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Can He Not Handle A Woman With A Voice?

Updated on March 24, 2017
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

A woman who is not afraid to vocalize her feelings, does so because she cares...and loves herself enough to speak up so that she can emotionally let go...

Just because a woman is strong enough to speak up for herself, does not mean that she is "talking at you," is "bossy," or "controlling" or "yelling at you."

Men who cannot handle a woman with a strong personality and voice will easily label her as something negative. Hmm...So she should never tell a man when she is unhappy or when he has done something wrong? Or maybe, she should let a man talk down to her and just deal with it? Or, is it that she should never have an opinion—especially if her opinion upsets a guy? That is utterly ludicrous!

Being in a relationship means learning how to communicate with each other—especially through the difficult conversations.

Expecting someone to remain silent and never deal with issues is a sure fire way to emotionally push them away. How do you envision having a successful relationship if you can not handle receiving feedback or being vocal about what you want and need?

It can be difficult to have a conversation with a guy who just sits there—saying absolutely nothing and emotionally shuts down—when he does not like something he hears. Of course, doing the complete opposite—emotionally or physically attacking you because he doesn't like something you said or how you phrased it, is no fun either. Yikes!

Men, is she really talking "at you" or actually trying to talk "with you?" Unfortunately, a guy like this will have a hard time knowing the difference since he tends to be closed-off and judgmental. Great.

Here's the thing, speaking up when you are unhappy is healthy to do—as long as it is done in a respectful way. Internalizing and saying nothing is absolutely not a healthy method to get your point across. Also emotionally exploding when you cannot handle the feedback is insane. You should be able to openly discuss with a guy what is and is not feeling right for you—so that you can continue to maturely grow in your relationship. Without open and honest communication your relationship will weaken and eventually fail. Relationships cannot move forward without feedback—good and bad.

Why is it; that women who don't vocalize their needs are pushovers, while women who do vocalize are labeled as being "unhappy" or "complainers?"...

I dated a guy who could not handle how vocal I was about issues that would arise. Although there were not many issues, the second I would express my concerns he would emotionally shut down and become silent—in turn, creating more issues. When he finally would contribute to the conversations we had, his only conclusion was that I was obviously unhappy—since I was "complaining." Are you kidding me?! What he failed to realize; vocalizing issues meant that I still cared and wanted to work through them.

Expressing how we feel is not something most women jump for joy to do. However, we should not feel as though we cannot say anything in fear of how a man might react. Walking on eggshells is not healthy for any relationship.

This guy was very closed-minded, internalized everything, and would also accuse me of talking "at him"—any time I tried to talk "with him." Fun. The issues we had did not go away because instead of listening, hearing and working to change things; he would instead label me as "nagging" him or "trying to be the boss of him." Interesting. So by telling him what was upsetting me meant that I was being unreasonable or a dictator? Hmm...

My ex was very stubborn (to say the least); this guy did not like feedback, was not open to it at all, and was unwilling to sincerely take ownership for anything. Trust me, his immature way of dealing with issues was not only difficult, but also frustrating and disappointing to say the least.

I did not realize the severity of how he would shut down when I vocalized anything until we had dated for several months. Every time I tried to have an adult conversation with him about anything that he felt was too upsetting to hear; he would internalize his emotions and become overly quiet. When he finally would talk he would add nothing relevant to the conversation. Instead, he would make innuendo about how he didn't like it when his ex-wife would "talk at him." What was that supposed to mean?

A comment like that did not just happen once. He made innuendos throughout the time we dated—whenever I spoke up about anything that would upset me. This got old very quickly, especially once I found out that he had issues with any woman who vocalized how she felt—his ex-wife, his daughter, his ex-wife's female siblings and family members, female doctors, etc. What was ironic; he had no issues vocalizing how he didn't appreciate women who had backbones and strong opinions. Really?!

Instead of honoring women who aren't pushovers and meek, there are men who will blame them for their own inabilities.

Because my ex was afraid to speak up he ridiculed women who could with backhanded comments. This was due to his own insecurities and self-doubt. Honestly, I found it pathetic and sad. God has given us all voices to use. But, my ex thought that silence was better—so that he would not have to deal with issues—not realizing that silence only created more issues.

Ladies, it is important to be in a relationship where you can have open, honest, and healthy communication about anything—without feeling ridiculed or having a man turn around and emotionally attack you. Instead of making you feel bad for speaking your mind, he should be honoring the fact that you care enough to say something in the first place.

Bottom line, the man who is right for you will appreciate that you have courageous voice, and that you aren't afraid to speak your opinion.

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    • Miss-Adventures profile imageAUTHOR

      Stephanie Bailey 

      20 months ago from Denver

      dashingscoripo,

      Thank you :)

      Yes I can see how "strong" can be viewed that way, but where I was coming from was strong being courageous, sticking up for ones self, not being afraid....versus "attaching or yelling."

      Your points are always appreciated. :)

      Again, thank you for reading!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      20 months ago

      Stephanie,

      You always come up with some thought provoking topics!

      Too often when people use the word "strong" they often mean a sort of loud boisterous take no prisoners hand clapping head bobbing tirade leveled at whomever they felt crossed the line.

      In my opinion communicating with confidence while expressing what one expected and why they're disappointed or upset is well within normal bounds. Usually the louder one gets the more a listener tunes them out. Tone is everything!

      As I stated earlier if a guy is "into" a woman he's not going to "intentionally" try to hurt her or anger her.

      "The issues we had did not go away because instead of listening, hearing and working to {change things}; he would instead label me as "nagging" him or "trying to be the boss of him."

      A lot of men and most people in general are "happy" with themselves. People don't usually (change) unless (they) are unhappy. They want to be loved and accepted for who they are.

      In my book: "My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany) I talk about how most people {don't want to change}. Therefore we have to decide how "important" is whatever we want.

      If it's a "deal breaker" get out.

      If it's not a "deal breaker" learn to live without.

      Another author said: "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"

      Only the individual knows what is and isn't "small stuff". Naturally what's important to you may not be to your mate.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      Ideally the goal is to find someone who (already is) what we want. In other words they naturally love us (the way we) want to be loved. Great topic as always!

    • Miss-Adventures profile imageAUTHOR

      Stephanie Bailey 

      20 months ago from Denver

      dashingscorpio, your points are very true, however...

      this article is not about about women who need to yell or get upset to get their point across---that method is not beneficial for anyone.

      What this article is about...

      a woman vocalizing in a respectful way what she wants, needs or is upset about and having a man turn what she is sharinf with him into something negative.

      Of course like many relationships there is often a trial and error--- since you don't know how someone will react until issues arise-- and you find out how the other person will ultimately react to what you are (again, respectfully) trying to express. If they are completely closed off or don't take it well...it's time to move on--like I did. :)

      As always Thank you again for reading and sharing your one man's opinion ;)

      Btw, I agree with Proverbs 21:19---if I was talking about an angry woman versus a women expressing how she's feels. :)

      Proverbs 18:13 "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him."

      (Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      20 months ago

      "Just because a woman is strong enough to speak up for herself, does not mean she is "talking at you," is "bossy," or "controlling" or "yelling at you..." Depends on her tone!

      "Men who cannot handle a woman with a {strong personality} and voice will easily label her as something negative. Hmm...So she is supposed to never tell a man when she is unhappy or when he has done something wrong?"

      Again it's not what is said but how one says it.

      Some women and men don't know how to express their displeasure without flying off the handle getting loud or enraged. It's almost as if "blowing up" (is the goal) instead of resolving the misunderstanding.

      Proverbs 21:19 (KJV)

      "Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman."

      Generally speaking if someone is "in love" or cares about you they're not setting out to "intentionally" hurt or disrespect you.

      (Anger is the Mask that Hurt wears...)

      On the other hand if you're dating a guy who you believe "intentionally" is trying to harm or anger you then he's not the "right guy" for you. The goal is to find someone who (already is) the kind of person you want to be with. (Not train them)

      Everyone has their own "boundaries" and "deal breakers". Naturally from time to time these (laws) unfortunately get discovered by our mate through a "trial & error" process.

      In some instances people are bringing baggage from their past relationships and feel it's their duty to set the new guy straight the moment he does something that reminds them of their ex. Going from 0-60 and getting ballistic rarely especially over something one might consider to be minor usually leads to an explosive argument or "passive aggressive" behavior.

      Truth be told anyone can scream, yell, curse, or explode. Nevertheless if the goal is to have your mate (understand) how you (feel) so that they are more considerate in the future "attacking" is not the way to go in most instances.

      One has to ask if the shoe were on the other foot and he came at you like that would it make you want to appease him or leave him? An old adage: "Treat people the way you want to be treated"

      One man's opinion!:)

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