Coming Out Struggles
How To Say "I'm Gay" In The Open (To Yourself)
Talking from the perspective from a bisexual female, who has been confused about her sexuality from the age of 6 to 16; I have found it very hard to come to terms with my sexuality and found it even harder to think about talking about it to other people. For those 10 years, I have loathed myself and refused to talk about these feelings to anyone; until two weeks ago.
I was in Hawaii talking to my already openly bisexual friend and we were talking about how I had been fantising about girls and we do talk about women just as much as we talk about men, sexually. This is when she said she thought I was probably bisexual, me being me, I said it was probably unlikely but anyway, I did online tests and inside I knew; I was bisexual indeed.
On this holiday, I met a girl, who was also bisexual. She was nice and kind and full of life, and she liked me too; but I was currently in an unhappy relationship with a boy back at home. So I didn't progress the relationship any further.
Being bisexual consumed me with guilt and still does a little because of my boyfriend, who I knew would be scared by the prospect of having a 'gay' girlfriend. He would often make comments about transgender people and the gay community, which would enrage me and cause a massive fight between us. When I arrived home, I cried about my sexuality and I told him and split up with him. The guilt I feel for him, can be quite overwhelming and I tend to cry a lot over the matter.
However, being gay has never been a choice for someone and neither has the choice of who you love. I could not go back to that relationship after coming out 'to myself' and saying to myself "I'm gay" because I would personally feel like I am lying to myself and it isn't a choice for me anymore, there is no more hiding about it. Being gay brings it's many problems with discrimination, homophobia and even trans people have transphobia and discrimination; to belong to that community, gives me a sense of pride because the LGBTQ community is one of self-pride, self-love and self-respect to me. It brings a hope that one day people can accept each others differences and all live beside each other happily.
Currently, I have not told my parents about my sexuality, even though I know that they will accept me (despite the odd comment my father makes). The reason for this, is my underlining desire to feel 'normal' in my parents eyes and I still have a slight fear of them rejecting me. I have always had problems with self-loathing and anxiety and that adds to the way I want people to percieve me.
I mean how hard can it be to walk up to someone you love and know loves you and say "Hi I'm Gay"? The answer is very hard for anyone, no matter who you are (unless you think it's not then good for you)! The reason why it is so hard for people to come out to anyone, including themselves tends to be because of the amount of hate and alienation the LGBTQ community can get. I mean in the UK and US it has only recently been legalised for gay men and women to get married and that still has a lot of negative views towards it. Most of our parents lived in a world, where 'gay bashing' was a common threat to the LGBTQ community and they were often branded as 'perverts' or 'sick'. To this day, we still have to deal with rude names and being told 'it's not normal' or 'it's not natural' and that ridiculous slogan 'it's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve'. People are progressing in this world but it's not enough for an LGBTQ person to feel safe or accepted in today's modern societies. We still have to walk down the road and see people shouting hate or whispering behind our backs, like we didn't even know our own sexualities or we didn't know what half of them were thinking about us.
Despite all this prejudice hate, I think opening up to yourself and accepting who you are is a major step and should absolutely be done as gently as possible. Take time to explore yourself and come to grips with who you are, do not rush into things or immediately tell yourself, stop lying. If you can get horny about it, honey I'm sure you can love it. My personal advice is do not throw yourself into situations where you could be confronted by your feelings either, such as into a relationship or sexual situation as if on the off chance you didnt like it then, you could upset someone else. Just go run a bath, pour in some lovely bubble bath, maybe light some candles? And relax and think to yourself, what do I like? What do I want? And hopefully everything will become more clear to yourself.
If you are really struggling though and you do not have anyone to talk to about this matter then check out these sites:-
This site has a list of chatlines you can ring to help you talk about your problems as well.
Stay strong darlings, for the road is just beginning; I promise.