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Catching that man, taming that tiger, on line dating, and other dangerous pursuits

Updated on October 12, 2009
It may pay to be armed...
It may pay to be armed...

For many women dating has become somewhat of a mission. Once you leave your crazy college days behind and step into the real world, focus on your career for a while and establish yourself in your chosen field, you suddenly realize that 80% of the men are now married, gay, or in jail. This is just another one of those things that they failed to teach you about in school, casting yet more doubt on the education system as a whole, I feel, but you don't have to worry about that because it's too late for you, and unless you get yourself a man, then you are unlikely to have children to worry about, unless you adopt them of course, but collection children a la Angelina Jolie is another article altogether.

What you need is some help in finding (hunting) and catching that man. The man of your dreams may be a bit of a stretch at this point, so first make a list of things that you are prepared to settle for. Then go out and match the available candidates. I would advise ruling out anyone you meet at your place of work, unless it's your boss, because that's something that every woman should do at least once, like trying heroin, or bungee jumping without a rope.

Then you need to think like a predator. You have no hope of meeting men in a sewing circle, at least not available, single, heterosexual men anyway. You need to go where the single men are. Thanks to systematically decimating their female infant population, the Chinese currently have a drought of women. Going to China considerably increases your chances of getting a man, though he may expect you to work in the fields, its probably better than dying alone with thirty cats for company.

Alternatively, you can try on line dating. On line dating is much cheaper than going to China, and doesn't require that you live under a communist regime,which may appeal to some women. On line dating is fraught with dangers however. You've probably heard the horror stories about women being stalked and whatnot. Though the far greater likelihood is that your suitor will turn out to be either 12 years old or 70. Make sure you talk to anyone you are seriously interested in over the phone, and meet them in a public, secure place, like the lobby of your local police station.

You can never be too careful, so the following items are recommended when you first meet your on line beau:


Tazer (For those stubborn types who mace has no effect on)

White Gloves, Whistle (For directing traffic if the lights suddenly go down and you have to leap into the breach. Well maybe that's not why they recommend you carry a whistle, but what other use is it really going to have.)

Prophylactics (In case it goes really well)

Morning after pill (In case your protection fails)

Give a friend your number, and let them know where you are going. Tell them to call the police if they don't hear from you at an agreed upon time, and make sure your last will and testament is in good order.

Finding a mate is fun, and though it may seem torturous at times, just be thankful you're not a female spider, imagine the pounds you'd pack on if you had to consume an entire male after copulation.


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