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Can You Forgive a Man Who Has Raped You

Updated on April 7, 2012

Question asked by a lady who was raped!

Can You Forgive a Man Who Has Raped You?

'Emotion is impermanent just like everything else in this world. Nothing lives forever. Just like happiness - anger & hatred may not last forever as well...I believe it wont be easy to forgive a rapist but would it matter after 30 - 40 years after the incident? When you know that you or he, or both of you are in the last stage of your life, & although he wasnt punished but he regretted for what he did?'

By Dale Ovenstone updated April 2012

As a guy reading this act of mental & physical violation, I am deeply appalled, 'how a so called man' as the physically stronger sex, should take advantage of over powering another human being, illegally & unethically, bullying sexually, to his own lustful benefit of satisfaction!

There is no question or even remorse in his own mind, concerning the short & the utmost impeccably long term emotional & physical implications he has now endeared onto another human being, & all of those around her are affected tenfold, her friends, her family, maybe her children & even her upcoming or present lover, for the rest of her life, & theirs too.

There is definitely something missing or not right inside his emotional brain, or even his genetic make up!

This guy, & others like him, is one bad person that stands out from many good people!

Selfish Act. No Consideration. No Remorse!

As an author & writer here on hubpages I like to add my input on relationship, dating & attraction issues & was drawn along towards this article question outlined above, & I want to now add my sincere sympathies to the sad experiences of all of the people & the writers who responded, & all of those concerned about this issue herein.

I Have a Friend, She Was Raped Also!

I'm in touch with a lady my own age, she's a great woman, she & I talk openly & she was raped when she was just nine years old. In fact, as sad as her experience is, she didn't even know at the time, just being nine, if what was happening to her, was even right or wrong!

As a guy hearing her pleas my own heart sinks every time she brings up the subject.

I can actually feel her emotions of anger, sorrow, sadness & confusion.

She Radiates This Fear Outwards. Her Anger. I Pick Up On It On An Emotional Level!

She tries to hide her torture from others!

She is embarrassed.

Sad but true!

I sympathise applicably with my friend but there's nothing I can do but only to listen to her!

The nightmares she endures are constantly on her mind & she is heartbroken & confused every time she talks about her ordeal, (but she keeps on bringing up the subject) this so called 'man' was in his forties at the time & married to her sister & still lives in the area so they (almost) bump into each other from time to time!

Should I Report Him For Raping Me?

Her question is, should she report him, but it was so long ago, she was so frightened back then, & she was only a child, what would people think of her?

Like it was her fault or something!

What would her parents think? Her family, her friends, even, her sister (who is now divorced from this monster but has no idea about his past history) & in her mind (my friends') no one would believe her anyway.

Or so she thinks!

But I believe her.

Her question still is, even to this very day, should she report him for rape, for savagely taking away her virginity, trust & violating her all that time ago, but she won't!

She has thought about this question for all those years, should I shouldn't I but, there is something only she knows about, stuck in the back of her mind, that is preventing her!

Does that mean this guy got away with his horrific crime all those years ago?

This lovely lady, my friend, who is now around 50, has been on medication on & off since the time it all happened, emotionally, she is quite mixed up because of her ordeal, & she still has nightmares, a very rocky marriage, involving frigidity with her husband & even affairs behind his back, but now she is divorced & getting on with her life the best she knows.

Her current relationships lack trust, because of her ordeal, her perception about men!

Her Trust In Men Has Been Lost Forever!

But does it really have to be this way?

Should I Forgive Him?

I don't know if it is a case of forgiveness for such a personal violation of another's trust & deep emotions, & being a male myself, & I know I may be out of my depths here, but I have seen the implications it causes to my friend & it makes me very upset for her.

A woman, who has been raped, can very easily lose her trust in all men & this is really sad, as deep in the back of her mind she will probably tar almost all other men with the same brush.

Even, over a period of time, if she is in a relationship with him.

This prevents her from being a true natural woman of freedom, beauty, joy, happiness & pleasure that she is born to be, & every lady deserves, as a woman, emotionally caring, as a human being, kind & considerate, but, some overpowering monster, with a screw missing, comes along one day & takes it all away from her for his own selfish inconsiderate act of lust!

Forgiveness is the only way to release & grow. Forgive yourself First-Always!

You have not got to like that person, or even associate with him ever. But still, it is hard for me to even input here as rape has not happened to me so please excuse my approach, I just wanted to offer my sincere verdict on this response about this emotionally damaging issue, from a guys perspective. The question is....

Can I Forgive A Man Who Raped Me?

Thank you for taking your time to read this article, below, I have included two links, one is for you to consider writing about your own experiences here on hubpages if you would like too, I would be honoured for you to use my link I have provided, this is a very popular article subject, read by many who have endured such pain, you can not only help yourself, but others too, let readers know how you felt at the time, how you feel right now, how you are coping with your ordeal, by sharing your words on paper, begin to feel many positive & negative emotions residing within, bring them all up, think about each emotion wisely, let it all out in your words & please share your story with us & all the readers of the past & the future.

The link below that one may not be a concern to you but I have included it because the subject concerns issues of trust within your current relationships. You can download this book onto your Kindle or Computer! To read more just click onto the book cover when you follow the link through to Amazon Kindle Store

Regards Dale Ovenstone


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    • Inspired to write profile image

      Dale J Ovenstone 3 years ago from Wales UK

      Thank you for your comment DDE

      Regards Dale

    • Inspired to write profile image

      Dale J Ovenstone 3 years ago from Wales UK

      Thank you for your comment kylestendt

      It is difficult for an individual not to take such an horrific experience, personal. It is not about you, it is about him. His selfishness & inconsideration. His thoughts & his feelings. His power (strength) over his victim, & of course, slyness. He carried out this act on another (you.) without any consideration for the feelings of the person-both now, and in the future.

      It is up to each individual human being to CHOOSE how/what/when/when not to; ACT, upon a physical action/re-action. This person whom abused you has some mighty dire issues that need sorting.

      Your life sucks only because; that nightmare of the events are constantly FOREFRONT in your mind.

      Do not waste any more of your 'precious mental resources' on this person (or even the event that took place in the past.)

      Protection is the main key, right now. Even to be wary of this person if they so frighten you, today.

      The mind is a very powerful adversary for human-kind. We, as humans, are capable of what we want to think about, in our private minds'.

      They say we can only think two ways: negative-positive. You must be out of danger from this person; & you must CHOOSE to divert your mind into something positive. It may be difficult trying first but one must stick to positive thinking as soon as a nasty creeps in- but the more time you emotionally seek positive thoughts, the more this negative experience will diminish & won't behold your thoughts.

      There is an exciting life out there so full of wonders & joy. Spent your emotional energy wisely. What ever your life endeavours-seek & ye shall find.

      Many regards. Dale

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Interesting question. I have not had a personal experience of such an abuse and is difficult to say if I would forgive and let go. When you trust someone you feel good about them and when the trust is lost everything else goes too.

    • profile image

      kylestendt 4 years ago

      my life sucks because of the abuse i have been though i got drunk and then i was raped but i think i need to forgive and or forget but to do that i need help

      so anyone who wants to help can contact me on my email

      i am 16 and my life hurts

    • Inspired to write profile image

      Dale J Ovenstone 4 years ago from Wales UK

      Thank you for commenting Stef, sorry to hear your plight and of the courts, and especially his, inconsideration

      Regards Dale

    • profile image

      StefGemini 4 years ago

      I learned today that the man who raped me continuously for 8 years (family member) has died. The question of forgiveness crossed my mind. However, after having lived with the fact that the courts did nothing about his heinous crime and the fact that he felt NO remorse for doing this I have to ask myself ... is forgiving him REALLY going to set me free? I am relieved he is gone. I feel free. No longer does it feel like his oppressive weight is resting on my shoulders. His own daughter was raped by him as well. She feels the way I do. I am not sorry he died. I am sorry he hadn't died sooner

    • Inspired to write profile image

      Dale J Ovenstone 5 years ago from Wales UK

      Thank you for commenting ktdyd, so sorry to hear you experienced this for yourself. What you wrote here will hopefully help others to deal with their own ordeals.

      Regards Dale

    • ktdyd profile image

      ktdyd 5 years ago from Upstate New York

      Having personal experience on this issue, I read your hub with particular interest. I've spent many years of my life battling the same question in myself. For me, the ability to forgive was completely dependent on the remorse, or lack of remorse of the offender. For other women I know, forgive had to come completely from within. They felt guilty or somehow responsible, and that can be difficult to overcome. Too often women, even young girls, are blamed. The type of clothing, flirting, not saying no, not fighting hard enough, shame, ect ect... as though they felt they had any control over the attack. Realizing that the victim is NEVER responsible, and forgiving yourself for whatever part you think you played in your own attack, is the beginning of healing. Sadly, it doesn't sound as though your friend has ever reach that realization.

      I hold no animosity toward my attacker, however situations are most likely very different. After several years, he came and knocked on my door, tears in his eyes, sat on my front porch and cried, begging my forgiveness. It had taken him almost 10 years to admit to himself what he had done and how it must have hurt me. I did not feel sorry for him, but I did know there was genuine shame and emotion behind his apology, and it took courage for him to face me that way. I still have issues of sorts, but forgiving him freed me.

    • Inspired to write profile image

      Dale J Ovenstone 5 years ago from Wales UK

      Thank you so much for your comment Mark, & especially, as you are a guy that understands the dire emotional turmoil's that this article subject portrays.

      Regards Dale

    • profile image

      markbennis 5 years ago

      Hello Dale I had the fortunate chance to have just met you via a comment you had left on one of my Hubs, where you had mentioned that you had written a book on this particular and saddening subject.

      Which had led me here to your Hub which is highly commendable of you as it is a soul destroying experience to have to bare and burden. I think you have done a fantastic job in conveying this reality to the world, for which I feel your friend wholeheartedly would approve and be move too, by your great works and passion for speaking out about them.

      Although I haven’t had the privilege as of yet to read your book but rest assured it is now on my radar and will no doubt soon be in my collection.

      Great to have met you and will stay in touch as we are both Hubbers and on the same island, so again great hub and vote up accordingly, TC.

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 6 years ago from Minnesota

      You are so welcome Dale and I am looking forward to reading more of your insightful hubs about life's ups and downs. BTW, thanks for your thoughtful fan mail. It made me smile :-)

    • Inspired to write profile image

      Dale J Ovenstone 6 years ago from Wales UK

      "Forgiving sets us free from bondage" Wow Minnetonka Twin you have just hit the nail right on the head & this is the message I try to get across in my day to day doings.

      What an informative 'phrase' for each & every one of us to adhere to to set them-self free, no matter what the undesired circumstances were in the past they are just experiences only if you can perceive them correctly.

      Set free, opens up to a 'new & better you' because, as you know, through our experience we learn & we grow, & we become more powerful in realising, 'it it our life, we make of it what we CHOOSE'! (So choose the best.)

      "Forgiving sets us free" & this tool of information I use in creating many of my hubs.

      Thank you for your comments & for simplifying aspects within.

      Regards Dale

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 6 years ago from Minnesota

      Dale-I think it's great that you write this article as a man talking about the rape of his own female friend. I agree that we have to forgive. Forgiveness isn't about the rapist but the victim. Forgiving sets us free from bondage but that does not mean forgetting. Regarding whether or not the gal asking the question about to report or not report: I think it's all about what feels right for the victim. It's her healing and she needs to be honest with herself about what is best for her. Thanks for a very powerful hub.

    • Inspired to write profile image

      Dale J Ovenstone 6 years ago from Wales UK

      Your welcome jewel, thank you for your comment. Regards Dale

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      Jewel 6 years ago