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Bitter Sweet Day of Autumn
Today I awoke to the first day of fall, my favorite time of year, however this year it‘s bitter sweet. It’s a beautiful overcast morning with a slight chill in the air. I love this season, when the morning air is crisp and cool, makes you appreciate the warmth of a cozy, soft bed. I snuggle under my feather, down comforter and wrap my legs around the outside of it as I breathe in deeply the fresh air drifting in from the open door. My room dimly lit by the grey light peering in through the windows brings with it a solemn ambience which takes hold of my consciousness.
I look forward to making cute and scary costumes, an oxymoron I know but have you tried to turn two adorable, little girls into scary creatures? I look forward to trying to keep the pace of excited little feet during the race for candy as we trick or treat, turning pumpkins into jack o lanterns, the beautiful coalition of reds, oranges and yellows that become God’s canvas of watercolors. It also warms the heart when gathering with family and friends around a table to give Thanks.
I'm so fond of this season that I named my first child Autum. I purposely left off the silent n to distinguish her name from the season and she has been anything but silent since. Seemed appropriate, naming her Autum, seeing as she was born in October and she was a brilliant, cool, breeze that blew a new found love into my life. Most certainly a gift from God. She was my reward for being faithful and obedient. She was the soothsayer of my broken heart, my reward for trying so hard to forgive the provider of an unbearable pain, that had brought me to that point of my life. Curious how blessings come in the midst of trouble and pain. That is what she was a blessing in my storm.
My youngest child was God’s promise to me that although the road ahead would not be easy, I would always have these blessings of beauty in life to cling to. My little, wild, child, full of energy and life, would be a constant reminder to live life to it’s fullest, treasure everyday and seek new ways to extend my imagination and creativity beyond my own hands. My children are who I am, my precious gifts, my reason to love and my strength to forgive. By their births, a creation of desire for me to be the person God would have me to be, so that I may be a fraction of the blessing to them, that they have brought to my life. Although at times I fail, my human character holds its own flaws, I strive to be that blessing for them.
However on this first day of fall, there is a sadness that hangs all around me, just as the smoky white clouds hang low in the sky on this cool morning. The single most horrible thing about facing divorce for me, is having to share my children. They are my everything and when they are away, I feel completely lost and lonely. For the past thirteen years, I have been caring for my children's needs 24/7. Being the one to wake them, feed them, clothe them, teach them outside of school, play with them, kiss and doctor boo boos and put them to bed with prayers every night. Being a stay at home mom is all I have known for years. That has been disrupted by an upcoming divorce. My life, everything I have done and who I have been, changes every time their father picks them up. I begin to question who am I today if my children are not here? Then try to rediscover the answer to that question in just four days a month. Soul searching, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up, what do I stand for, who shall I be when my motherly duties are put on hold during their absence?
Meanwhile I have become, Mom Interrupted, while I wait for their return home and look forward to the Autumn days ahead of us and the new adventures we will share together.