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- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
Beware of The "Nice Guy" Who Isn't Very Nice
Craig is a counselor. He is a nice guy who helps people professionally and who is well respected among his peers. Craig is also a good father and an excellent provider. He attends church most Sundays with his wife and children. Most people who know Craig describe him as "a really good guy." He sees himself that way, and in many areas of his life this "good guy" label is true---to a degree. However, Craig lacks empathy despite the fact that he is a "good" counselor. The thing is, Craig has a deep distrust of people--especially women. Furthermore, he believes that "people get what they deserve."
At home, if Craig's wife crosses him, he will not just "let it go." He feels it is his duty to have "discussions" with his wife about her "unacceptable" behavior. Afterward, Craig's wife isn't sure why she feels bad or guilty for not having done anything wrong. She knows that Craig views women as either ladies or whores and that Craig has strong misogynist tendencies, but after all, he's a good provider and father. What else can a woman ask for? Nevertheless, Craig's wife knows that she can't discuss her feelings of frustration with her husband because to do so would risk his becoming angry with her.
- The famous Greek philosopher, Aristotle, stated that "a woman is perhaps an inferior being," that women are basically incomplete males and are thus are "a deformity."
- L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, a philosophy which has captured the attention of some Hollywood stars, also stated that "a society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of a future generation, is a society that is on its way out."
- Friedrich Nietzche, German philosopher and the darling of Marxists, stated that women must be controlled: "Women are less than shallow." "Are you going to women?" "Don't forget the whip."
Craig's hatred of hatred of women manifests itself through the belittling of women, sexual objectification of women, and prejudice against women. The nice guy as misogynist isn't talked about much. After all, the nice guy performs good works; he is stable; he cherishes his children, and he isn't foul-mouthed. However, he sees many women as fat, lazy, and ugly. He believes some of his patients are "disgusting" but because he is a professional and a "gentleman," he keeps his opinions hidden.
Conveniently for Craig, his inner contempt goes largely unnoticed by most observers...but those who know him better see glimpses of another, darker side. Craig has a strong sense of entitlement, especially where women are concerned. He must be taken care of by his woman, as his mother took care of him. He doesn't like it when his wife stands her ground. Not at all. He is highly annoyed by her failure to meet his needs, and he knows exactly what to do to teach her to "be reasonable." In time, his wife will come to resent him, but because he is a "good" husband and father, she finds reasons to stay, at least---for now. But inside, in her gut, Craig's wife wonders...."Is my husband a good man?
Craig's wife has asked herself a very good question--one that will ultimately lead her to the truth... the truth that her husband does not respect her emotions or anyone else's.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Belief that you're special and more important than others
- Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness
- Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings
- Exaggeration of achievements or talents
- Expectation of constant praise and admiration
- Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others
- Envy of others or belief that others envy you
Your Feelings are "Off Limits"
For example, lets say Craig's wife comes home from a stressful day at work. She has had a disagreement with her boss; she feels angry and upset. She needs to vent. Unfortunately for her, Craig hates any kind of "complaining" or conflict in his home life. He does not want to hear about his wife's bad day, nor does he like it when she shows her anger about any given situation. He wants his wife to play nice, and to conduct herself in a mature manner. The problem is, he married a reasonable woman with normal feelings. Nevertheless, he puts her in her place... in a "thoughtful" way. He tells her she's "escalating" in response to the pitch of her voice having gone up a few notches.
Craig is apparently unable or unwilling to respect his wife as a true partner. In time, his wife will be forced to concede that Craig is not as nice as he pretends to be and that if this pattern of dismissing her feelings continues, she may have to leave, or suffer immeasurable damage to her self-esteem. Craig believes that women should be sweet and sexy. He is angered by women who do not fit his image of how females are supposed to act and look.
Craig's wife begins to feel greater frustration; she begins questioning herself. "Is it wrong to feel anger over an injustice?" She wonders, but then Craig goes in for the kill. "Alright, so you've figured out your boss is a jerk. What are you going to do about it? Don't you know that life is about relationships?" And after all, you chose that profession." His wife suddenly feels confused and even angrier than she did before she first walked in the door. She isn't quite sure what just happened. She feels compelled to defend her anger, her frustration, and her career choice, even though all she wanted to do is vent for a little while.
She thinks to herself, "Do I take his advice to "be calm" or do I say something which might "rock the boat?" "After all, he's a good husband; he's just trying to be helpful. He knows about these things--he's a counselor, for heavens sakes. Why do I feel so upset and anxious whenever I feel the need to vent? It's not like I complain every day. Oh, why doesn't he just listen?"
Three Components of Liars
Attempted Behavioral Control
Motivated liars are easier to detect than unmotivated liars.
Liars generally tend to limit their body movements.
High stake liars are easier to detect than low stake liars. (What's in it for them?)
Liars tend to tell their stories in strict chronological order.
Liars do not always avert their gaze. They can maintain prolonged eye contact. However gaze influences are determined by culture.
Liars have a strong link between speech content and emotions, i.e.; narrowing of the lips, though they deny being angry.
Liars forget central elements of their previous story.
Both speech content and non-verbal behavior will fluctuate when someone lies.
Liars feel challenged when asked to elaborate on what they just have said.
A Further Review
- He has inner contempt for those he views as "less than" he is, even if he happens to work in a "helping" profession.
- He always looks out for his own interests, first and foremost.
- Notice that quick flash of anger in his eyes, despite his positive and "kind" words when you question him.
- He will shake his head no (slightly), sometimes even as he says "Yes."
- If single, he is well prepared on dates. He may give you sweet little gifts. He will ask thoughtful questions. He will make you feel as though you are the most interesting person in the world, even if you bore him to tears.
- He is condescending.
- He lacks emotional integrity; he is not opposed to lying if it suits his purpose.
- He will either question your judgment if you question his, or he will dismiss your feelings as lacking in good judgment. He does this in a "reasonable" way, of course.
- He never forgets a perceived wrong done to him---ever.
- He can and will take care of his immediate family, i.e.; his wife and children, because it serves his interests, but he will not help a "friend," or most other family members. His motto is: "They made their bed and they can lie in it."
- He is a poor listener.
- He despises feminists. In his eyes, all feminist are loud mouthed, ugly, "man-haters."
In the Workplace
Craig is highly devious and he knows it, but obviously, he isn't about to let others in on his secret. If you stay on his good side, you won't have any problems. If you don't, well, that's another story. Craig has a very long memory. If someone else doesn't have enough smarts to see through him, then as far as he is concerned, it's not his problem. You see, Craig has had a few people fired from their jobs. All he had to do was give them enough rope to hang themselves, and then he quietly yanks the rope. And when his former colleague is "let go," you can be sure that Craig will be right there to pat his colleague on the back, shake his head over this "injustice," and bemoan how this could have happened to a "true friend."
That being said, we need not look for liars under every bush and tree. Rather, we should expand our knowledge about dangerous people by becoming more alert to the signals that disingenuous people display. In fact, even those who are practiced at detecting lies, such as law enforcement officers, are not necessarily "spot-on" detectors. According to researchers, (see link in table) lie detecting is a skill that some people have the ability to develop over many years. Researchers have also found that people who tend to look for lies nearly always believe people are lying even when they are not. But those who tend to assume that people are truthful, in general, may be more inclined to believe the liar.
Have You Ever Dated a Nice Guy Who Isn't Very Nice?
What's In It For Me?
The man who pretends to be nice will always look at what's in it for him. Another clue about this personality type is that he has difficulty maintaining close friendships, primarily because he has a low tolerance for frustration. Finally, If he hurts someone's feelings, he does not necessarily feel guilt.
Ted Bundy was the ultimate example of the guy who pretends to be nice, even though he was a serial killer. At one point, he worked as a hotline suicide counselor who was very good at his job. Nevertheless, he was a sociopath and a psychopath. According to Duane L. Dobbert, in Understanding Personality Disorders: "Such people—frequently identified as "sociopaths" ... are often outwardly charming, even charismatic; but beneath the facade there is little true personality or genuine insight. It's like...a storefront that's attractive and lures you in, But inside...the merchandise is sparse."
Now that you've learned some things about deceptive personalities, see if you can detect the multiple lies that Ted Bundy stated in his final interview before his execution:
Listen To Your Gut
My intent is not to put the fear of men into the hearts of women. Most men are not sociopaths or psychopaths. However, if you find yourself entangled with a man who "acts nice" even though your gut tells you he isn't, then you'd best pay attention. The way to do that is to detect a pattern of lying, not to mention a pattern of using emotionally manipulative tactics to confuse you. It is important to look at the whole picture.
Most women will never meet a psychopath, but you may run into a man who dislikes women. Just know that both good men (and women) are out there. The sooner you learn how to detect the good guy from the guy who only pretends to be caring, the better your chances are for finding love that is meaningful. If you can recognize the characteristics and behavior patterns of the manipulator, you'll have a much better chance at avoiding heartbreak, if not outright danger.