- Gender and Relationships
Boy Those Lesbians Sure Have It All, Don’t They?
So I’m watching a lesbian get her child out of the car seat. Now before you begin to wonder how I knew she was a lesbian, she had arms the size of my waist (heavily tattooed) but more telling was the rainbow bumper sticker on the back of the vehicle. Not a rainbow like the kind that has a unicorn running through it or Mork’s suspenders but the rainbow (that frankly I abhor) you know the one I’m talking about, the stereotypical symbol that someone came up with for supposedly representing all gays (not me). It says Judy Garland, “Over The Rainbow “ and gays come in all different colors like The Wiggles or a Benetton ad all with the swoosh of Roy G. Biv (as I was taught in grammar school to remember the colors of the rainbow, it’s an acronym to help you remember the colors of the rainbow – Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet) at any rate I knew the woman was a lesbian (and I’m sure she knew it too). But as I watched the dyke (and I mean that in the most loving way) get her tike out of the Jeep, I couldn’t help but be a little bit jealous. Boy those lesbians sure have it all, don’t they? – Don’t Get Me Started!
First let me say to anyone who says that gays aren’t made chemically in the womb they need to take a look at an effeminate man (yes, I include myself) and then a butch lesbian. If God didn’t intend us to be this way he would have given us each other’s bodies (and not in the Biblical sense). Sure there are girly lesbians and butch gay boys (well, until they open their mouths and you’re suddenly worried that the lisp isn’t a lisp at all but their bicep leaking). But I can’t help but be jealous of the lesbians who have those boyishly muscular bodies that I always thought would just come on its own to me in the middle of the night. I guess I imagined it like Toby McGuire the morning after being bitten by the atomic spider in Spiderman. You know, his arms start to bulk up, his waist tighten and even when he’s not in his big built up scenes at least he has a swimmer’s build. Well, try as I might to find a spider like that I’ve yet to find one so alas, I’ve been stuck with the body that I crafted by not going to the gym as much as I should if I was really serious about it. Meanwhile, the lesbians are either blessed with those broad shoulders or a gym chromosome that makes them actually want to and like working out. Ugh.
Lesbians can have kids…well, easier. I mean, they have the equipment so all they have to do is find some sperm lying around and BINGO! They’re pregnant. We gays don’t have it nearly as easy and for those who say that we’ve got it made because we can’t get one another pregnant or carry a baby, trust me, there’s a flip side to that and for any gay with guilt, I can tell you sometimes you just think your sperm is wasted ending up on sheets that need to be washed or on the ceiling or walls. The point is that if I could get maternity leave, I’d have a baby tomorrow.
For some reason, the white men who run this country (thank God, the times they are a-changing with regards to this) but there’s still a huge industry (and millions of teenage, college and grown boys) who think two women together is hot and two guys together are not. How hot? Hot enough that they fantasize about it and while I’m sure there are five women out there who might possibly fantasize about two men together (albeit servicing the woman not each other) the fact remains that most straight guys get the heebie jeebies when imagining two guys together but two women are somehow easier to accept for them. Though I’m sure if they ever got two women in their bed they’d have no clue how to handle any of the proceedings.
Now before you lesbians get all mad at me, just put your protein shake down for a moment and think about it. You know in your heart of hearts that what I’m saying is true. While you have cool role models like Melissa Etheridge and Rosie O’Donnell we’ve got Lance Bass. Need I say any more? There’s a large part of me that is really happy for you but give a gay a break, sometimes just sometimes when I see you coming out of your Jeeps with your kids can’t I be a little jealous? Boy those lesbians sure have it all, don’t they? – Don’t Get Me Started!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com