Cast Your Fears Away and Love Again

I have been reminded many times that putting your trust in something or someone that is untrustworthy is foolish. Vulnerability is an awesome thing when it is valued, but trust blindly given carries with it the risk of being often misused. That doesn't mean that we should guard our hearts like Fort Knox, so that we are impenetrable. We have to take risks as a part of living, but we can reduce the damage control often by how we choose those around us. I have an uncanny habit of making myself vulnerable before others do. t. I wander off, looking for excitement, adventure, a virtual "higher ground", when I have already been given everything I need for life.

This poem is the recounting of some of my not-so-successful mishaps, and the painful return to the peaceful place of trust. Putting your trust in things or people (who do not have the ability to bring the happiness and joy we seek in life) since they offer companionship along the road is necessary. Every once in a while, though, the reminders emerge of just how fickle infallible mankind can be. Having known the joy and peace of God in my life, I have been spoiled for anything less, yet often I still am hurt by those I love.

I have taken a number of side trips throughout my life that have been complete dead ends. I may have fooled myself into thinking they were highways to rich and famous lifestyles, however, when I reached the top, standing at the crest of the wave, I, like Frank Sinatra, lamented, "Is That All There Is?" I have gone the way of over-achieving, over-performing and people pleasing at the expense of my own soul. As I mature, however, I am hopefully less prone to the potholes I once fell in to belong.

Cheap temporary substitutes are the best this world can offer, but rarely satisfying for any significant length of time. No amount of shopping, eating, drinking, drugging or popularity filles the empy aching holes in our hearts that were created for God Himself to fill. Until we find Him, there is a never-ending search for more, bigger, best. People sell their souls everyday, compromising their integrity and morals for the almighty dollar, only to discover the hole in their hearts are not filled. More is required. Always.

It is said that the soul is never at rest until it finds its rest in God. I personally know that to be true, having spent a lifetime pursuing "exciting" and promising careers and relationships that led to frustration. It finally became obvious, I love people, not paperwork, deadlines and such. Now that I have discovered that, my life is so much better. For people and relationships am still willing to take risks, for corporate profit, not so much!

When I write, I feel, rather than produce. I don't compromise my beliefs to please others, because it's impossible. I don't know who my audience is unless they comment, and the distance, although sometimes more than I desire, retains a sense of dignity and authenticity. I don't care who doesn't agree, or like what I write, and I can give others space to express their thoughts as an outlet.

I am not a type A, and I don't try to be. No offense, but the type A's I know have been shallow and slightly (sometimes grossly) lacking feeling. In my experience, they are not all necessarily bad, but some will tell you anything to get what they want. If I express my thoughts, to them, they are soon overriding mine with their superiority. I am sure there are exceptions. You can't push me to be something I am not. My soul lives in Psalm 91 repose. It is my safe place.

While the world runs frantically by, I choose enjoy a simple life in contrast to the past. I have decided to work to keep it that way. My goal is to live life fully and enjoy every moment with the people that have been placed in my path. In God I trust, regardless of what I hear and see around me. Unlike my family, gives me more than I can handle so that I can trust Him when I can't. When I ask for help in prayer, the answers come, simply yet profoundly in the order I need them. No Other source will do!

When I am in that place, I do not fear or feel anxious, and I am free to listen, to dialogue, and to express my vulnerability, even when I fearful of other's interpretation. I do not have to hurry or force others to accept my beliefs, I only need to take time and experience the excitement of new relationships and dimensions that seem to spur me creatively.

In these days, my world is quickly expanding, new friendships are being built, I am once again being braver, and more daring, and overcoming my fears of closeness with others. I am not afraid of the things I learned to be, and of the people who appear to be different. I embrace more and love deeper than I ever thought I could. I still take risks and am occasionally disappointed, but I don't take it personally. I make room for healing as I extend my heart and even when I do so with trepidation, reduce the age barriers and transcend taboos cultivated in my family of origin. Oh to live again is a glorious thing! Won't you join me on this journey?

Once I had a willing heart,

Given totally to Thee.

Then in time, I took it back,

The choice was up to me.

I used to confess all my sin,

And labored everyday.

To seek your will for my whole life.

To worship and to pray.

But then I brought an idol in,

Didn't think it would take Your place.

I cherished and looked up to it,

It only served to bring disgrace.

I didn't intend to turn away,

I wanted both, You see.

But now there's just an empty space,

The idol's no longer with me.

I'm thankful that it's gone now Lord,

I found my way right back to You.

It couldn't save me from distress,

It only blocked my view of You.

Now I want to see You only Lord,

In everything I do.

And grateful You restore me Lord,

To follow what is True.