- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Blaming our Ex for Everything
Blaming our Ex for Everything
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
It is indeed convenient to blame most of our troubles on our ex-partners. When they leave everything turns to shit, therefore it is their fault. When my wife of 25 years decided to be single again, her mum told me nonchalantly ‘every relationship has a use-by date’ and at the time I thought it a cop-out. My idea was that if relationships have problems you work on it, communicate and sort it our; after twenty-five years together I felt it was worth at least that. My wife however, with her own reasoning, saw it differently.
With time passed I now believe that my M.I.L was right. Relationships can run out of relevance and need to end for the benefit of both parties. As much as I hated it at the time, our parting was incredibly worthwhile to me personally and since has been a steep learning curve and I have grown immeasurably. Hindsight is a wonderful commodity, if only we could see the truth at the time of our exploding lives.
What we tend to do is blame out Ex for everything, even the weather. It is far easier to find fault once they have betrayed us and we do it incessantly. The broader view, which I might add is inaccessible at the time, sees our part in this debacle as an equal contribution to the failure and end of life as we know it. Not easy to see, and in time if we are open enough, we may visit this introspection with a positive outcome; but that’s a hypothetical.
The reality is that relationships are made up of two individual folk with different perspectives, needs, ambitions and attitudes. It’s hard to find a compatible person firstly, let alone uphold all the important aspects of being happy together. The reality is people grow apart, and if they are not aware of it and don’t put energy and focus on maintaining the relationship all will far apart, eventually. I’m amazed we are all so surprised when it does, considering the little we do in addressing the changes and growth of our partnerships. Everything flows along, and with all the havoc of day-to-day living, we forget to feed the most important aspects of our lives.
Blame in any form is a misnomer. All of us are responsible for our own lives and no-one else. We are always a contributing fact of what happens to us, and blaming someone else for that is ridiculous. What it is, and simply is- a result of balance caused by actions, attitudes and wants. Blaming any particular aspect as a cause isn’t any help. Albert Einstein said once ‘if you can’t explain something simply, you don’t know it well enough.’ Relationships are complex and blaming means we need a lot more understanding.
Dealing with the emotionality of break-ups is by far the greatest difficulty, but when in time the emotions settle and the dust clears, a far different perspective will be gained. This more balanced and insightful understanding will deliver options and blessing unseen before. In other words, life will find you again and you will open like a flower to possibility.
Yes, circumstances change and particularly with kids there can be continuing difficulties, but in the end we can find lasting happiness and peace as a new chapter of life opens. Blaming is counterproductive and sharing responsibility is always the right direction in dealing with the fallout. Kids should always come first and regardless of the reasons for the breakup, being agreeable and on good terms creates a valuable harmony.