Bald men are so sexy. Let your head shine!
“So I finally went out with Michael. And, wow, you wouldn’t believe the shock I got!” My friend Roxy loved to dish about her dates. “He had lots of hair” she continued, “...on his HEAD!”
I was surprised. I’d met the guy at the same party she had. And I remembered him -- dark blue eyes, fabulous smile, bald. At least, I’d assumed he was bald. After all, he was a grown man, and he was wearing a baseball cap. What better sign of baldness is there?
Among my friends, we even have a name for them – Base-bald caps. That’s not saying baseball caps cause baldness. It’s the reverse. Baldness causes baseball caps to be worn by otherwise rational, tasteful adult males.
It’s as if these head-hiders think that because we’re usually shorter, women aren’t capable of seeing anything above eye level. Or at least, our vision is so bad that we’re easily fooled. What other possible explanation could there be for baseball caps and their evil cousin, the toupee?
Toupees are especially sad. We women know what it’s like to wear uncomfortable things for the sake of beauty. And gluing a mat of hair to the top of your head -- how could that possibly be comfortable? True, sore feet and backaches aren’t pleasant. But when we endure the pain of high heels, we at least have the fun of looking sexy. A guy with a mat of hair glued to the top of his head looks like...a guy with a mat of hair glued to his head.
One of the most universally attractive features is self-confidence. That’s what makes this whole cover-up thing so unfortunate. When a man hides his head, he’s saying that he can’t face up to being bald, that he’s embarrassed by his lack of hair. But it’s his lack of self-confidence that’s the real turn-off.
Baldness is hardly a big secret. Two thirds of all Caucasian men will have lost some or most of their hair by the age of 40. It’s natural. After a certain age, women practically expect a man to be bald.
“I’m a little bit prejudiced when I meet a middle-aged man with a full head of hair. It’s almost like I’m expecting him to be a male bimbo”, reports a female lawyer who chooses to remain anonymous. “I’m thinking, ‘This guy just gets by on having great hair. He’s never needed to develop a brain or a personality.’ ”
“I’m fascinated by that whole hormone thing,” adds Sandra, a media executive. “I had a bald boyfriend who used to say that he had better things to do with his testosterone than to waste it growing hair. And, girlfriend, he was right!”
Male pattern baldness is caused by an overabundance of DHT, a powerful testosterone derivative. If you doubt that baldness is a reflection of a man’s masculinity, think about this -- Eunuchs never go bald.
There is something very in-your-face sexual about a bald head. I think there’s even a subliminal effect, in that it brings to mind a man’s other “bald head.” Remember Wilson Bryan Key’s Subliminal Seduction ? The book is sort of a paranoid treatise about hidden messages in advertising. According to Key, split second flashes of sexual subjects were inserted into ordinary commercials to create a desire for the product.
Years ago, I saw him lecture about it. He magnified and analyzed the dot structure of print ads, looking for sexual symbols. I still remember him showing us a magnified placemat from Howard Johnson’s, pointing out dots that he said looked like teddy bears screwing. I couldn’t see it. But what I could see was his totally bald head poking out of his white shirt. And I thought the collar of his shirt looked an awful lot like the fly in a pair of white boxer shorts. I’ve always wondered if he meant to give off that subliminal message.
Part of the sexiness of a bald head isn’t even subliminal. Women are notoriously tactile creatures. That’s why our wardrobes have evolved to include all of the soft and silky fabrics. Smooth is sensual; and there’s no part of the body quite as smooth as a bald man’s head.
When my friend Roxy found the surprise under that guy’s baseball cap, she wasn’t exactly thrilled. She’s been dating bald guys since high school, and has always had a marked preference for them. She likes to say that “it isn’t just the bald head, it’s what he does with it.”
The new man in her life, she complained, had hair that was thicker than her own, with not even a hint of a bald spot. “No bare spot to press my lips.” was how she put it. But Roxy is, at her core, an open-minded gal. “He’s got lots of other great qualities”, she reminded herself. “We’re just getting started in this relationship. I’m totally crazy about him. So I have to believe that someday he’ll fall deeply in love with me. That’s when I’ll ask him to shave.”