- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Men in Relationships
Be the Man She Wants
Hello again guys, I've often lamented that the male part of the human race is often shafted (excuse the punny expression) with regards to how to live our lives to be successful, respected, and loved by women. This important information about the meaning of life and proper manly conduct which was supposed to be passed down to us by someone whether our fathers or God or gods or from wherever; someone dropped the ball and it never made it to us. We get bits and pieces of advice and tidbits from all over place that have us both chasing and avoiding money, power, and fame. We hear that ladies want a rich man to provide for her but they always cheat on him with the starving artist who can make her see the world in a new light. That they want a sweet and sensitive guy but then they'll go for the badboy who treats them like trash because the sex is so great. If you are one of those guys seeking, as we all are, for the answer then I'll spell out what I've heard from countless women and what I've witnessed in dozens of happy men, is the secret to how they can have such a wonderful life. And the funny thing is that in spite of being a sex therapist; I see that sex is very rarely the issue at hand for the men in question.
The answer I think is summed up in one simple maxim: Live your life; Share your life. Let me explain what that means. The life you lead is yours alone, it can only be experienced by you and it is your responsibility to make it the one you've always wanted. (let me add that the quality of your life is NOT her problem... ever. Depending on anyone else to make your life great or miserable is a surefire way to ruin your relationship with that person.) Not to say you should quit your job and forsake everything, get the band back together and tour the midwest. If that makes you happy then go for it but chances are you'll grow weary of it after a while. I'm talking about having goals and dreams even if they're as simple as hiking the grand canyon, experiencing weightlessness (http://www.gozerog.com/), or even just finishing that Tom Clancy novel you never have time for. Working the nine-to-five may be a necessary part of making all that happen but have things in your life that you have to do but that you want to do, and then do them. When you've achieved a goal, move on to another one. Experience as much life as you can with the time you have.
"What does any of this have to do with women". Well... nothing... except everything. That's the second part of the maxim: "Share your life". Let other people in to share your experiences. I'm reminded of the scene in the movie Into The Wild when Christopher McAndless, the ultimate supertramp who lived his life to the absolute fullest roaming the country but unfortunately found himself starving to death in the Alaskan tundra, comes to the conclusion while facing his death that "Happiness is only real when shared". This is so true regardless of what beliefs you have, a life spent completely alone, even if you accomplish everything you ever wanted, will be miserable. You don't solve that by pining desperately for someone to be your mate. You solve it by pulling everyone around you in to share your happiness. Whether that's friends, female friends, or potential soul mates doesn't matter, when you bring people into your life they become more comfortable with you. When they're comfortable with you they're more likely to stay with you. As far as the romantic relationship goes, that's a natural process, feel it out and keep it light but a woman wants to share in your adventures (and share hers with you), not constantly consciously try to nurture some strange intangible "relationship".
In short, making your life the one you've always wanted will make women want to share it with you. They'll learn more about each other from sharing the things you love than you will from hours upon hours of chatting at a cliche "date restaurant". Be the guy with balls who goes for what he wants in life and you will put yourself above every other average frustrated chump snivelling for her affection, because you're going places, and she wants to be a part of that (if she's worth having at all). Go Live your life! and then Share your life!
- Dr. Sam Dunn