Your Guardian Angel
I remember the first day meeting you, as if it was just last week. I had a normal day of entering the realm of strangers who all came to chat and escape reality. My character stood in the forest, wearing a zip up sleeveless vest with light blue kaprees, with strings of a white bikini falling out the sides and a slight glimpse of a white top to go with the bikini bottoms. She jumped on a tree that had fallen over a ditch with a small lake streaming through it. Here she was, youthful and curious about the world when he suddenly walked up to her. Was it love at first sight for our characters as it was for us? We came to introduce each other, "Kaname" "Lancet." Such cute names together, maybe we could be friends? Sure...
Hunted. I was being hunted, I was the prey. You saved me, and your mother helped. I remember rushing to my home. We fixed up the cuts and bruises any of us had gotten since running away from the hunter. Everything seemed to go by so fast. I remember talking, Kaname and Lancet alone. But we weren't, there was a kid and his little robot. The robot pushed you. Or was it me? It doesn't matter, the imagination of the kiss was magical, I could almost feel it. It didn't happen just once, but it seemed we really didn't mind that. After our characters got to know each other just a little more, you and I started to talk out of our characters' world.
"Here, add me..." My heart leaped! Were you interested as I was? I liked seeing the face behind the character, learning the back story of what made your character the way you wanted it to be. Maybe my memory of it wasn't as if it happened last week, let's say a month? I remember us talking. I learned your name. Ian. It was beautiful to say, it danced and tingled my lips. Do you remember talking on the phone? I liked the way your voice sounded, my imagination was creating your face for me. I remember the pictures you showed me. You were beautiful, it seemed like I was in a dream and I never wanted to wake up. Your eyes were unbelievable. And your hair just made your face that much more angelic. I thought my looks would never satisfy you as yours did mine. You seemed almost unreal, I needed proof you were really him. So I sent you a necklace...and you got it. Nothing can describe how I felt, that I had a beautiful angel like you, interested in me.
I remember your family, and just over webcam, I loved them. But not as much as I realized how much I was beginning to love you. I remember late phone calls, even when you had school the next morning an hour earlier than me. I remember that you were in band, one of us started school a few weeks earlier than the other, but we still kept in contact. I wish I remember how long we were talking before we became a fling on October, 11 2008. You have no idea how happy I was. Do you remember the small box you mailed me? I remember I sent you one too. We both had a rose quartz that symbolized love, and so we mailed each other the one we had. I remember also in the box, the necklace and earrings. They were beautiful. And the little cat that stood for patience. I needed that patience till it came time for Spring Break, for you. You were coming to see me!! It was almost scary, but everybody knew you were coming. My friends all demanded to meet you. But I wanted to first have my time with you, and I was coming up with ideas of how our first meeting would go. It wasn't as I expected, but it was good enough.
My mom loved you, and took me to the hotel you and your family would be staying at. My mom and I popped open the trunk door of the Mercury and sat there as I impatiently waited with you on the phone. Mom was taking pictures of me, I didn't like it. You had already been there and gathered everyone. I remember the girls running out, your mother holding baby Eaion yet still rushing. And there you were. You had no idea how self conscious I was, but I didn't care. The moment you were in my arms, I was in heaven. You had told me long ago you hadn't had your first kiss. You didn't expect it, but I kissed you. There was more hugging, and pictures. I ignored the world just for that one moment. I gave you a fedora, you loved fedoras and I remembered that. I had even gotten you one in New York when I was on a Theatre trip. I remember calling and talking to Janet, discreetly asking what hat size you wore. But I don't think it was that fedora.
The hours of the day went by till we decided to go to my school, I was in a play. Into the Woods Jr. Version, and I was Rapunzel. I remember my friends were all excited meeting you, they instantly liked you. Now to rehearsal, remember you were standing by and watching? I remember Mrs. Edna asking you to listen to some of the cast members sing, and you recited the whole thing back perfectly. My Theatre teacher wished you were in our school. Why were you so amazing? How did I manage to get you? I was embarrassed to have to let you hear me sing, but you just smiled and watched. I really loved you already.
The days you were with me went by so fast, I couldn't stand to see you gone. I remember letting Janet stay over and we spent time together. The next day you were having to leave, I gave you Simba, I never trusted anyone with my Simba. Even as I cried, I kissed Simba and told him, "You're going home with Daddy." I clinged onto you in the car as my mom took us back to the hotel, where you swapped cars. I cried watching you go away. As you took home Simba, you took my heart too.
So Far Away, But Not For Long
And here we were again, hours away from one another but still close enough when on the computer. I was already planning my next time to see you. When was it? It seemed almost a century before I got to. I counted down the days, months before I could hold your beautiful face and kiss those intoxicating lips. I didn't care how I got there, but I was going to be there. Road trip! Mom and I drove for hours on end, and when it was my turn to drive, I was determined to get there, but mom wanted to sleep. No, I didn't want to stop and sleep, sleep would happen after I saw you. Those agonizing hours of trying to sleep in a car seat was unbearable. I stared out of the window, watching the sky grow brighter. "Let's go, Mom!" I demanded, and we went on our way. She drives too slow for my liking, but once I finally made it to the house, I saw the kids outside playing and then you. I kiss you and hug you, oh how I missed you, Ian. Even seeing Janet made me happy. The days we spent together, the night you gave yourself to me. The hot tub, the deli, the park, it was all so fun. I wore those god forsaken ugly slip ons to walk in the park, I got a blister or two but when it began to rain and we walked our way back home through it, I remember kissing you and holding your hand. Did I ever tell you that when I looked at you in the rain, I thought This is the man that I'm going to marry. And it was wonderful to think of that, imagining Maia Rosabel, and Desmond with your beautiful blue eyes, I thought we would have a beautiful life, and our distance wouldn't be a problem. I remember how Elizabeth got to meet me, and we had hit it off so well. Going to the mall, taking some pictures. I was truly in love with you and anybody who saw it, said I was the happiest I had ever been.
I remember one night of trying to say goodnight after relaxing in the hot tub, we were kissing and slowly dancing. I had not slow danced before, I was sorta shy to but I did it just because it was you. The rings, remember our promise rings? I still have mine, and the blue one that was as blue as your eyes. The heart with your name on it, the dog tag, the copper heart with a key slot in it. Remember? I was solely yours. You were my guardian angel, and I got to keep you. Everything was perfect. Even when it was painful to leave you again, I knew we'd see each other again.
The next time, I came by plane on my own. Your mom and Eaion were sitting in view for me to see, I thought you were home. But then you surprised me by coming from your hiding place, it was so cute of you, my arms could not squeeze you hard enough to express how I needed you close. More time we got to spend together, I remember slushies and taking pictures on my phone. The memory card still has just those two pictures on it. Young love, it felt like a once in a lifetime chance. I couldn't leave again, but I had to. It was always hard to not see you infront of me. I remember the last day there, Eaion finally let me hold him without fussing. I also remember walking down the street to see your grandma, but she wasn't there.
There was one more time I saw you, did I swap the memories by accident? Your mom's friend Amy let us meet there, I remember Amy and Ava, you said Ava had the eyes that wanted to eat your soul. You were so funny about that. I remember your mom taking pictures of the kids and us on the rocks. It was hard to see you go then, being stuck with Amy until my mom got me. But instead she had a friend get me since she'd get there faster. Amy wanted to go shopping, and I wanted to just sit and wait. I was more than in love with you...
Tragic Last Scene
I wanted to see you again, I needed to. We spoke about the next time we'd see each other, but could not find a date. We were desperate enough that you said you might consider being in my school for our senior year. I would have loved graduating together.
But I remember that night. The night, 11 months and 4 days we were together. You said you weren't in love with me anymore. You kept it a secret for 4 days, you wanted to see if it was just a bad mood you were in, but you realized you just...weren't in love anymore. No, no you couldn't, you were mine, my guardian angel, my future, my life! I couldn't let you go, I felt every part of my heart just crumble till the pieces were impossible to tell from sand. Why, Ian? I told you I'd wait for you, I always would. But you broke yourself away from me, you wanted me to get better. I didn't, I gave myself scars, visible scars. The pain from it didn't soothe or distract the pain from my heart. Why did it have to hurt so bad? Ian, what about the memories, do they mean nothing?! Tell me this is just a nightmare! I don't want to wake up any time I fell asleep! Let me overdose on pills, let me forget this agonizing pain! How could you just leave?! I hate you! I despise you! Look what you've done to me...no, no I don't hate you, I can't. It's hard to. Hate is so far away from love. I love you, please come back...
And so here I sit now, remembering every little bit of pain and joy that you've given me. Why did you not come back to me when you realized you only truly loved me? I would've died to have been with you again. But then I wouldn't, I'd be scared. Scared we'd end the same way. And now I'm too scared to ask you anything. Scared that I may not get an answer I'd expect, or something would ruin my memories. Ich liebe dich, Axel. ...Remember?