Being A Woman - By A Man
I don’t know much about women, and what follows will serve as factual evidence to that statement. Women are complicated creatures. Beautiful and baffling, they have the power to create and sustain life inside of them. I am quite sure that I could never be a woman. I suppose that technically I could, but it would not be pretty. I sure wouldn't date me. There is far too much work that goes into being a woman.
Disclaimer: I'm not going to go near the emotional state and mind of a woman because that would require to much thought, and I'm a man so....moving on.
From the top down:
Let’s start with the hair. Women love shiny hair and there are more than a few shampoos available to get the job done. Full body, wavy, extra control, clarifying, volumizing, there's a slew of verbiage to describe why some women look like they took a shower with a toaster oven. Then there are all sorts of glorious scents developed in labs: Spring Breeze, Mango Peach Washout, Lilac Mist.
As a guy, my biggest concern when choosing a shampoo is that I don’t want lice. I often short change my hair by washing it but not conditioning it…what a savage.
And then there’s always the perms. Are they still called perms? Highlights, frosting, tips, weaves, extensions, braids, clips, bands, bangs, curlers...Quick, somebody give me a hat!
Once you have the hair going, it's on to the eyebrows; plucking or waxing, and in some horrendous cases, drawing them on.Torturous to say the least. Perhaps this is why men just let nature run its course.
I won’t delve too much into makeup. I don’t really know all to much about that. (Although that didn't stop me from writing this). I've seen celebrities without it. Lipstick, mascara, blush, exfoliating creams, cucumbers. This is all a mystery. As a child, I would look at my mother's eyeash pullers and shudder with fear....I'll be good, I swear!
What about bras? If I were a woman I would go with a sports bra, no fumbling with those complicated hooks and clamps in the backseat of your parent’s—uh, no hooks and clamps. I can't imagine playing sports with those things, I'd have to break out the duct tape. See, I could't be a woman, I've already found two instances for duct tape. After a recent trip to WalMart, I noticed that some of us men need bras as well.
Manicures - Maybe once a week, when I’m getting out of the shower, I grab the nail clippers and hack away at my cuticles. Women can make a night out of this…. Cotton balls, nail polish, rubbing alcohol, in some cases press on nails, lotion. The only time I use lotion is in the dead of winter when my hands crack like old paint.
This leads us to underwear. I’m a boxer shorts type of dude. I usually buy a three pack maybe once a year to replace the ones that have worn thin or have holes in the crotch. My only criteria are that they don’t have a tag on the waistband that will scratch my backside all day and that they are on sale. They usually match the curtains of kitchen in almost any 80’s movie. What is the point of a thong? Too hide underwear lines, is that it? If men wore thongs they had better hope that they are not wearing white pants.
Okay, we’re now in delicate territory. I’ll skirt around the issue (Ha!). I mean every month stuff happens. Every month means a trip down that terrifying aisle at CVS. Moving on.
The whole squatting thing would get very old. Or would it? I would have a Reader’s Digest in my back pocket specifically for “pee breaks”. Little would get done.
Shaving. We all expect women to have nice smooth legs but have you seen what it takes to achieve this? At least once a day I bang my shin on something, combined with the bloodbaths of shaving my legs, a skirt would not be a viable option for this guy. (<---never thought I would type that statement). Men definitely get the better end of the bargain in the shaving department, and then there is the constant lotion. No man should ever complain about a woman taking over the bathroom. Look at all the stuff they must have!
Feet – Kind of like the hands, but then there's the shoes. Although some men are just as bad, having matching shoes for every occasion. But women have to walk on high heels. As much as I would love to be 6'7, walking in heels would only cause more battle scars to my legs.
Putting this all together I don’t think I will nag my wife about getting ready the next time we go out. It takes a lot to be a woman, time and effort that I am too lazy to expend. A double standard? Of course. Just look at Albert Einstein’s eyebrows…those things were practically providing shade.