- Gender and Relationships
Changing Yourself To Find A Mate~Advice For Women
This article is geared primarily towards women but can apply to men too in certain circumstances.
This was originally a post on my blog and I decided to update it and go into the things that people want us to change about ourselves when we date and get into serious relationships. There are a variety of things people want us to change. Some of it is good and to make us better while other things are outlandish and ridiculous and only serve to beat our self esteem down if we let it. These are the things I will concentrate on.
I have been told by a number of men the things they wanted me to change and very little of it had anything to do with making myself better. Some of it were things I couldn't change. Some I didn't want to.
Recently, I had a male friend tell me all the things I need to change if I want to meet someone. One or two of the things are good things and I probably do need to change them. But others are just plain stupid. I've spent years trying to find the person for me without success. With the exception of seven years of settling and being with an alcoholic in what was little more than a relationship of convenience and an engagement that lasted for five years I've spent the rest of that time dating and in short term relationships that went nowhere with a couple of sabbaticals. One being when my Mom was sick and later after she died totalling about three years.
In that time I learned that every man I went out with demanded some superficial change or another that was beneficial to him and had nothing to do with what I wanted or needed. And had even less to do with my personality or character. As a matter of fact none of that stuff even mattered. Some of those things included getting my breasts enlarged, changing my hairstyle and color, wearing different shoes(six inch stilettos were one man's fetish), driving a different car, getting a different job, some wanted me to be super skinny while others wanted me to gain twenty or thirty pounds, more than one has demanded I go to a speech therapist(I have an accent that I have for years worked at getting rid of), some say I'm too short, wear sexier clothing(by that it means skirts hiked up to your thighs and tops where your breasts flop out) and the list goes on. There's almost nothing I haven't heard. I've been told I'm an airhead. The majority of the men I've been out with preferred blonde hair and when I finally bleached it I was called a dumb blonde. When I wore my hair longer(most men prefer it long and there's no getting around that one) I was told I looked like a poodle dog. One website in addition to advising super sexy clothing(think Victoria's Secret in the bedroom) suggests getting hair extensions if your hair isn't long.
My former fiance preferred the gothic look and demanded I dye my hair black which I did. I can't say it suited me however. He absolutely wouldn't set foot out in public with me if hadn't spent two hours in front of the mirror doing my hair and makeup. I had one man tell me I must look good at all times to go out with him because he wanted a woman that looked good on his arm. I once had a prospective date tell me he'd only date me after I'd changed my hair to suit him. Some men didn't think I had enough money for them to date me. Later when I had more I was an object to be used by dates and friends alike. And when all was said and done I still got thrown away like an old shoe when the new seasons fashions were introduced.
Being caring, loving, kind, intelligent, etc. mean nothing in the big scheme of things when it comes to attracting your future mate. Before you can attract him/her you must figure out what men in your age group are most attracted to and make changes accordingly. It's the physical changes I'm referring to although depending on your personality you may have to make a variety of changes there as well.
So when my friend suggested he could make me into someone that would attract my soulmate I was naturally skeptical. First, he can only make suggestions on what he likes, not what other men like but can base suggestions on what he believes other men like also. Since, he was quick to point out my flaws and although he said he was only joking I believe there was underlying truth behind his statements. I will address this set of flaws now. I now have all of the old imperfections in addition to new ones. This new set being an unfortunate part of the aging process.
So, if you are an older woman looking for a mate you will have twice as many hurdles to overcome. First being lines and wrinkles. Now we all know there's no way to get around it but no man wants a woman who has lines. Even if the reality is he's old and wrinkly and you still look better than he does. So if you're looking for a mate forget months or years of using creams and moisturizers that may or may not work. Make an appointment with a plastic surgeon and get a facelift, laser surgery, fills or botox. This isn't to say you shouldn't use creams before the procedures and after. I've heard it recommended a few months prior and for heaven's sake, stop smoking if you do. As for your weight, lose it with diet and exercise. If you have a hard time with it and it doesn't go as planned make an appointment with a good doctor that can prescribe some pills to help you lose weight or get liposuction. Once you've lost the weight, if you have residual fat and flab make an appointment with another surgeon to take care of that issue.
Some things you can't change like height. You can wear high heels of course. As for hair and clothing I would suggest before going out and making drastic changes to test the waters. That means before going out and bleaching your hair blonde or cutting your hair per your stylists recommendations to try maybe a wig first. Not some fake looking thing but a good real hair wig. Try two or three different styles until you find the one that seems to be the most appealing to men. You can also ask some of your male friends for their opinion. When you find the style and color that men find the most attractive you can then change it. And remember this isn't about what you like, it's about what they like.
Next, do the same thing with the clothing remembering men like sexier clothing. As for colors and styles this will vary from man to man. The only thing I can suggest here is to do whatever the man likes again remembering it's about what he likes not what you like.
If you are older and looking recognize that your chances of finding a mate are slimmer. And if you've never been married your chances are cut even more. Because for the most part people view those that have never been married by the time they are in their forties as having something wrong with them. People think there must be some good reason like you have commitment issues or you're psycho so that's the reason no man would ask you to marry him. While for some commitment is the issue there are others where the relationship didn't work out and it's better than a divorce but in the dating world this will be a mark against you.
In all of this you may be wondering where your true self went. Well, to a certain degree, being yourself is a pipe dream when it comes to finding that special someone especially if you are a woman. If no one has told you before that you can't really be yourself then I'm here to tell you that you can't. And this applies to every aspect of who you are. Not just your physical appearance but your personality right down to your core beliefs.
If you find yourself offended by what I've said here, don't be. I'm just the messenger. You will find plenty of articles written by women telling you to be yourself and some men but those same men may have hangups of their own.
If you don't feel like giving up who you are and find some of these suggestions outrageous then my suggestion is to give up the idea of finding a mate. If you don't have the money for some of it, again, give the idea of a mate up.
Remember, men for the most part want women younger. A 50 year old man hasn't yet grasped the idea that a woman his age isn't going to look 25. A male friend pointed out that he would never choose a woman who has lines. "Why should he", he said. Unfortunately, many men share this shallow viewpoint. This means, if you are a 50 year old woman you can forget finding a man your age. If you truly want a mate you will have to lift those age requirements and throw out that laundry list you had when you were 30 that may have worked then because you are in a whole different arena now. Not only are you competing with women your age, you are competing with women half your age. And you may have to settle for someone that only has a few of the things on your list.
In my experience, men thought they needed to change nothing. They thought they were flawless and perfect and it was up to the woman to change to please them.
If this sounds like something you aren't interested in I don't blame you. You can adopt a new attitude of simply being yourself and understanding that your chances of meeting Mr. Right are slim to none and decide that you are okay with that. Decide to love yourself and that you really don't need a mate to be happy. You can do everything for yourself that a man can do and probably better. If no man wants you for you then it is his loss, not yours. Every man that rejects you has given up the opportunity of being with someone who is kind and loving.
It is your choice. You decide what you want. You decide what you will change and what you will not and if you are comfortable being alone. And remember being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't want you for who you are.
One last note: Romantic love is not unconditional. If you want unconditional love get yourself a pet.