- Gender and Relationships»
Child Birth Order Affects Marriage Success
Birth Order Books
Ben Franklin Advice
Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwords.
......................By Benjamin Franklin
Birth Order Effects
Did you know that birth order can affect your chances of having a successful marriage? There are particular birth order traits worth exploring. If you are the first born child in your family it may not be a good match for you to marry another first born child. As the old saying goes, you can choose your friends (and who you marry), but you can’t choose your family. You certainly can't choose your birth order.
There is a wealth of information about personalities versus birth order. The most successful marriages are between the oldest sisters of brothers marrying the youngest brother of sisters. This makes a lot of sense when you think about it. The oldest sister has always taken care of her brothers and the youngest brother has been taken care of by his sisters. It seems to me that the sister gets the short end of the stick but I guess it works for her.
Of course, I never considered this concept. My husband and I are both firstborns. Psychologists say that this combination is like “two sheep butting heads for territorial rights and that it is a bad match.” Kevin Leman, a family counselor and author of “The Birth Order Book” states that the two oldest tend to be bossy and they are the movers and shakers, the perfectionists of the world. This certainly can cause a stress effect in the marriage. I’m sure that is not me! I think I may have had a few of those attitudes when I was younger, but I’m not too interested in moving and shaking the world around me anymore. I think in my particular case it would have been a bad match if my husband and I had married young. However we are both remarried and have the same value system with good communication which goes a long way toward compatibility.
The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman
Books on Birth Order
Babies of Family or Only Child
The babies in the family tend to be the playful ones who
always got away with murder. According
to Leman, they are often laid back and manipulative. He is the last one to leave so the parents
tend to create a dependency (with those traits spilling over into their marriage)
as the parents are entering the empty nest syndrome. This certainly doesn't benefit the youngest child.
If you are an only child, then what do you do? Don’t marry another only child as they have highest divorce rate. They are use to being the center of attention and that can’t happen if they marry another only child. In general they do well in life as they matured more quickly without siblings.
Oldest Child - the Guinea Pigs
Basically our parents practiced on the first born or the only child as they were the guinea pigs, as the parents were new at child rearing. When there is dysfunction in the home the oldest typically takes the biggest hit as they are the closest emotionally to any of the dysfunction in the family, so there is a lot of subjective consideration in this train of thought. Nothing is just black and white.
I always said I grew up with my oldest son, since I was only 19 when he was born after one year of marriage.
According to studies the best chance for a lasting marriage are for those that come from the middle of the pack. The middle child often struggles with identity issues, as they can’t be the first or the last. They often are the peacekeepers, and they kind of fade into the woodwork when there are a lot of siblings. In terms of marriage, they often get along well as they can let things roll off their back more easily. You are strengthening the probable success of a marriage when you marry the middle child. If two middle children marry they can usually roll with the flow but sometimes they are secretive about how they really feel, which can cause problems.
Why Women Live Longer
By Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Sometimes problems come up later in life, for instance the older sister may seek more equality in the marriage. Birth order certainly is not a deal breaker before marriage, but it is worth discussing before marriage. A marriage counselor can be very helpful if you aren't making progress on your own.
The birth order is something to think about and you probably fit into one of those roles I briefly described. There are certainly a lot of one parent homes, a lot of dysfunctional homes, illness with parents or children, which are all factors that can affect the generalization for the average family. My personal philosophy is to have good open communication, as you need to be friends. Lust may only last a few months and hopefully will move into a deeper loving relationship. but friendship can strengthen a marriage to last a long time.
The copyright to this article is owned by Pamela Oglesby. Permission to republish this article in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.