How to Break Up With Your Boyfriend So He Doesn't Stalk You
Most women don't really have that many problems breaking up with their boyfriend when that time rolls around, so a "how to" guide on the subject might seem somewhat superfluous.
The average woman just stops returning her man's calls or gives him the inevitable "let's be friends" speech. But this isn't a how to guide for the boyfriend break-up for the average woman. And this isn't a how to guide for the average break-up. This is a how to guide for that boyfriend who deserves the equivalent of a mental stamp on his psyche.
These are break-up techniques for the woman who wants to make sure that special guy never forgets her. Maybe he cheated on you. Maybe he's just a real slime bag. Whatever the reason, these methods will make sure that he never forgets that you're the one that dumped him.
What's your preferred method of breaking up with a guy?
Carrier pigeon - I love this method because no guy expects a pigeon to show up at his window with a little note tied to its leg telling him that's he's dumped. And pigeons are usually creatures that either annoy the hell out of you or poop on you when you're not looking. They're the perfect animal to deliver a dumping.
Singing telegram - The key to the singing telegram is delivering it at the right time. If the guy you're dumping is at home, by himself, then the singing telegram doesn't have the same impact as, say, delivering it during his 30th birthday party where all his friends and family have gathered or during the funeral of his grandmother. It's even better if you write a good song to go with your singing telegram. In addition to the song is the genre. You can do reggae, rock and roll, country - whatever you want. Remember, the more cheery the genre, the more significant the impact. Country is an obvious one, but try Broadway or something like that to deliver a real punch. Finally, the quality of the singer can also have a great impact. A great singer delivering a really bad song is always good. Then again, a really bad singer delivering a good song can be just as good.
Poem - A poem is always a good way to end a relationship. However, you want to be careful that you don't lessen the impact of your break-up with a poem so bad that the guy just wants to laugh at you. And if he realizes what an incredibly bad poet you are, he might not really regret that he doesn't get to see you again. However, if you create a poem that describes what you think of the relationship and do it well, then you can really go out with pizzazz. Here's an example:
It was a Friday night in the local bar/To meet you, I didn't have to go far/When we first met, I thought you were cute/But then the rot of your personality took root/Little did I know you were as smart as a chimp/and when it came to conflict, a complete wimp/But I hung around thinking it would get better/then the clouds rolled over and it only got wetter/The sex was so bad it made me vomit/I would have rather drank Comet/I'm so glad to be out of this thing/Here's your ring/Loser.
Facebook - First thing you do is make sure you friend all his friends and then announce what a complete loser he is via Facebook and then unfriend all those friends right after. You'll be like a social media tsunami.
Texting - Texting isn't exactly original, but it's pretty brutal as break-up strategies go. The shorter the text, the better. Here are some examples: "Donew/u", "werfinished", "looking4another", and "ne1butu" are all pretty good. You can also be direct and just text a simple message like "you suck" or "we're done". Then you change your phone number or block all incoming texts. You can also create an auto-respond for the guy you're dumping so when he texts you back to try to get the last word, your phone and/or email just auto responds, kind of like when you're on vacation. So:
"Thanks for emailing/texting Jenny. Unfortunately, this number/email is no longer recognized by this user as important or useful. If you continue to text/email this user, you will continue to receive this auto-response because you're just the type of person who deserves an auto-response and if you had listened to Jenny and responded to her needs in the first place, you would not now be getting an auto-response."
Dear John letter - Dear John letters are kind of a classic. A Dear John letter basically refers to any letter left for a guy informing him that he's being dumped. However, there are many ways to leave a Dear John letter. Inside a birthday card, for instance. If you want to be nice, you can buy a sympathy card and do it that way, but a birthday card is more fun because then the Dear John letter is much more unexpected. Also, a Dear John letter needs some thought and some style. If you're going to bother to leave a Dear John letter, you should probably be a good writer so that it has some impact. Here's an example:
You remember when I said I loved you? Well, I was lying. You just looked so pathetic there like somebody had kicked your teddy bear out into the street. Remember when I said I thought we'd be together forever? Well, if you haven't figured out already based on the last few sentences, I wasn't exactly being truthful either. If it helps at all, I think you're a great guy for a girl with really low self-esteem who'd go out with a transient with a lisp because she's so desperate for company. You would really make her day. There are a lot of those types of women out there who would be thrilled to see you at their door. Go for it!
Church choir - This is like the mother of all singing telegrams and requires a lot of pre-planning. Also, it's good if you know the members of your church choir or are actually in the church choir. If you can fit in a lyric about Jesus being in favor or your break-up, that really ups the ante.
Sexy video - The sexy video achieves its impact by creating the expectation of one thing and delivering exactly the opposite. Ultimately, the point is to show the guy what he'll no longer be getting. Then again, it also potentially gives him something to keep and potentially put on Youtube or something, so it's got to be somewhat reserved and/or clever. Personally, I like to make mine like one of those sex education videos where there's no actual nudity or anything. You're delivering a speech in some lingerie and then suddenly some hunk enters from stage left and you say something like: "well, gotta go. Have a good life." It's good to have a few male friends who are hunks for just this occasion.
Note on the pillow - Men are notorious for not being there when we wake up in the morning. Turn the tables with this version of the Dear John letter. You can be clever and leave a little note like "that was the last time" or include more explanation. Look, ladies, you know when it's over. Most of us drag things out trying to save the relationship. Wouldn't we all be so much better off if we cut the cord when we first realized things were going badly? Go out with style.
Jumbotron Ad during Sporting Event - Of all the ways to dump a boyfriend, this might be the ultimate. Sure, it's expensive, but it's a beautiful way to turn the tables on him for all those times you asked him to help clean dishes or go look at a place setting or help you with something and his response was "There's a game on." Take him to his favorite sporting event. The bigger, the better. So, like a football game really works because something like 70,000 people are going to get to witness his humiliation. Then you get up and go to the bathroom about the time your ad is going to appear and head for the parking lot. Then your ex looks up and playing on the jumbotron in huge letters is something like "I'm dumping you John Smith in Section 342, Row 5, Seat 12 because you are a Chowderhead." You know the stadium camera man is going to get a shot of John because that's what they do in situations like these. Suddenly, he's up on the jumbotron looking like the biggest tool in the world. If the game is being televised nationally, then you've hit the jackpot.