Abuse Questions and Checkpoints--Conversation Cues, Lifestyle, and Habits

For the basis of this 4-part article series, describing how common Christian relationship advice sets up women and children for problems, see Part 1. Part 2 explores control tactics, maturity factors, and sexuality. Now we move on to conversation considerations, lifestyle choices, and habits.

These are a few things to notice while talking with your partner (or potential partner).

• Does he interrupt you often (or mostly).

• Does he make fun of you?--your vocabulary, mannerisms, health, diet, lifestyle, house or location, pets, or other aspects of your life.

• When speaking, does he tend toward monologues, or does he understand give-and-take? Does he actually listen to what other people say - with his heart as well as his head? Does he listen at all?

• Does he usually state his needs and wants clearly and directly, and without being manipulative? Or does he seem to expect you to read his mind?

• In what ways does he demonstrate that he is capable of seeing someone else's perspective?
• How does he respond or react to your heartfelt desires, dreams, and needs? Notice how he speaks of your talents, dreams, ambitions, hopes, fears, and other personal responses--to you and others. How he responds to these things reveals what he thinks of you--your heart, soul, and spirit.

• What revelations have you had about his sense of humor? What does he find funny?

• What are his favorite movies, and why?

• Who are his heroes, and why?

• Has he ever lied to you? Why, and about what? What is his attitude toward getting caught in a lie?

• In what ways has he made you feel as if you are less than he is, or as if you deserve less?

• Does he ask your opinion on everyday matters? When you disagree with something, how does he respond? Does he offer lip service, but disregard your desires or intuitions? Does he stare you down, or get verbally abusive? (hurling accusations, screaming, calling you names, making threats).

• Does he speak to others of what he considers to be your flaws?--stubbornness, habits, accent, etc.

• How does he speak of other couples?

If he says that he loves you, but belittles what you think and desire, you can assume you are nothing to him but a form of masturbation. And no matter how well he seems to treat you now, in a few years’ time, the only thing you will be able to count on is the tension of instability. He needs to be allowed to disagree with your perspective . . . but he should never cross the line of disrespecting your passions, dreams, and talents, by scoffing at or otherwise belittling them. If you accept this behavior from him, he will continue to use you as a step-ladder for his ego, and may even take joy in your subsequent misery. Your life will grow smaller, not larger, and the drive and passion you now feel will dissipate, as you become used to having your emotions crushed. You will become sub-human, but a shadow of your former self. It is difficult to get yourself back, even if you leave behind the emotional abuse that erased you.

A person’s lifestyle can reveal quite a lot about their core beliefs. What can you guess about your man, based on his lifestyle decisions?

• Does he seem more interested in prestige, or in helping people?

• How does he really feel about his money? Notice what he does with his spare change. For example, is it all over the floor of his car? In a jar on the counter, with a designated purpose? In a growing personal fund for charity?

• How does he feel about your money? Does he want to use it? Feel threatened by it? Or seem to feel that you are entitled to what you get?

• Does he know how to budget his money? Is he willing to do so, and where in that system might you fit, supposing you did not have your own income for a time? Are his bills paid regularly and on time - with a cheerful attitude? In what condition is his credit? What debts has he incurred, and what is his system for paying those back? Does he regularly bounce checks, or take out small loans of family and neighbors...which go unpaid for months or years?

• What is his work record? In what ways has he attained his positions, and how does he respond to co-workers, his boss, and others in the workplace?

• Is he making a living doing what he loves, or just killing time until some magical point at which he can advance? Is he at least working toward something which he is passionate about, perhaps in his spare time?

• What does he feel is his mission or purpose in life?

• Can he outline for you what his goals are for the next year, five years, or perhaps even 10 years? Is he making serious efforts to achieve his goals and ambitions?

• How does he spend his down time?

• What hobbies has he, and in what ways does he devote himself to these enjoyments - time, finances, education….

• Does he study or learn on a regular basis, even when he does not need to because of classes, etc.? Does he make consistent efforts to grow as a person, even when no one is watching?

• Does he ever engage in Bible study on his own? In what way does he apply or use this learning? Does he regularly use it for divisive purposes, or for impressing others?

• What lifestyle and living arrangements does he think are ideal?

• Has he demonstrated a clear ability to truly care for his own home and possessions, including keeping up on laundry, dishes and basic cleaning chores? - or does he always leaves these responsibilities to someone else? What about basic cooking skills?

• If you meet him outside of an official date, how does his appearance strike you? In other words, what is his norm when he is not trying to impress anyone in particular?

• In what condition are his vehicles, and how did he acquire them?

• What is his normal hygiene?

• How would he describe his goals for his family and children, whether current or future?

• How does he feel about pregnancy, child rearing, adoption, and similar matters?

• If he has traveled, for what reasons has he traveled? Has he done it for business, or pleasure - perhaps for vacation - or because he was running away from something? (Emotionally, if not legally?)

• How does he view education? Particularly, in what way has he used any education he has gotten? Does he ever use his education to put other people down, or to show superiority?

• How does he respond to beauty, whether man-made or natural in form? Does he make special efforts to cultivate beauty in his life?

• In what ways does he demonstrate healthy boundaries?

In this section, we will examine more minutely what sorts of details go into your partner's make-up. This is not a personality test. These questions are designed to reveal, under greater magnification, those things which will probably lead to trouble down the line, or of which you should be aware as you consider making a commitment.

• To whom does he turn when he has a problem? - and after airing the situation, what steps does he take to resolve his problems?

• Can he stand to spend time alone with himself, even when he is not simply exhausted and planning on sleeping or relaxing?

• How does he feel about self-help and self-improvement materials and efforts? Therapy and counseling? Especially beware if he thinks therapy is great for you, but not for him.

• In what ways does he show off? What are his attention-seeking behaviors?

• To what things and conditions (circumstances) does he feel entitled?

• Does he regularly spend time examining his own heart, and in what ways does he deal with what he finds there?

• From what kinds of things does he have a tendency to run?

• Does he demonstrate a poor-me attitude, or a lack of empathy?

• How about frequent negativity or pessimism?

• What are his criminal and traffic records? How did these records develop?

• Does he seem to attract trouble, or always seem to be in crisis?

What are his bad habits, and to what extent is he willing to go to continue these habits? Examples might include:

• smoking

• drinking to excess; drunkenness

• recreational drugs

• sex with strangers, or with many different people on a regular basis

• rage

• addiction to drama

• addictions to p***, TV shows, or other fantasy driven media

• compulsive spending

• destructive eating habits, including eating disorders and compulsive eating

• gossiping

• uncontrolled talking, or constant talking

• procrastination, and many unfinished projects

I met the book Captivating after reading its companion volume, Wild At Heart. Written by a husband and wife team, Captivating is addressed to women, and Wild to men. I loved both.

What I adored--and found most helpful--about Captivating, is the fact that it is deep and includes life changing teachings, yet is calm, thoughtful, and heroic in its lack of condemnation. It is also never dry or stiff. It is like sitting down for lunch with the wisest woman you know, and discussing a wife’s role in creation. Not only wife . . . all women. This book is a woman's advocate . . . yet never short-changes the men, either. Its approach is balanced, and even fun.

The main teaching that is atypical is that women were created--and designed--as a crown for creation--not merely as an emotional and sexual appendage for males. I found this not only refreshing, but instructive. This helped me begin healing from years of emotional and verbal abuse by chauvinists, beginning in childhood.

Other points which were well explained:

• God woos us, as Christ’s future Bride, much as a man woos a woman during courtship. He does this even before we properly know Him, by putting things in our lives that point us to His attentions and care for us. (Several examples are given.)
• He wants to go on adventures with us, and help us experience new things.

All in all, this is an excellent book!