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Capture Him and Cage Him!

Updated on April 24, 2012

Christian Carter

Ladies - What is your opinion?

Do you think that Christian Carter is ripping vulnerable women off?

See results

Guys - What is your opinion?

Do you want a woman to be trained by Christian Carter before she dates you?

See results

Get Paid For Dating!

Whew! I didn't realize how complicated dating has become these days. My daugher, Laurel, is 22 and in the dating scene. She showed me an email that she received. It was from a nice man named Christian Carter.

Christian Carter is a self proclaimed dating expert. He has been making keen observations and taking notes while dating for many years. He claims that he is also an expert in psychology. I am certain you can believe that he is the only man who can help the single ladies not just catch a man but keep him!

It's true ladies. You can learn how to know what your special man is thinking and how to attract him like bees to honey. After you have managed to get that special man's attention, you will learn how to not turn him off. Christian can tell you every secret to stay off your man's last nerve and make him want to stick around you and your stuff!

Why? Because he can teach you how men think. He can tell you just what to say. Don't be fooled there isn't another man alive who knows all that Christian Carter knows.

What's Your Price?

This is another newer and improved dating tactic in the event that Christian Carter's program doesn't work out. If you are pretty you can have an account. Men check you out and offer a price for you to go out on a date with him. He emails you an offer and if you think it is worth your time you can accept and get paid! This used to be called prostitution.

Capture Him and Cage Him!

My program is a bit more aggressive for those of you who just could not follow Christians instructions or get a good deal with a paying customer. If you know that the apple of your eye is not falling for your charms you will need my kit. It comes with everything you will need to capture your chosen man.

  • taser
  • handcuffs (with a key for you!)
  • soundproof foam blocks
  • rope
  • gag
  • gurney
  • 4 point restraints

Getting the guy of your dreams can be as easy as 1, 2, 3. Once you scope him out smile and keep that taser in your pocket. Approach him quietly and zap him from behind. He will love the element of surprise! Then simply tie him up, gag him and drag him home. Then after you drag him into your house, place him gently into the gurney and strap him in.

While you bathe, feed and clothe him you can get to know each other better! I would recommend viewing "Misery," by Stephen King for maximum effectiveness:)

Comments

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  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Love doctor - you can be much more influential than that ole Christian Carter! He just sounds like a joke....and for someone who claims to be an expert about feelings? Come on! Where are the credentials? I wanna see the letters! Lol

  • profile image

    lovedoctor926 4 years ago

    Hi Real Housewife. You're so right! The dating scene gets harder and harder especially when there are so many men out there who don't want to settle down. I'm actually subscribed to Christian Carter's site. The relationship expert advice that he gives is great, but I no longer read it since I'm the love doctor. lol Great hub!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    I forgot all about this one Bill! Lol.

    I see this stuff and wonder if people have gone mad! Seriously, we need Christian Carter or dial a date now days? I'm so glad I'm not on the meat market too:)

    Thank you!!

  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

    Well strap me down and call me happy! LOL I love your sense of humor, Kelly! This cracked me up. Thank God I don't have to date any longer...Bev captured me and I no longer have to play the silly games that people play nowadays. Loved this hub my friend. An oldie but a goodie.

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    HA HA! That is funny (I mean ticking of the blue hairs)! I bet it would! lol I told her to let me know if she still wants to after work. I was kind of strict too - and I don't regret that at all! Now she says, she doesn't either even though we fought so much! Now isn't that music to my ears...my hunch paid off! Laaaaa! haha! You must thank you son for serving our country, please!

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 5 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Yea, kids are too big for you when they are growing up. Can't be seen with my parent, that's not cool type stuff, but once they're out on their own.....they see that they had it good, and miss mom and dad. My son is cool, and I'm blessed that he loves me like he does. I was strict with him when he was younger, but I didn't want him to get in trouble when he was in school. He has made me proud many times over since joining the service and serving our country. Now he's married to his HS sweetie,with a two year old...pretty cool, and I love being a grand dad to the sweet little girl as well. Make time to play Bingo with your daughter, it'll be a memory you'll cherish!! When you win, yell BINGO out loudly though, ticks off the blue hairs...LOL :)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hey Jeff - that sounds SO cool! Wish I could be there! Pretty cool when the kids grow up and can enjoy doing those kind of adult things isn't it? lol My 23 year old moved out a few months ago...so weird...she called and asked me if I wanted to go play Bingo with her...LOL It is so weird because she would never have asked me that before...I saw her everyday. Now I see her trying to carve time out of her schedule so she can be sure to spend some with me....what a great kid!

    Sounds like you have a lot to be happy about - I hope 2012 is even greater than this year for you!!

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 5 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Well, Lord willing....Myself, and my awesome son will be celebrating our birthdays (Sept.) together as we cage dive with Great Whites down in Guadeloupe Mexico!! He'll be 26 and I'll be the BIG 50!! I'm looking forward to being with him and sharing that experience with him....Just to be THAT close to those beautiful creatures is an honor!! It's ALL in God's hands, so it's ALL good!! Make it a great year friend!!! :)

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    No kidding...I always look at a new year with one eyebrow up! What history making monents do we have to come for the books this year???? lol

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 5 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    LOL...There's many that need the SMACK DOWN, and just as many women too...LOL I'm looking forward to 2012 and what it offers...Lord willing, it'll be a good one!! Later friend!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Jeff - im so glad you found your gal again on FB! That is so cool! And I'm more glad you have the hammer still - you just never know when another dude like this might need the smack down:) haha!

    Hey best wishes to you for 2012!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Caroline - thank you so much! I really could not believe this guy! I couldn't miss the chance to exploit such a creepy guy:) lol

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Haha! Hi Jeannie - can you believe that dweeb? Lol. And I have to mention that he's so full of it - when I was watching the video - it looks like they are ready to burst out laughing at themselves! Lol.

    Right - just get a taser and any guy in the world can be yours! Ha! Thanks so much!

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 5 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Hey all....Glad they caught this nut job finally!! My hammer is still ready and waiting to blast him though. You ladies crack me up though. To the poor caught and caged guys out there....Run Forrest Run!!! Bahahahaha! I'm caught now, but she leaves the cage door open so I can go when I want. I know I got it good, so she has nothing to worry about. Would die for my sweet baby. Served in USAF back in the 90's and just found her again on FB. Things happen for a reason for sure. She IS the one...I ain't scared!! I'll walk through fire for this one....any day of the week! Well, Saturday I have plans so hopefully she won't be needing me that day...hehe :) Hope 2012 is great for everyone here!!! God Bless!

  • carolinemd21 profile image

    Caroline Marie 5 years ago from Close to Heaven

    Great hub! Hilarious.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I laughed so hard reading this. This is awesome advice - your advice, I mean... not that lame Christian guy. All this time I have been going about things the wrong way. I have been single too long. Now, I just need to get my hands on a taser...

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Cagsil - I know! It really makes me sick! I tried to research this guy - he uses two names by the way. he has had many complaints about his scam and I truly believe he is taking advantage of people who are just looking for love in all the wrong places. I've seen women that will testify to this guys achievements and it's all bull. You are exactly right - people fall for his b.s. He doesn't even have a degree as far as I can tell....when I watched the video - it's creepy how they say stuff like he uses his profound knowledge of human behavior and psychology! Translation = he's in to himself and knows how to manipulate chicks! Lol

    Thanks for the votes! This was a fun one!

  • Cagsil profile image

    Cagsil 5 years ago from USA or America

    Hey Kelly, you know the really sad part is people will take him up on his offer and be gullible enough to use his advice. I mean it's sad that someone like this would put himself out there as an expert in what men think? And, especially using "psychology" as a lure to draw in those who are desperate. Someone should put him in a cage and lock the door, and throw away the key. People like him are dangerous. Not to mention, can be a menace. LOL! However, on your article- TOO FUNNY! Voted up! :)

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Yaduvanshi - I did kind of blow it out of proportion but I'm sad to say Christian Carter is real and in business last time I checked and "name your price" is a real site too! I can hardly believe ti myself:).

  • Yaduvanshi profile image

    Yaduvanshi 5 years ago from Bharat Vrse

    Does it really work that way

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hear me - (hey I love that name btw:) I am so glad I am not dating now either! Isn't he pathetic? Some people will do anything for money! And since when do we need dating coaches? I think a few pointers might be good but a program? Yes I hope no one spends a dime on his scam.

    Hand cuffs - are very useful! Maybe we need to use them on Christian Carter! Lol. Thanks so much for the comment!

  • Hear Me profile image

    Hear Me 5 years ago from Somewhere in Florida

    I am glad he wasn't around when I was single.. but the handcuffs may still have some potential! Great read!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    I think you should just write whatever interests you. That's why it's good - because you write about what you love. I couldn't write an interesting hub about history - in fact so good you won a hub nugget!! How sweet was that? I got a vicarious thrill out of it:) so keep writing smart stuff - I'll write the dumb stuff. LOL (just kidding:)

  • mythicalstorm273 profile image

    mythicalstorm273 6 years ago

    Too bad I'm not really a funny writer, I guess I won't ever really enjoy that :-( Oh well... I enjoy my topics anyways :-)

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Yep! And I swear sometimes that is one of the most fun things about hub - knowing one of the other hubbers is going to laugh with you;)

  • mythicalstorm273 profile image

    mythicalstorm273 6 years ago

    Haha... Yes this one probably really caught her eye :-)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Myth - thank you! That was a fun one to write - I mean what a jerk, huh? Lol I was laughing the whole time I was writing it - mainly thinking - wait until barber girl sees this one! Haha!

  • mythicalstorm273 profile image

    mythicalstorm273 6 years ago

    This was hilarious!! I loved how you put an obvious scam into such a great piece of writing!! This reminds me of one of those jokes you tell and somehow manage to keep a straight face while totally laughing your butt off inside your head. Great and joyful hub!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Epi - well with the divorce rate as it is - you are probably richer and happier to have not been caged yet:)!! Lol

    Thank you so much for your awesome comments!

  • epigramman profile image

    epigramman 6 years ago

    ....well at the age of 53 I have never been captured or caged - yet - lol - maybe I am just an untamed beast although I'm certainly not a confirmed bachelor by any means - just looking for a rich smart funny independent woman - is that too much to ask? lol

    As always you hit the proverbial nail on the head with your wit, your style, your irony and your nerve and verve - you've got it all as a successful writer - and I like it - a lot !!!!

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Keep eye out for more coming soon to a local hub near you!! LOL ;)

    For everyone...I hope Chaz (Chastity) Bono catches the idiot in the video, and gives him what he deserves....LOL

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    I did love it Jeff!

  • profile image

    Jrandol62 6 years ago

    Thanks RHW! Too kind! Yeah Kat, check it out! hehe

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Kat is hilarious and she has her own way of using symbols alone to make you bust a gut:) yes - check his hub out Kat - you'll love it!

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Click my name and it will take you to my hubpage...Is someone tazing you ladies?!! Is Christian standing behind you with a tazer gun?! Where's my hammer?!! LOL Gotta hit the hat ladies, oops...hay....haha! Sweet dreams to you!

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    lol I need one too J

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Ummm....yes, the "J" would be for Jeff, not jerk, jacka**, jerk***, jerimiah johnson, jellybeans, etc...Just Jeff! LOL

    To Kath, your long comment above had me crying! Laughing so hard, tears came to my eyes, too funny! Now I see why your hubby, or BF is caged...Too dangerous to let him in public I see...Duh! Imerse computer in tub, blow nads off!! LOL

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Let me see if I can get the link...You should be able to click on my user name by my photo and go there...Shouldn't you? That's what I did to get to yours....And yes, I'm sure you could be a handful to him....I'll leave it to that. Sorry, but I need a cig friend, and I don't EVEN smoke!..MerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrCY! ;)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    @Jeff - I'm interested in reading your blog - bit can you give me a link? Thanks!

    @Jrandol62 - haha! Is that J for Jeff?

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    OH I keep a blog to if it's on blogger you can monetize them to adsense

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    OH Jeff if I only could say on here, but I won't.. you have no idea how close to home you hit with the slot statement. You're welcome to read my latest hub if you want and maybe you can figure it out ;)

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Help! I've fallen and I can't reach my friggin HAMMER!!! Not enough fro for a weave anymore by the way....LOL Hence the hat...hehe Get along little filly....LOL ;)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Jeff - you could skip the weave and go for a do-rag:)! Lol! Don't fall down - you won't be able to read our hubs if you are unconscious!

    I will tell him thank you so so much! I think some days I am a handful for him!

  • profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago

    RHW....Read my blog on here if you want an interesting story...I add to it weekly, or will follow it up with another one...Just started on here....Have an AWESOME weekend! Give your hubby a high five and tell him he did well...VERY well!!

  • profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago

    HAHAHA.....Poor guys, caged up. Kath, does he get to come out sometimes or do you slide his plate through the slot? LMAO!! Real HW, backatcha!! Hammertime!, need the baggy pants, and the weave though. (Moving across floor like MC) Bahahaha! OOPS, just tripped over my pants....That's gonna leave a mark! LOL LMAO Ladies!! Goodnight fair maidens! ;)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    I know! Lol!

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    OH the dog comes before anyone LOL (i'm not kidding lol)

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    So what Kat - you're a good cook and he probably likes it! I mean look how you treat the dog! LOL

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    LOL hammertime!! I don't have the right clothes for that! But yes, Jeff that was nice of you! I have my man safe n' sound right where he belongs I'm like RH in a way, I captured him and caged him. :)

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Jeff - it sounds like you are the real deal and my kind of guy! Thank you so much for your awesome contribution here - lmao! Hammer time!

  • profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago

    Ladies, I hope every one of you finds a good man....If I see this nutjob, I'll do everyone a favor (Insert ANY hammer here)...LOL Oh, what's that dude?...Did that hurt?...It's ONLY a flesh wound you putz!! LOL Tipping my hat to you ladies...and he rides off in the sunset, on a horse of course.... ;-)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Bombs away:)! Haha,!

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    Ah. lol I thought you were teasing anyone with a come back I mean I have so many questions!!!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Oh I'll fix that! Thanks! I totally didn't notice!

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    There is NO comment box on Dave!! Whhuuuuu? Oh man I SOOO didn't even get the chance to say "is that a blonde jab" LOL!!! "Break up with her you're on a time limit" LOL!!! Now Since I'm not married (yet) what do I get to be in on? How I captured my ex? It was more like he wouldn't leave me alone LOL and he beat up my boyfriend LOL who Im back together with! hahahaaaa

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    Ya know, my first thought was WHO in their right mind would name their kid Misery? LOL.. It kinda left him open for someone to get back at him for putting a poor fictional kid through that j/k lol!! But yeah the book :::CRING:::: owww...

    @Jrand: Ya know, I personally think he could of done other things to free himself.. when he was writing and at the chair, he could of still hit her more times with the type writer! and saved his fingers, and WHY piss her off more by killing off her best loved person.. DUH.. "let's not piss off females named Kathy" it says that in a NUTshell hehehe LOL

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Jrandol62 - thank you so much for your hilarious comments! Yes - I couldn't believe it was true! What a sicko - to take advantage of people who are so needy of love. Shame - he must be some kind of sociopath!

    I'll remember who's got the hammer next time I run into one of these guys;)!

  • Jrandol62 profile image

    Jeff 6 years ago from Where ever the road takes me....

    Dearest housewife....LOL I'd knock this guy out if I had the chance. What a scam this nutjob is....I have a mallet, regular hammer, sledgehammer, and what ever else you may need to put him out of my misery...LOL Thanks for the good read, I wish you the best and also your 22 year old daughter! It's tough dating at my age, set in my ways, but treat ladies as ladies always....Take care friend!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    No you aren't old fshioned dablufox - this is all extreme and the only reason I could easily turn it into a hub - it's ridiculous!

    I would drink with you too! LOL

    Thanks so much for the read and fun comments!

  • dablufox profile image

    dablufox 6 years ago from Australia

    Maybe I'm a little o'l fashioned but isn't this all a little extreme.

    Very funny, dating can be a minefield these days. If I was a parent with a daughter starting to date I'm pretty sure I would turn to the bottle.

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Kat - I did read the book first - but I have to say - Kathy Bates brought it alive! The, ah hem - sound effects were so relistic! I hate that!

    Did you note my comment on barbergirl28 hub somewhere that I watched Zombieland? Lol! Too funny!

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    Did ya read the book before ya seen the movie? omg.. creepy! I love Kathy Bates too, she's super great! OH, if you've not seen her in Relative Strangers.. omg HYSTERICAL... not for my movie hub tho.. but she's married to Danny DiVito.. imagine that! :) hehe.. they put marriage in perspective. :) (only different lol)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Tina - thanks! For the visit and the votes:) oh foam blocks are for sound proofing! I meant to explain that better! you wouldn't want the neighbors to hear his screams for help! Ha!

    I loved Misery and Kathy Bates in general. She is great!

  • gr82bme profile image

    gr82bme 6 years ago from USA

    Loved this. You are so funny. I am looking forward to reading more of your hubs.

    I do not want to feed, bathe or clothe him. Then he will want it all the time!

    Oh, by the way, what were the foam blocks for?

    Misery was one of my favs

    Tina

    voted up and the other thingies too

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Ha! Smart Chuck! I love that saying and am going to use it on my girls! It really is so true! Thanks for adding that nugget and for the votes too!

  • Chuck RitenouR profile image

    Chuck RitenouR 6 years ago from Front Royal, Virginia

    I've always heard "if you want to keep the bird, leave the cage door open". The world is full of lonely people and full of those willing to advantage of that loneliness..great hub...voted it up.

    Chuck

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Sue! I've missed you!

    Too bad you didn't know those guys were supposed to pay you! You would be rich by now! Haha!

    I am so glad I'm not part of that rat race. It is really sad - but it doesn't have to be! Just ignore the new dating ideas and resort to the old ways of meeting a guy and falling in love - at first sight - across a crowded smoky room! Haha!

  • sueroy333 profile image

    Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

    Excellent. I had 3 marriage proposals in the 12 months I was single after my divorce. I didn't realize there was a "strategy". Wow! To think I could have been getting PAID to turn guys down!!

    This is funny, funny stuff.... and a little sad. Being single seems so much more complicated than it was 15 years ago!!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    D.William - thank you very much! This was a really fun look at how some things have changed! I could hardly believe it myself when I found the first two dating scams! I figured I could make up my own too! Lol!

  • d.william profile image

    d.william 6 years ago from Somewhere in the south

    I loved this article. Very funny. Also liked all the comments. Good job. I am looking forward to reading more of you stuff. dw

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi and thanks a lot Cogerson! This was a fun one:)!

  • Cogerson profile image

    Cogerson 6 years ago from Virginia

    Very funny stuff....and a great response you have gotten....voted funny...keep up the great work

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    Funny you say that because I broke up with a guy cos he wasn't smart enough FOR ME lol (egooo??) and when I'm talking to my friend comparing the two, I'm like "I can SOO never get this past Scott cos he's too smart." lol

    Actually it scares me sometimes, because he might be late on things like how a computer works, but he's by far more street smart (well we both are because we're from Detroit lol) and more like me than anybody I've ever known.

    I don't know if I'm going to let him have any Super hero-ness cos it'd go straight to his big head LOL

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Kat - you are hilarious! But right - Carter is a loser. The only time I ever found a decent guy is when I wasn't looking for him. Meeting a guy is not like studying for a test and taking notes. The guy is just peddling common sense. You could learn manners and it is the same tactic:)

    Haha - yes after I knew Dave for 1 year, I decided I really did like him. His girlfriend wasn't his type! She wasn't smart enough for him. My kids think that it's hilarious that I made him break up with his GF:)!

    Your too much Kat - that's why you are a super hero:)! too funny!

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    After video comment: Nobody can make someone who is NOT attracted to someone if they are not! If the guy falls out of love with you, he never loved you to begin with. It's obvious that true love last forever because, the man who loved me when I was 20, loves me at 50, and spends WAY more of his time on drawing me, painting me, writing to me, and calling me back after I hang up on him to say "I thought about it and you were right, I did buy you a watch the first birthday we were together".. and I say I TOLD YA SO WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO WITH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! lol, then he gives the boo hoo attitude, and I apologize for yelling at him, and we start from square 1... again.. and again... and again. :) lol.

    Even when I wouldn't speak to him for a few years,.. "i was going to move on".. he never could. He still says, no matter how mean or stubborn you are, I'll always love you, you're my everything. Then I tell him to cut the crap, and we're back to happy again. lol. Once he was going to just LEAVE ME! He left and went to his dad's in Florida. Then called me. I was like "YOU'RE WHERE?.. NO NO NO, COME HOME NOW" then I start crying. He didn't even bother to catch a train, he HITCHIKED home and left his friend there who could have drove! LOL. For some reason this crazy man falls prey to my tears, and my fears and will still, always be there to catch me if I fall. I dunno, true love don't come on video! It just finds you.. like my hub said. And it will keep looking until it finds you. (kinda like the final destination series, you can't cheat death.. you can't cheat love, cos it's going to find you) :) Great hub RH! No wonder your a superhero.. totally stealing a man.. you didn't.. he already was attracted or you couldn't of done it, he already wanted you. You just had to make it clear to him, cos men are dumb like that. :) lol

  • Katharella profile image

    Katharella 6 years ago from Lost in America

    How'd I miss this! Oh. I was going off on the pakistan guy.. well anyway THIS IS HYSTERICAL! I love the "watch Misery for maximum effectiveness" LOL! Funny! Well, I've not seen the video yet, but will in a sec. This is my tactic and it's worked for 30 years. I made my bf fall totally in love with me. Then I turn into the B* from h.e.double hockey sticks! So, yesterday he calls me, we have a brief argument on WHY I DON'T WASH OFF MY LAPTOP UNDER WATER because I spilled soda on it. Um, well since you won't learn how to TYPE, and I've been to college for computer, HEY HOW ABOUT TRUSTING THAT I KNOW YOU DON'T SUBMERGE ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT UNDER WATER???? Ya think that concept might apply? I finally said, fine, when you get down here and I let you drop my old laptop in the bathtub, and you no longer have one, and I WON'T LET YOU USE MINE, then it cost you $1,500. to replace my old one that could have had a $30. replacement board, MAYBE YOU'LL SEE MY POINT. As soon as he said "listen, take the key's off" I said, I have to go. LOL he shut up and changed the subject by saying "You are always so stubborn".. I said after 30 years, GO WITH IT THEN. I'm not changing! HELLOOO?? lol. He said he'll stick to painting, I stick to computers. "AH, FINALLY YOU'RE GETTING IT, I WILL NOT TASER YOU, *YET" lol.

    I like your thing with Dave "Dump her, I'M HERE" philosophy! Of course pretty much however I want things to go, he's going to do it or I won't speak to him and he HATES that! Tries pulling the "boo hoo is me" crap! Uh, no, that might of worked years ago, now.. um, no.

    Oh, I liked your answer to my question thing, did ya see BBG's? LOL "because I CAN HAHAHAHAHA" LOL! Then the jerk who hates me (and voted my hubs down) he posts "Oh, it's the ego maniac striking again." I wish we could post back because I want to say IF YOU WEREN'T SO DUMB, YOU'D LOOK UP AND SEE THAT QUESTION WAS DIRECTED TO ONE PERSON! A NAMELESS, FACELESS PERSON WITH NO FOLLOWERS, NO HUBS BUT FOLLOWS "ME" THAT'S IT.. I think I had every right to ask that question! So I have the mystery stalker.. I really want a taser LOL! Now him.. me and Misery Queen would have some good common fun! lol! Thanks for the idea's btw LOL! Now.. off to watch the goon who I'll probably go off on! LOL! (I seriously think Scott loves me because I'm a sarcastic snob who is ALWAYS RIGHT) LOL!!! hahaaaaaaaaaaaa heheh.. :)

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hey whatever works right? I boldly walked up to Dave and told him to dump his girlfriend - she just wasn't right for him, ya know? I told him to let me know when the dirty little deed had been done because I wanted to date him now.

    Haha! It worked! Chuckle chuckle!

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    Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

    Ha ha - actually he told me that he feel in love with me at Denney's when I ordered a Banana Split... Hold da nuts! LOL

    I guess he couldn't stop laughing! LOL

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Website Examiner - hey thanks so much for reading and commenting! Ha! This was super fun - especially because of the hilarious comments:)!

    Austinstar - that's what's up!

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    Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

    I could solve all my problems with my boss this way! Thanks, WE

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    Website Examiner 6 years ago

    I thought you said you don't write fiction. If this isn't fiction, you shouldn't find it hard to come up with some. Anyway, this is an innovative piece that should inspire some people to try novel approaches to solving stubborn problems.

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    Motown2Chitown 6 years ago

    HAHA! That means you need TWO six packs, then. One for you, one for him. That's easy enough to be done.

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    At least while you have the beer goggles on! They can look so much more like your favorite movie star:)! Lol

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    Motown2Chitown 6 years ago

    True, Real. And, if you pop for a GOOD six pack, you get a better quality of guy...lol :P

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    BBG - somehow I just don't believe that! I would believe he got YOU that way!

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    Stacy Harris 6 years ago from Hemet, Ca

    Funny - I think that is how I got my husband!

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Oh lard! I started giggling with Stu's comment - by the time I got down to Austinstar's comment I was laughing like loon!

    WB - as long as you get your own beer and don't sleep with the wrong woman - I think you're gonna be okay.

    MO - you're absolutely right! Thanks for adding that - everyone can learn how to snatch a guy for a cheap six pack! Lol!

    Austinstar - LOL! Now I'm wondering what beer WB prefers - Coors? Pabst Blue Ribbon? I used to have a guy that fix anything on my car for beer! I once paid him a 12 pack to put new break pads on. Great deal! We called that guy applesauce. Give him an apple and some sauce and he'd do anything for you!

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    Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

    Wayne - anyone? Not too choosy are you? I'm guessing you don't really have a favorite brand of beer either, LOL.

    I think Ralwus would agree with you.

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    Motown2Chitown 6 years ago

    And you see?? Wayne was willing to give that advice for FREE and not even charge $239 for it. Pffffft. :)

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    Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

    Good stuff and funny too! Men only have two thoughts...I wonder if there is any cold beer left and would anyone like some sex? WB

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    Stu From VT 6 years ago

    Ruff - Sheepie's blushing!

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Stu - well you are a good looking dog:)! Haha!

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    Stu From VT 6 years ago

    RH - You are too kind!!! Stu

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    Tamila Roberts 6 years ago from Canada

    That just made my day! thank you

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Sister Mary - I am so glad you shared your success story! Lol! I'm glad you let him write once a day but don't give him real stamps or let him get a letter out! Haha!

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    Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    @Austinstar - I had to suffer through it and it isn't for the sensitive gag reflex type. I actally watched a few so I could get a handle on it all - I had to take Tigan right after!

    @Sean kinn - thank you so much! I love that show and I wish I could write for them! What fun!

    @Sharyn - my kit is only $9.99 and you can get on my E Z payment plan of 5 installments! Then I wil keep applying charges to your card until you cancel it:)!

    Stoo - come on face your fear! Don't be scared - there is probably many ladies there just waiting to tase you so you can be their personal sexy beast:)! Lol.

    No green stamps? How about a scooby snack? Haha!

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    Sister Mary 6 years ago from Isle of Man

    RH I used your method and it worked for me!

    Thanks for reminding me how I've stayed married for 20 years ... must pass tips on to daughters! I think you'd recognise the husband by his Hubs ... I let him off the gurney once a day to write.

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    Stu From VT 6 years ago

    RH,

    The taser and handcuffs scare me. If I sign up at your new site, I'm getting some medieval armor.

    BTW, I don't acccept personal checks. Payment must be made in cash or bank notes.

    Stoo

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    Sharon Smith 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

    Eewwww, funny and creepy all in the same Kel. So glad you are watching out for your girls. Uh, how much is YOUR kit?

  • Austinstar profile image

    Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

    I tried to watch the video! Made me gag. What a creepozoid.

    I'm sorry your daughter had the misfortune to get an email from him.