Separating the Men from the Boys and the Women from the Girls - Dating Observations & Advice

I grew up around a lot of Negative Nancys - women who blame every issue they have in their relationships on their men. You'd think I might be warped by this experience but the older I get the more I realize just how effed up it all is. So here are some of my biggest pet peeves and a few bits of advice. And so this article isn't totally sexist I will try to offend both genders equally.

Ladies! So happy to hear you could make it! Now, I fully expect lots of hissing and pissing coming from the peanut gallery tonight but bear with me. This is just as painful for me to point out as it is for you to realize. Here are some myths you have gathered in the feminine collective about yourselves and the men you choose that I am tired of hearing about.

1) Women are smarter than men.

Yes, it's true. In scientific study women perform better when it comes to emotional intelligence, linguistics, and things like spacial memory (knowing where something is when you haven't seen it in awhile.) There are good reasons for this. We've evolved to do these things better than men because we were the ones who needed these skills more. Since traditionally speaking women are the dominant factors in child rearing it makes sense they would have higher emotional IQ and better speech skills, after all they'll be the one teaching the babies to talk and reassuring them when there's monsters under the bed. This does NOT mean you are as a whole smarter than men! This does NOT mean that in all intellectual endeavors you are superior! Indeed when it comes to abstract activities like arithmetic and building activities little boys have a tendency to outdo their female peers. Does this mean one is better than the other? No. It means, in general, men and women have a different set of skills. That is ALL.

I am so sick of hearing that men are idiots or immature. Indeed, I agree, some are. I also have to conclude there are just as many dumb blondes and narcissistic female socialites, who it can be argued are completely stunted in maturity. Some of these women never grow out of it. Some men never grow out of their various forms of stupidity. This is an individual characteristic. And I got a secret for you if this is your common complaint... you are just as dumb as your loaf of a lover if he's the one you chose! Why didn't you choose a man of intellectual grace? Oh... because this dumb one was sexy at first, or he's a rebound and you weren't paying attention, or he had some other quality that you valued higher than intelligence at the time. Well, you made your bed, now sleep in it! One of my biggest annoyances at this concept is that a lot of these complaints come from men who are acting out what I call isms. These are behaviors that stem from the fact that said individual drank away most of his brains earlier on (or currently) in his life. If you are with an alcoholic or ex-alcoholic do NOT blame his dumbness on being male. I can assure you teetotaler men do not act like this! And if you really love him despite this glaring flaw then please... just shut up about it and accept it as being an unchangeable part of him, OK?

2) Women have Mystical Powers
I really don't know what to say to women who feel like their feminine wiles are somehow a super power. Can you seduce a man hoisting up your titties and wrapping them with some tiny scrap of fabric you call a shirt? Sure. Can you seduce all men this way? No.... of course not. Just like women, men find different things sexy. Some heterosexual men might find your teenage vampness totally repulsive. If they do, please, for the love of sanity, leave them alone. They do not want you. Just accept that. You'll be happier for it. If you are in the right place at the right time you might be able to sleep your way to the top. Don't let this go to your head. This does not make you magical, does not make you superior to the men you seduced. You know what it makes you? A prostitute. You slept with a man for payment of a raise, a better job, a better standing in society. Good for you. I wouldn't personally want to deal with the spiritual void and self hatred that must cause within you but obviously you're less of a wuss than I am so congrats.

3) Women think of sex/cheat less than men

If you are one of the women who believe this please do yourself a favor and stop lying to yourself. I have had the luxury of having co-ed company my whole life who haven't bothered to censor themselves around the lovely lady that I am. Yes, men can be raunchy, and often are. Women on the other hand... Holy hell! Wow. You ladies take the cake. How can you possibly believe you're somehow above sex and men when you're oggling the stud muffins on your favorite TV show and reading the shit out of Fifty Shades of Gray? Sure, as a whole, women watch less porn but does this mean anything when you're reading cheap romance novels which are at their base written porn? Stop being such a hypocrite. Studies show that almost as many women cheat on their husbands as husbands who cheat on their wives and there's more stunning news... the small gap in the numbers is closing! Why? Because instead of being chained to hearth and home women are working and coming into contact with more men than the domestic goddesses of eras past. It all comes down to opportunity. How does that make you look as a gender?

4) Women can change their men

Ladies! I got an an important bit of news for you! Men are not dogs. You cannot "train" them to be a better person, more responsible, or less repugnant. What you see is what you get. Men are human just like you. They are capable of higher reasoning and are just as entitled to their personality, with all its flaws, as you are to yours! Would you appreciate a boyfriend who tries to change you into a Stepford Wife? No? Then why would it it be OK for you to do the same to him?

Alright, now I get to talk to the lads. This should be fun. Here's some of the things I am tired from hearing from you gentlemen.

1) "Nice Guys" never get the girl

Alright, so we've established you're a "nice guy," whatever the hell that means. Personally, as a woman, if I hear you even mention the words nice and guy together I automatically make the snap judgement that you probably have an over inflated sense of self. That being said, I might be wrong. You might actually have a nice personality and be male. Who knows. It could happen. If you are I want you to answer me a quick question and I want you to do it with utmost honesty. My question is this, would you settle for a "nice girl?" Before you say, "obviously! That's what I'm looking for!" think about it. This girl is lovely. She loves you. She's very sweet to you but this is her only redeeming quality. She's lazy, lazier than anyone you have ever met. She doesn't have a job, she doesn't do any domestic chores, and her only purpose in life is to spend your money on useless things like handbags and shoes..... but she's really really nice! I have noticed a strong correlation between men who consider themselves "nice guys" (for not beating on previous girlfriends) are also the same men who want their women to be a maid, a babysitter for their illegitimate children from other women, and prostitute always ready to jump in the sack with great vigor. No self-respecting woman is going to do this, and if they do it won't be for long. She's going to head for the hills real fast. Women do not want men whose only real quality is they haven't been jailed or had a restraining order taken out on them. Now, if you do want a woman, a real woman, you're going to have to have something else going for you. Maybe you have a hobby you can share with her, maybe you are a great conversationalist, maybe you have artistic talent, maybe you actually know how to use the washing machine and bathe! Make sure she knows this! And if you want the woman I described earlier then get rich. At that point you can pay for a maid, a babysitter, and all the whores your heart could possibly want. At least in this situation everyone gets something out of the deal.

2) Only rich guys have a chance with the ladies

It's true, rich guys have it easier. I mean they have something that's really appealing to women - financial security. This isn't attractive because said woman is a self-centered bitch like you keep espousing to. She's attracted to this because she doesn't want to be bogged down with three children eating lunch at the soup kitchen because your latest get rich quick scheme ended in foreclosure. You can be poor and stable. Many many women will be perfectly happy with a poor man that she loves so long as he's stable. This is good news for all of you that love your job as a manual laborer but not so good news for all you that like to gamble, drink, and smoke away every penny you have. Its also bad for drug addicts and alcoholics. Some women may fall temporarily for your bad boy image but even these women will get sick of your crap and leave.

3) All women are crazy emotional and totally psycho

Just because this describes all your previous girlfriends does not mean this describes the entire gender. You'll be shocked to learn that there are a great many of us who have this thing called emotional stability. We act like sane, rational human beings, and we don't have irrational outbursts we later blame on the Menstruation Monster. If you have a chick like this I'll let you in on a secret - she's nuts, not just a little bit either, truly and utterly out of her ever lovin' mind. It's OK, you don't have the social sleuthing skills that other women have - you had no idea when you got into a relationship with her. But here you are, after she's maxed out your credit card, telling her calmly it's over and there she is... ripping the GPS out of your car before she slams the door and leaves your life. It's OK. Everyone makes mistakes but I do have some advice for you - and I will warn you it's going to sound sexist as all hell. My advice is never let the woman choose you. You, as a man, must choose your woman. This will at least give you a 50-50 chance of getting someone sane. If a woman chooses you it's because you're an easy mark and she's desperate for a relationship (likely because she's fucking nuts and has driven away her thirty previous boyfriends like a hunting dog flushing out pheasants.) RUN AWAY. DO NOT LOOK INTO HER EYES. SHE IS CRAZY.

4) Because I'm a "nice guy" I'll always be in the dreaded Friend Zone.

Gentlemen! I have an announcement to make.. You do not want the girl who has put you in the friend zone. I'm serious. I know there are a ton of movies and sitcoms out there telling these lovely stories about how men can get out of the friend zone and live happily ever after with the girl next door but they're all lies. Let me tell you about the friend zone. There are only two ways you can get into the friend zone. The first way is how sane women use the friend zone. In this case they know what they want and you're not even remotely close to that. In this case you are hopeless in changing her mind as she's already got the drive to seek out the target she believes is best for her and that's never going to be you. Sorry. The other way you can get into the friend zone is through crazy women - that is a woman that wants someone around that will give them all the benefits of a boyfriend but with none of the nookie. Why would they want something like that? Because they believe this will "complicate" the relationship. They already have bad experiences associated with it and now they treat the act like it's a bomb about to go off. You don't want a woman like this... already she's shown she has no problems with using you instead of getting the gay guy best friend she should have gone for in the first place. If by some chance you convince her that she does want you then you're in for it. Expect a constant emotional roller coaster and lots of petty squabbling and shouting matches. In the end just don't let yourself get friend zoned in the first place because if you're already there I'm sorry you're damned. Better luck next time.

So there it is.... laid out straight. Women need to pick their men based on the characteristics they find most important, not on how sexy he looked the day you met him, not how you thought he'd advance your career, not on your level of loneliness or the sheer convenience of snatching the guy closest to you. You need to stop settling and then bitching about the outcome. The happy chickas amongst us are tired of hearing about it. And to you men... stop your whining, its not attractive. Man up, give us ladies something to find attractive, and for the love of God stop letting all your girlfriends pick you. I think I have thoroughly offended everyone I could so I guess I am off for now. Feel free to leave other myths that piss you off in my comments section!

If you liked this article you may also enjoy some others written by Theophanes:

A Misanthropic Asexual's Veiws on Dating

Nature's Most Extreme Dads

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Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes

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