Before You Start a BDSM Relationship (for Sub/Slave/Bottom/Submissive/Little)
This article is for those who currently have a profile on a BDSM/Kink website, but
Are scared to meet someone
Don't know what to do once you have met someone
Want to avoid a dangerous situation
BDSM... Interested? Yes, But How Do I Safely Meet a Partner?
The Hard Truth:
If you had to take 100 people from the BDSM community –
Ninety out of one hundred people you meet will be fake.
It is the sad hard truth, but there it is. They will only want sex. They are not interested in a relationship, so they will say and do anything to get you to have sex and that is the last time you will see them.
Some of these people will be dangerous play partners. They won’t care about you, will push you too far and leave you scarred physically and/or emotionally or use you for your money.
Seventy out of one hundred of the people won’t be compatible with your likes and dislikes, needs/wants and/or fetishes...
Eighty-five of the one hundred will be married and/or overseas.
If polyamory suits you, then this won’t bother you. Just please make sure you don’t start a polyamorist relationship blindly. Know what it entails.
Long-distance relationships can work. I have had a long-distance relationship with a pet that I loved, cherished, and protected. This kind of relationship takes hard work and constant communication. Know what it entails.
Three out of one hundred will show promise.
This number is disappointing, but what I can tell you is, once you find your ‘perfect’ match, your whole world will change for the better.
I’m moving on to the first step to the ‘meeting someone’ phase, assuming that you know yourself, your hard rules and soft rules (these can change from person to person), have been to social events as a viewer, not a spectator, asked tons of questions from different people, read up on as much information as possible, joined online groups that align with your stage of growth/fetishes/questions etc.
BDSM stands for Bondage Domination Submission Sadism Masochism, so it should actually be BDSSM.
Fetishes are a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to a fixation to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, act, colour, scent. Something which arouses you that's not necessarily sexual.
Polyamory is a lifestyle defined by the belief that you can be in love or love more than one person at the same time with the knowledge of all those involved.
First Step as a Newbie. Get a Protector
A protector needs to be someone who is well versed in BDSM and needs to be able to accept the difficult job of sifting through all the creeps that will come knocking on your 'online' door.
- He/she should ideally be someone you don’t play* with
- He/she should be available to accompany you on coffee dates* with prospective play mates,
- He/she needs to be able to drop everything and help you if you phone for help and know you very well (medical/psychological needs/information) so that if you need emergency care they can provide the hospital with your medical aid number and personal details.
You literally need to trust this person with your life.
"Play" refers to BDSM play
"Coffee Dates" are usually the safe option to meet someone for the first time, in a public place that is familiar to you, over a cup of coffee or tea. No alcohol! You need stay vigilant.
Find Out If You Are Compatible
1. What are your expectations of a partner?
2. What behaviour by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
3. What behaviour by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
4. What are you looking for exactly?
5. What are your most important kinks and how often do you need them?
6. Do you enjoy vanilla sex?
7. What are the five most intense kinky things you've done and how did you provide after-care in those cases?
8. When have you pushed a partner too far and how did you deal with those times?
9. What are your thoughts on safe words?
10. What are your hard limits?
11. Have you experienced a partner's subdrop and how did you deal with it?
12. Have you made rules* for a sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little and what are some examples and how have you punished a sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little for breaking rules?
13. Have you read how-to books or taken classes on BDSM? Which ones?
VANILLA - means intimacy that doesn't include BDSM
AFTER-CARE - after BDSM play both partners need a time-out to compose themselves after a (hopefully) very sensual, intimate play session.
HARD-LIMITS - things you will NEVER do
SUB DROP - During play, all parties involved may feel an extreme high and then an extreme low.
RULES - Every relationship needs negotiated and agreed upon rules
Cover the Basics as Well
1. How old are you?
2. What are your height and build?
3. Are you married/separated/divorced/single?
4. Are you seeing anyone?
5. Are you polyamorous?
6. Do you have any children?
7. Are you employed and in what field?
8. Do you live alone?
9. Do you have pets?
10. How often and how much do you drink?
11. Do you smoke?
12. Do take any drugs?
13. Do you have any history with the law?
14. Do you own any firearms?
Never ever ever get involved in any form of BDSM play if under the influence of alcohol or drugs!!!
ALSO never ever ever play with someone else that is not in control of themselves, which includes emotionally and/or psychologically out-of-control.
So you have a protector, and someone sends you a message… Now what?
Ask your protector to check him/her out.
Things to look out for are:
- When a person includes their 'Relationship Status' on their profile –
If "Complicated" – why?
If "Married" – Does the spouse know about his/her lifestyle?
If nothing is mentioned – Are they hiding a relationship?
If "Single" – Make sure this is true
- Fetishes – Do they align with yours?
- Groups – Look at what groups they belong to. If you find piss play offensive and he/she belongs to a group called ‘Forced Piss Play with unknowing Subs’, this is a warning sign.
- Comments – Read what the person has written
- Status – If the person has changed their status too many times for comfort, this is a warning sign.
- Photos – If all the photos are of naked people in sexual poses, that’s probably what she/he wants from you.
It is also important to remember that someone’s profile is only a 2-dimensional introduction and the profile could be really old. Look to see when the last time the person was online.
Groups within BDSM Sites
If you want to learn by asking questions, joining a group that matches your fetishes is a great way to meet people online who can provide you with the answers you need.
It's also nice to know that there are thousands of people around the world that have the same kinks as you!
The Interview Process
OK great! So time for a check list -
- You have read through the person’s profile
- You and Him/Her have made the first contact via messaging via Fetlife
- You asked Him/Her to contact your protector and He/She did and now you want to take the next step.
Ask as many questions as possible and really get to know the person and let Him/Her get to know you.
Start online, and when you feel safe, move to email. Copy (CC) your protector in, so that he/she can keep a close eye on things.
Some examples of phrases to look out for that the person may say to you that should send off warning signals:
- “Call me Sir/Master/Daddy/Mistress etc” - To submit to someone and call them by their Status title is an honour they need to earn. It is the same as you having to earn to become someone's submissive/slave/pet/bottom/little*. This happens over time, after building trust, a deep connection and when you know you are safe.
- “I am the Dom/Domme, so I don’t have to answer that question” - No one is exempt from answering questions.
- “Genuine subs will just trust, so you don’t need to ask so many questions” - This is utter garbage. If someone is genuinely interested in building a safe, trustworthy relationship with you, then they would never say something like that.
- “My wife/husband knows I play, but she/he doesn’t want anything to do with it. She/he won’t give her/his permission, but it’s OK” - No, it is not OK. That's called cheating and yes, that is wrong.
DOM = The Male version of a Dominant
DOMME = The Female version of a Dominant
Some of the Most Important Information You Can Find Out is About the Person’s BDSM History
1. How did you meet your previous partners?
2. When did the relationship/s end?
3. How long did the relationship/s last?
4. Why did the relationship/s end?
5. Are you still friendly, if not why?
6. What did you love about that relationship/those relationships?
7. What about that relationship/those relationships didn't work for you?
8. What are the three most valuable things you learned from that relationship/those relationships?
9. What were the three hardest moments during that relationship/those relationships?
10. What were the three best moments from that relationship/those relationships?
11. How did you wish she/he was different?
12. How did she/he wish you were different?
13. What were your biggest mistakes of that relationship/those relationships?
14. Have you ever met another girl/guy without your partner knowing?
To Submit to Someone ...
Means to give over all of your trust and control to someone else that you need to trust with your life, that knows what they are doing, that knows your hard limits and soft limits and is VERY clear about what you have agreed to before the play session even starts.
SOFT-LIMITS - Play limitations that you MAY be willing to negotiate on with a specific person or under specific conditions.
Other Questions You Might Like to Ask
1. How long have you been involved in the D/s lifestyle and what led you to it in the first place?
2. Do you have or plan to have more than one sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little, on or offline?
3. What sort of relationship are you looking for? Online only, phone, real world, potential marriage/permanent partner?
4. How much time are you willing to devote to training a new sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little and how much of her/his time would you require in return. Would you have daily contact with your sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little?
5. Do you indulge in these pleasures with women/men in "real life?" If so, what precautions for health and safety are involved? What type of safety precautions do you feel are necessary for an online or phone relationship?
6. What sort of training/education have you had to be the Dominant member of this relationship? Have you had experience training a sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little who is new to D/s? What made you decide this was for you?
7. What are your basic philosophies with regards to D/s.
8. What are your rules, contracts, agreements, etc.? What do you require of your sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little and of yourself?
9. What sort of structured training do you prefer to use? What sorts of discipline/punishment do you have for infractions? What kinds of tasks do you assign your sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little to perform for you?
10. What are your deepest desires, pleasures, hopes for this relationship? What, in your opinion, does the Dom/Domme receive in return for his/her time, love and protective care over his/her sub/slave/bottom/submissive/little?
11. Do you have any references available that I might contact?
D/s stands for Dominant / submissive. BDSM etiquette usually includes referring to the Dominant with an upper case and the submissive with a lower case letter.
TRAINING - can include various practises depending on the relationship.
Positive Qualities of a Good Dom
1. Self-Control: A good Dom/Domme has extreme self-control and patience.
2. Your needs/wants/options matter: A good Dom/Domme isn’t all about Him/Herself
3. Care: A good Dom/Domme cares about your physical, emotional and mental well-being. He/she may show concern with regards to what you eat, that you get home safely and/or who your friends are.
4. After-care: A good Dom/Domme will take care of you after every play session without fail.
5. Communication: A good Dom/Domme will keep in touch with you, ask questions and take interest in you.
6. Compatibility: No relationship is perfect, but in a BDSM relationship compatibility is key. A good Dom/Domme will know if you are compatible with each other, but you need to know this too.
7. Safe words/phrases/signals: A good Dom/Domme will respect all safe words/phrases/signals and with time will understand your body language and will know when to stop play even before you do.
8. Honesty: A good Dom/Domme will be honest at all times and expect honesty at all times.
9. Humble: A good Dom/Domme knows He/She is not perfect and will make mistakes. What sets Him/Her aside is admitting those mistakes, apologising and learning from them.
10. Education: A good Dom/Domme forever seeks new things, new lessons and new tasks for His/Her sub. He/She wants to learn and grow and push their and your boundaries in a trusting safe environment.
Before you play you need to have agreed upon safe words/phrase and/or signal.
This is so that at any time during the play you can indicate if you want to play to slow down, speed up or stop completely.
Do You Know Enough About BDSM to Start a Relationship?view quiz statistics
- Always trust your instincts.
- Know yourself
- Buy a tazer and keep it with you at all times and know how to use it.
- Always have a safety plan. Imagine the worst case scenario and then plan for it.
- Be prepared to answer questions too. If you don’t know the answer, do research, so you can answer.
- Know your hard and soft limits*
- Do not think that you can change anyone to fit your needs.
- Do not change yourself for someone else's needs.
- Insist on a mutual STI (Sexually Transmitted Infections) test and provide documentation.
- Have fun and enjoy exploring your kinks and sexuality with someone who is healthy for you.
- Always remember to follow the rule of Safe, Sane and Consensual*
I wish you the best of luck!
Kinky and Proud!
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© 2017 Brigitte Sno