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Being Single is The New Black!

Updated on January 31, 2010

Being Single doesn't mean, you're a dud!

"It must suck for you...being alone around Christmas?" This is a usual exchange between some friends and I during Christmas Season and every other special occasion, not to mention Valentine's Day!"No worries there mate! I finally asked Santa for a man" I said with my usual sarcastic glare.

I'm fine being free, available, single and disengaged.

Alright, alright I'll be honest. I was never always, truly fine being single when I was younger. Everyone telling you about this boy that fancies them, their new crush another date, new boyfriend and here was I single. The ultimate single friend. Every friend I have no matter what friendship group they're in knows that's me. It sucked, yes I know I can insert some more profound vocab here but it sucked....ass!

I've had 2 boyfriends, none of which were serious, so I never refer to them as actual boyfriends. I've had guys interested, really interested but stood my ground. I didn't know it then. I began thinking there was something wrong with me, that I was loser, not pretty enough, you know negative things in general. I've always been a bit of a chubber-I'm not humongous or anything but I'm not skinny-curvy/hourglass. I'm also very hard on myself so my self image came under blows towards the end of my teenage years.

University helped, I found myself...properly. I knew exactly who I was and was ready to run with it. I lost myself again towards the end. Long story short-I was betrayed by a very close friend who made me think something was wrong with me. I've now cut her out and am BETTER than ever and more importantly I now understand why it's good to be single.

Find Yourself First vs. Just Get A Man!
Find Yourself First vs. Just Get A Man!

Times have changed....

So making the choice to remain single and/or not have children has become more acceptable.

There are many reasons women choose to stay single...this is NOT that hub.

Once through the influence of friends I believed, I needed a boyfriend in order to be happy; to enjoy my youth. It is felt by many during teenage life that a boyfriend is a need and one's incapability to get one is rued. I wanted one so badly, it drived me crazy on an inward level, not during my teenage years but towards the end [19-21]. I argued with myself- it was get a man vs. sort yourself out first!

I want to find a man, fall in love, get married and have kids...all in good time.

I wish people would STOP behaving like I'm depriving myself. I'm doing what's right for me. So should every woman out there-especially the single ladies.

My choice to be single was a choice I made for me. So many people have said to me I need to date to maintain my social skills. Are you serious?! I don't need to have a man around to have good social skills. I need to be social! I have fun, I go out, do things I like, be around my friends etc. so my social skills haven't depleted. I can work on my chat up lines a bit more but it's not like I'm the only one in that boat.

I want to be totally sure of myself before I find a guy/fall in love. I will be no good in a relationship right now. I'd become needy; he'll have to remind me that I was beautiful and justify why he wanted to be with me. I'd hesitate in trusting him, get insanely insecure when we walk arm in arm and a woman, I find sexier/more appealing than me walks past.

The choice was made so I could focus on my life. I wanted to channel my energies into finding me before love. I believe that I need to complete myself; engaging in a relationship otherwise might lead me to think the man I'm with can complete me when I know better.

Even though I have found myself, I remain single because I need to compound what I've found. I'm fortifying my self esteem, working on becoming healthier, job hunting for that job that will carve out my career, writing a book, embarking on moving out my parent's home (again).

I want to become a strong, independent woman, capable of holding her own in any relationship. I'm not as nearly as strong or independent as I could be. Everyone has baggage but it's healthier to enter new relationships with as little as possible. So I'm cleaning out my closet as best I can. I've spent so many years beating up myself, I just want to live and love me.

I put a timeline on my path to love when I was younger. I'm not anymore. If it finds me I won't turn it away but I'm not looking for it right now.

All the Single Ladies, put your hands up!

If You Like it Put a Ring on It!

Beyonce sings a good game, but it's not like she's single, right.

For the younger single girls, don't worry, having a boyfriend does not define who you are. I wish I knew this years ago. Don't give in to peer pressure, I know it's hard but do your best to be resilient. Slower is often better. Be true to you, know who you are and own it! No one else will be able to do it for you...boyfriend, family, friends NO ONE. You're in charge of you and no one could make you feel inferior unless you let them.

For the single ladies out there like me on a mission for ourselves, keep your head up, never mind the haters (they make you stronger), love yourself honestly and those who love you in return. Never be afraid of being the utmost best you can be. I I know I owe it to myself. This is the one life I get, the one body I'm allowed, it's about time I do right by both.

Enjoy your freedom. Try something new. Pamper yourself. Read a good book. Even the little things can will make you enjoy yourself and being single.

The following is one of my favourite inspirational quotes, I hope it does for you what it does for me

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so? Marianne Williamson

We can be beautiful, talented, and fabulous. So let's be that!

A little indulgence now and then


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    • Sa Toya profile imageAUTHOR

      Sa Toya 

      8 years ago from England

      Powerful words there Diana...but I agree with you.

      I totally can't STAND the sex and the city bs myself. While I do want to find a guy/love eventually, I know I can do me and do it well. I know that I don't need to rely on one or society's need to pair us off.

      I know what you mean, so many woman feel they need a man to survive, and that is totally not true.

      I am focusing on me, on loving me on taking care of me and hey if I meet a guy along the lines well I may take up the offer but I'm not looking...most people my age that I know either are with someone or desperately seeking's always best to stand on one's own 2 feet always...

      I do get where you're coming from...while I don't hate men,some can be real d*ckheads sometimes.

      By the way, Cheers for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment, opinions are always welcomed :D it's good to know what others think especially the ladies.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      The part about people thinking you're depriving yourself -- 9 times out of 10 those women who feel they can't live without a man are the ones who will be abused, and I have no sympathy for them. They deserve it. I always give my honest opinion, and I've learned to not care if it offends anyone. I don't even precede with "Sorry if this offends" anymore, because I'm not. I stay single because I absolutely hate men. And no, I'm not a lesbian, because half the time I hate women and their little girl group sex and the city bs. But once I realized I can live my own life free of other people's insane liberalistic bs propaganda, especially men's, is when I started loving myself.

    • gramon1 profile image

      Guillermo Ramon 

      8 years ago from Miami

      The younger you are the more you feel that whatever it is has to be done now. You are right about waiting until you are ready. In fact, your 20s should be a time of exploration and learning. We are complex creatures. Therefore, we must take a long time to learn just who we are. The way i see it, getting it permanently with a partner before maturing, prevents our complete maturation.

      In these difficult times, I recommend completing a BS or BA, continuing for the masters, and then with the Ph. D. before settling. Intensive learning changes us, so imagine if you get a boyfriend right out of high school, and one of you continues all the way to the doctorate, while the other stays at the high school level. Within a few years you will be incompatible. This is just one scenary. You can insert your own.

      In the end, all I can say is form yourself fully and then get that permanent relationship.

    • Sa Toya profile imageAUTHOR

      Sa Toya 

      8 years ago from England

      Thanks guys :D

      @ladyjane I won't settle...ever! Though it was hard to do when I was younger, you feel left out, but not now...I know better. I know you did the right thing by waiting and letting yourself heal. And yes I'M ESPECIALLY GLAD 'CAUSE YOU CHEERED ME UP- women envying me ;)

      @myownworld I agree in the strength of a woman. Thanks again...I'll be staying strong! and the admiration bit made me blush!

    • myownworld profile image


      8 years ago from uk

      Great hub! 'I wanted to channel my energies into finding me before love.'

      yes...there is such power in women who can stand alone and yet be complete and content. I admire you for your convictions....very well written! stay strong...

    • ladyjane1 profile image


      8 years ago from Texas

      Hey Sa Toya I really enjoyed this hub and I can so relate to it as well. When I was divorced back in '97 I spent 4 years alone without a man just healing myself and I really loved it. I did remarry but I did spend quite a bit of time just lovin being single. Remember there is a lot of women out there who are really envying you right now. Don't settle for anything just because everyone else is married or attached, make sure they are worthy of thee. You Go. Nice writing.

    • Sa Toya profile imageAUTHOR

      Sa Toya 

      8 years ago from England

      Thanks Jen!

      I like that we're on the same page/are similar, makes me love ya just a little bit more.

      I agree University is a BIG help in the self discovery department. I also think focusing on ourselves first will bring us closer to 'that' guy or the one or the one for now.

      If that even makes sense.

    • jenblacksheep profile image


      8 years ago from England

      I know exactly what you're talking about. I do have a boyfriend but he's my first proper relationship. I had to 'find myself' first. University worked wonders for me. Actually I think just turning 18 helped me a lot. When I started going to clubs and realising that some guys did find me attractive. All of this built my confidence, which is really what I needed.

      In my first 'relationship' (six weeks) we were both needy and dependent and just generally kinda messed up, which was just a recipe for disaster. I was only 17 then, so it was really before my 'self-discovery.' As cliched as it sounds I would definitely advocate not going out looking for love. Don't necessarily dismiss guys that are interested in you, but just let it happen naturally.

      Great hub, could have been written about me!!


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