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Bar Mitzvah Speeches II

Updated on April 28, 2014

Speech from the Father

Friends and Family,

(Wife's name), (Other childrens' names) and I are delighted that you could join us to celebrate (Name of Bar Mitzvah)'s Bar Mitzvah over this week-end. You are all most welcome and great to see you all here.

I've been asked to say only nice things about (Name of Bar Mitzvah). So thanks for listening! In fact, I have spent many weeks researching this speech, looking for something nice to say about (Name of Bar Mitzvah) and the conclusion I reach is that, I just need some more time! I will come back to concentrate on (Name of Bar Mitzvah) later.

(Wife's name), you look absolutely beautiful and radiant this evening, not that you don’t always! Not only does (Wife's name) look stunning tonight, in fact you all look great! For the first time I realise I know some really good looking family and friends – but sadly they couldn’t make it here tonight! Truth is I am a millionaire, not because I have all the money in the world, but because I have an amazing family and friends around me.

Now then, (Name of Bar Mitzvah), what can I say and of course 1 option would be to say nothing at all! Some say he has the taste buds of a wild boar; some say he studies even for a blood test; some say he has the temper of the incredible hulk; but, we know him best as ‘THE (Name of Bar Mitzvah)’

(Wife's name), (Other childrens' names) and I thought (Name of Bar Mitzvah) was superb in synagogue, yesterday. I am not unduly surprised because for those of you who know me I am very learned myself!

We are very proud of (Name of Bar Mitzvah) and particularly surprised as to how well he is getting on at School. Within a few months of joining the school last year we attended parents evening. His teachers remarked that he is very positive, enthusiastic and behaves impeccably. Impossible we thought, Are you sure you have the right child?

Now then here comes the truth. (Name of Bar Mitzvah) is the most argumentative young man in the world! He is somewhat challenging! Never short of an opinion - his advice centre never closes! He must get his own way and in order to remain fit and well needs to fulfil certain daily requirements:

  • At least 4 hours of television per day
  • An additional 2 hours of playing on his X Box
  • Several arguments with his brother
  • Even more arguments with his mother

When bad behaviour strikes, (Name of Bar Mitzvah) suggests that I look at the root cause and rationale behind his actions, when a simple ‘I’m sorry, I did it’ would do. Seriously, (Name of Bar Mitzvah) we are immensely proud of you, we love you to bits.

Here we are celebrating your Bar Mitzvah, (Name of Bar Mitzvah). We don’t know what the future holds, but Mum and I want your future to be a happy, successful and healthy one. We think you might make quite a good salesman as you demonstrate entrepreneurial skills. Only the other day (Name of Bar Mitzvah) decided to sell some things on Ebay. He was trying to flog a packet of Polo’s stating that they were in ‘Mint Condition’.

Turning to the proud grandpas. We can’t repay you both for all that you have done as (Name of Bar Mitzvah) gifts to you will shortly demonstrate, particularly as they were buy one get one free at Tesco.

(Name of wife) and I hope you will enjoy this very special occasion, we certainly plan to, so ENJOY THE REST OF THE EVENING.

Speech response from the Bar Mitzvah

Mum, Dad, (Name of siblings), Relatives & Friends,

Dad has shaped my sense of humour so if my speech isn’t funny you know who to blame! He thinks he is really funny he’s always in stitches, but that’s really because he’s usually having some sort of operation, or the other.

(Name of brother), you are my role model I will certainly miss you when you go to Uni next year. YEAH RIGHT! I see your bedroom with my name written all over it Seriously, you’re an inspiration and someone to look up to mainly because you’re 6 foot 3. I love you and you are one of my great mates.

I’d like to thank the most important woman in my life for her undying love, adoration and through all the good and bad times and for all the joy she brings, of course I mean our dog, (name of dog). Seriously, Mum, you are a close second best and I love you lots. You look beautiful tonight; it’s amazing what you can get from Primark these days!

Then there is my Dad. What can I say? Well some of my options could be to include that you are very patient with me, very tolerant, extremely calm under pressure and you never punish me, but sadly...

In truth you are a great friend to me and you always look out for me.

One other formality to complete. I guess you all realise just how fantastically well I performed in Shul yesterday. Well I can’t take all the credit, for I have had an expert teacher in the shape of (teacher's name) and of course my rabbi, (Rabbi's name).

Thank you to everyone for coming from near and far, I’m really pleased that you are all here with me to celebrate and I hope you are enjoying tonight as much as I am.

All that remains for me to say is for you all to have a great night and party away, I certainly plan to.

Speech from the Brother

(Embarrassing childhood nickname of the Bar Mitzvah), Mum, Dad, relatives and friends,

Today will be the proudest day of your life I told (name of the Bar Mitzvah), that was last Monday when he completed Grand Theft Auto 5.

I would like to begin by just saying how great my (Embarrassing childhood nickname of the Bar Mitzvah) was in shul yesterday, who knew he could read?!

In all seriousness though, I am incredibly proud of you and that is testament to all your work and unfaltering reciting the blessings every night before bed.

(Sarcastically) I am so glad (name of Bar Mitzvah) and I go to school together now. Teachers that I once had comment on (name of Bar Mitzvah) enthusiasm and zest for life, although one or two who have encountered him have since resigned!

So what of (name of Bar Mitzvah) 's talents? I have prepared a short list.

Firstly, he knows all the words to the Big Bang Theory theme song (or similair), quite a feat let me assure you. And from further hours of researching television programmes he can recite adverts by heart. He also proudly knows the Childline phone number off by heart, a fact he likes to reiterate to my dad during their legendary arguments.

Remaining on the topic of television, (name of Bar Mitzvah) and I don’t do that much together but one regular feature is the military operation that is scheduling our TV recordings, needless to say (name of Bar Mitzvah) has a rare talent of resolving recording conflicts by simply replacing mine with his. Wave goodbye to Question Time and University Challenge in order to make room for World’s Most Boring Roads or whatever he was watching the other day.

Secondly, (name of Bar Mitzvah) has the seemingly unique talent also to be able to wake up just fourteen minutes before school, , eat breakfast, shower, get dressed, brush his teeth and pack his bag, whilst still having ten minutes spare for his Xbox.

(name of Bar Mitzvah) is undeniably good at debating. He can argue his case for hours, literally hours. Once he has finished and has most probably been victorious he expects an apology from his defeated opponent and god forbid if he detects any sarcasm or he’ll make you say it again but sincerely!

(name of Bar Mitzvah) is also very good with numbers. He confidently knows all the telephone numbers of any chinese restaurant within a ten mile radius and all the corresponding numbers for every dish.

(name of Bar Mitzvah) is renowned for his ability to share allowing me a whole ten minutes TV after of course he has exhausted his three hour quota. Traffic Cops is not educational as much as you try to justify it is (name of Bar Mitzvah) , that’s not an excuse!

Remaining on the sharing theme, when I want to borrow a pen from (name of Bar Mitzvah) , a bigger performance has never been seen. I must first sign a contract promising its safe return, difficult since I haven’t yet been granted permission to use said pen. Then he makes me close my eyes as he goes to unlock his stationary safe, yes such a thing exists, and its in the second draw on the right hand side of your desk so don’t waste your time! He eventually gives me a pen, by which point I’ve forgotton what I wanted it for and ensures I have put up my computer as collatarol and expels me from his room.

(name of Bar Mitzvah) likes bonding time with Dad and I at our local Chinese restaurant in Bushey, where we reguarly partake in the All you can Eat menu. To be honest it would be fair to say that this is the closest our family will ever come to competitive sport. (name of Bar Mitzvah) is very good in fact. He’s come a long way since Prawn Crackers and Chips. I have made it my personal mission to train him, to not fill up on soft drinks and not to order vegetable dishes.

(name of Bar Mitzvah) is very loud, as I am sure my neighbours (names of neighbours present tonight) can testify. I will be a little sad when I leave for uni next year but at least I’ll have the comfort that I’ll still be able to hear him wherever I go!

From a personal point of view, I don’t get away with much when (name of Bar Mitzvah)'s around, he’s like my third parent; reporting my every move to Mum, Dad, Grandpa X, Grandpa Y or indeed anyone else who will listen.

(name of Bar Mitzvah) 's goody two shoes approach is transferred to him being very helpful and since he is extremely computer literate, I was able to outsource Grandpa Norman’s recipe compilation, printing, scanning, emailing and shipping to Sam and oweing to a steady hand Grandpa Jack’s painting jobs too.

I’m too scared to mention (name of Bar Mitzvah) 's many bad habits; I don’t want to put you off your dinners! So here seems like an appropriate place to end. Before I go, please can I ask you all, to charge your glasses and join me in a toast to my brother (name of Bar Mitzvah)


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