the last area of conversation will be, "How To Avoid Bad Dates."

MY BASES ARE COVERED with my tell-all hub with multiple-ideas, that are for ONE REASON. And one reason only. To help both the guys and girls not only avoid, but know a bad date and the tell-tale signs that the date you are on maybe headed toward the awful place called: "Bad Land."

ARE YOU READY? Are you sitting in a comfortable La-Z-Boy recliner with your laptop? Are you with favorite beverage in-hand? And finally, are you ready to learn some harsh truths about the taboo subject of "bad dates?" Okay. My first section is . . .

How to Spot a Bad Date (Ladies first)

• If he shows up at your apartment smelling like Chicken-of-The-Sea tuna, then you know right then that this is going to be a bad date.

• If he tells you, "hey, doll, would you duck in the men's room at the gas station on the corner and get me a condom?" you know automatically that this date is going to be bad.

• If when eating, he never bothers to use his napkin and continues talking with mustard, steak sauce and grease on his face. Bad date for sure, ladies.

• When you get into his car, and he tries right then and there to "put the moves on you," hey, this is definitely a bad date.

• If he uses a fake name, then you know that this is a bad date and you need to get out fast.

How to Spot a Bad Date (Men, your turn)

• If your date insists on bringing her brother, "Nedd," along, then your date is a bad date.

• If she walks to you juggling cacti, knives and live rattlesnakes, get out now. This is a bad date, guys.

• If your date wants to play "Blind Man's Bluff" in the restaurant before you dine, call a cab. Walk out. Run. For this date has "bad" written all over it.

• If your waiter, a guy named, "Big Bill," asks your date for her phone number--and she gladly hands it over, get real, man! This is headed for doom.

How to Avoid a Bad Date (Ladies first)

• When your girlfriend, "Margie," says, "Girl, have I got a stud for you," that can mean only one thing: An overly-aggressive, ape-like man who has been taught (from birth) that women are on earth for one reason: Breeding.

• When your potential-date calls you and the first thing out of his mouth is, "I do a great circus clown routine with make-up and all," tell him you are sick and cannot leave your apartment. And he cannot visit you for you have "Brazlian Foot Fungninitus," and it is highly-contagious.

• Your other girlfriend, "June," a sweet girl, points your blind date out to you and he is doing a dog barking impression on the sidewalk for change, then tell sweet "June," you prefer men, not canines, for dates.

• When he knocks on your door and you look through the "peephole" only to see a guy wearing only a pair of Levi jeans, a necklace made from shark teeth, no shoes, no shirt and cheap sunglasses, pretend you are not home. Unless you like to explore the unknown regions of the uncharted lands of The Bayou in Louisiana.

• When he asks you while walking to the car, "excuse me. I have to take a leak," and does that. On the sidewalk. In daylight. Please, ladies, if you have any sense, yell, run, and get back to your apartment. The shame alone this guy will give you will scar you for life.

How to Avoid a Bad Date (Men, your turn)

• If she calls you constantly--hours before you are to pick her up, she is either nuts or very possessive. Think this through, guys. Are you ready for a mother-figure in your single life?

• If she adamantly wants you to call her, "Twirls," and her name is Janet, something else is going on with her. You realize your suspicions are true when she demands that you take her to the nearest strip club to meet her old friends.

• She "wolfs-down" her baked chicken like a starved hyena only taking time out to wave at strangers in the restaurant, she is definitely not for you.

• She wears a skirt so short that ALL of the male patrons, including five waiters, follow you to your table and sit on the floor pretending to look for someone's lost contact lenses. This spells trouble. Not for her, but you.

• If she declines a nice dinner at a romantic restaurant and some slow dancing for a catch-up visit with the local chapter of "Satan's Army," a notorious biker gang, then do not turn off the engine of your car. Keep driving. Back to her place. Then leave.

What NOT to Do on a Bad Date (Applicable to Girls and Guys)

• If you date, for no reason, starts weeping uncontrollably, do not panic. Be cool. He or she may be having a flash-back to some trauma of their own, but if when you ask them, "why are you crying like that?" and they reply, "oh, uhhhh, just for kicks," then you did the right thing in not going into panic-mode.

• If your date's personality changes, and I mean changes drastically--from angelic to demonic, and begins to talk in a strange voice at you, DO NOT crawl underneath the table. This will only draw unwanted attention from other patrons. Use your sense of touch to dial 9-1-1 on your cell phone and endure this spectacle as long as possible.

• If you date takes a swing at you, duck. DO NOT use physical force even to fend-off those hard right hooks and upper-cuts from your "Miss America" look-alike. And ladies, if your guy does this very same thing to you, point your sharp steak knife in his face and declare, "one more move and you will have your PRIVATES for dessert."

• If your date starts heaving yeast rolls and pork chops at you because they love the "food fight" scene in "Animal House," do not cause a scene. Just politely get up. Smile at "Bluto," or "Blutoette," and leave in an obscure manner. The manager will make them pay for the mess. Not you.

• If your date demands, "dance with me, sweet cheeks," get up and pretend to dance. And then leave as fast as possible. You are in the right by doing this for this is a non-dancing restaurant and there is NO music. Get my drift?

10 Things That Can Make Any Date BAD. And Fast

1. Talking about old girl or boyfriends constantly to your date. And you are not sharing troubles either, but how she or he "rocked your world," each time you went out with them. Your new date will feel intimidated. Embarrassed. And want to leave. Thanks to you.

2. You keep gazing at the girl (or guy) at the next table--blowing sensuous kisses at them and winking. All night while your date tries to connect with you.

3. You slap the waiter on the rump. Each time he (or she) comes to your table.

4. You grab his or her dessert and blurt out, "just trying to keep your belly from getting any bigger."

5. Confessing (and this is for MEN ONLY) that your main hobby is watching "triple X" pornographic movies all weekend.

6. Confessing (and this is for GIRLS ONLY) that you enjoy showering with strange men at the ACME 24-7 Truck Stop just down the interstate.

7. Not making sure that your fly is zipped. (this is for both sexes.)

8. Wearing your blouse TOO OPEN when you go out in public. (GIRLS ONLY).

9. Wearing your Hanes briefs on the outside of your pants. (MEN ONLY).

10. Falling asleep on the table, in your car as you wait in the drive-thru at Arby's, and snoring when your sweet date confesses their inner-most heart's desires on how they really feel about you.

I'm finished.