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Can You Date Your Friend's Ex Part 2 : The Fiance

Updated on September 19, 2008

More Thoughts, More Ideas

Here's a comment from Can You Date Your Friend's Ex , that I thought we'd start a new HUB with.

traveler1 says:

I have a question on this topic. My friend's fiance left her a little over a year ago. I subscribe to a couple of online dating websites and one of them matched me up with this friend's ex fiance. So, I "blocked" him so that he could not communicate with me. Then, today I went onto the other website that I belong to and haven't been on for a few months and found two messages from him. The first said he missed me, and that he's sorry for what happened between him and my friend and hoped I didn't think he was completely at fault, and that I was the sweetest, most gentle, sensitive person he ever met in his entire life. And the other message was from today -he saw that I was "online" and wrote 'you are so beautiful.' Normally I would tell a friend's ex to go tell hell if he pulled that, but with him I feel so sad at the thought of letting him go. Maybe it's partly because of my age (34) - it's not easy finding someone these day, partly because I'm really attracted to him and have alot in common, and the last reason I don't want to let this go is because this happened to me with another friend's ex many years ago. I never persued him out of respect for my friend, but in retrospect I completely regret it. We are not even friends anymore anyway. The dilemna this time is that I do care for both my friend and him, but moreover she is still not over this ex fiance and has really taken the break up badly enough. I really want to do the right thing and let him go, but then there's the other part of me that's telling me not to let go so easily this time, especially because we have so much in common and already like and know eachother.

I know this friend of mine is not completely rational and is very territorial and will not be the type to still remain friend's with me if I choose to talk to her ex, let alone date him. What should I do, risk the friendship or the potential soulmate? Keep in mind that either relationship may fail in the future.

Dear traveler1,

From what you've shared, you're in your 30's, you've regretted not taking a chance on an "ex-friend's" ex before, and this one in particular is really interested in you.

On the HUB where you left your comment, the major piece of advice I had given was to be honest. This is one of those areas where feelings will be hurt and there isn't much you can do about that if you decide to go for it and try dating your friend's ex. I think the least you can do in that circumstance is give your friend the respect of your honesty.

I don't think your situation deviates from that. You said your friend is irrational and territorial, and you said her ex-fiance could be your soulmate. Based on your verbiage, I would say your mind is already made up. I'm not going to go into why you shouldn't pursue this, because I think at this point that ship has sailed.

The truth underneath all our misgivings and regrets, is that we choose potential partners for the possibilities we see in them. We choose people to be in our lives because they have shown us some qualities we like. The same goes for our friendships. We choose people we like and care for, because there are things about them we are drawn to.

Whatever your friend initially saw in her ex, is probably still there. And you said she still cares for him. If she is your friend, she cares about you too. If we could actually put our needs aside and look at the truth of these ties, we would see that we want whats best for the people we care for. If your friend is an enlightened person, and a year has passed since the break up, she should be able to realize she wants both of you to be happy, and that if you find that happiness together she wouldn't want to stand in the way.

But, that is probably not what you will find when this unfolds. Your friend will not be thinking about your happiness, or hoping for the happiness of her ex. She will feel slighted, bitter, angry, hurt, and betrayed. Since the ex is basically out of her life, it will be you that bares the burden of all of that focus from her.

I stick by my original advice and say that you should tell her right away. At least give her that. If you don't and she finds out, or she's told after the fact, you've added to that list of hostility the very real image of your being sneaky and going behind her back. If you believe you can try to date this guy, then there should be no secrets about it. Tell her immediately.

I wouldn't play the fault game here. Telling her he contacted you and you ignored it, and then he contacted you again... blah blah blah, "poor pursued you",would be a childish approach. You're a grown up, responsible for your actions without finger pointing. There's no reason to go there. If you think it will make her see you in a better light, think again. Just own this. Just tell her, you and he ran into each other online and you have decided you both want to try dating each other. Tell her you've both thought about her feelings, and you're sorry for any upset this causes. Tell her you still want to be her friend, and you hope she will still be yours.

I reiterate from my first HUB, do not compare. Do not let her take you through all the things he did wrong. Do not tell her how you'll be a better mate for him. Do not get dragged backwards. If she wants to talk and you want to let her get it out, do it without input. If she tells you what an ass he was, you can say, "I'm sorry you got hurt." If she tells you how he never called, cheated, killed someone, escaped from jail - whatever it is, do not defend him, do not blame her, do not compare yourself to her, do not go there. Just tell her you're sorry she was hurt. If the conversation gets uncomfortable, say, "This is uncomfortable for me." Suggest that you pick this up after some time has passed.

You know as well as I do that your odds of saving this friendship are slim. Hey, no judgments here. If it were a better friendship, maybe you would have decided differently. If you weren't so sure about this guy, maybe you would have gone a different way. Who knows. Breaking it into pieces at this point is futile. Accept that this is the way you feel and the decision you've made, and then accept the consequences. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart. Be honest with everyone, its the best you can do.

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All text is original content by Veronica.

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Submit a Comment

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 10 years ago from NY


    Hmmm! I think you're on to something there. Could be!

  • profile image

    markion 10 years ago from London

    could it be that this guy tailored himself to be matched up to her?

  • profile image

    AWG 10 years ago

    Peopel only ask for advice after they know what they will do. they just want you to agree.

  • profile image

    Scott 10 years ago

    I think it was smart that you came right out and said that this person will probably lose the frienship. I think that was responsible of you to include in your response.