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Fair Fighting - Communicating when you are arguing with your husband

Updated on November 11, 2015

"Sometimes he makes me so mad, I could just..."

"Why can't he understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I want to talk about it, but he just doesn't want to listen!"

"Why can't he figure out what I want him to do?"

"She just makes no sense when she starts off!"

How often do you fight with your significant other?

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Let's face it, when you marry someone you are going to spend more time with them than any other relationship you have had till now. It can be difficult, if not impossible, to not argue with this person whom you live with day in and day out with.

Sure you never thought you would ever argue when you decided to get married, but hey that was before you had to share the same bedroom and bathroom with this guy. Yes it may take a while for the rose tinted glasses to come off but reality will intrude sooner or later.

1. You can Argue about Anything

It is best to be prepared for it. You are going to spend a lifetime together and there will arise situations wherein your opinions do not match. This is natural for any two people no matter how similar they are in taste and preferences.

For instance you may want to go for a beach holiday while he is more interested in going to the hills. Or it could be something more serious like where to invest in a house. Any decision that you need to take as a couple can become a minefield for an argument ...IF YOU LET IT! Try not to argue about trivial issues that do not directly affect your lifestyle. It will save both of you more time to ask about each-other's day.

2. Learn to Pick your Battles

You will agree that if you decided to contest each opinion that differs both of you are going to spend a lot of time fighting. So choose not to argue over things that make to particular difference to you.It will give you more peace of mind, and when you do decide to dig your heels in your husband will be more likely to let you have your way.

For instance what difference does it make who gets to pick the movies? You are there to spend a few hours with your husband and eat pop corn and enjoy yourself. So let him pick the movie and save both of yourselves some angst. Tell him "You pick this time, I'll pick the next time." He will appreciate it.

3. Communication is the Key

This may sound like something the teacher at a management workshop may say, but its just as true about your personal relationships. It helps you understand where the other person is coming from when you know why he thinks the way he thinks. This will only happen if you talk to each other. And no arguing is not talking.

For instance my husband feels that eating street food is unhealthy as it would give you an upset tummy. Initially I would argue about it and say any food cooked in a restaurant could also give you an upset tummy. We would end up fighting and a perfectly good evening out on town would be ruined. I realize now that its not that he doesn't want me to eat the food, he's just concerned about my health. Now I eat street food when he is not around. Saves argument and I get what I want.

4. Fight fair and stick to the point

Many husbands say its impossible to fight fair with their wives because they dig out older fights to argue about each time they fight. For instance yes it may have been embarrassing for you when he got drunk at your sister's wedding and made a fool of himself five years ago, but what does that have to do with not taking out the garbage today?

Wives have a tendency to spew out all that's bothering them and they rarely do it in a logical sequence. This makes it difficult for the husband to fight back, so he shuts down and leaves the room. This reaction makes the wife feel that the fight is unresolved and it will make them stew in a foul temper.

5.Keep calm and talk sense

When you fight you have a pressing issue. So keep calm if you want to resolve the issue. Think up of possible plans and compromises that can be worked out. Do not get unreasonable and start issuing directives. That is not going to help solve the problem, it may just make things worse.

For instance if you need to figure out how to watch your favorite TV shows when he wants to watch the sports channel, come up with a schedule whereby out of the four hours TV viewing time you have he gets two and you get two. If there is a special match he wants to watch let him, but when there is a good movie you want to watch you should get to do so as well.

6. Keep normal communication channels open

Even if you are fighting, take a step back to talk about normal day to day things. Sometimes talking about the Boss who called and irritated you can be a good way to diffuse the argument with your husband. After all he is part of your support team and will be more than willing to tell you how to deal with the Boss.

This will bring back the fact that while you may be arguing right now, both of you are in fact a team. You married each other and will continue to help each other in difficulties, both big and small. A minor argument can often be easily shelved if the wife just asks the husband for help with another issue.

7. Always make up before you sleep

This one is a golden rule in my book. No matter how mad you are at each other, and no matter if the argument at hand has not been resolved, make sure that you hug each other and say that you love each other before you go to sleep. This makes both husband and wife realize that the argument issue is a small thorn in the fabric of their marriage. It will eventually be plucked out.

Most of us will never be able to sleep as long as we feel upset about the issue that is being fought over, so it helps to know that you still love your partner even if you disagree on this issue. It helps to demonstrate that fact with a hug and a kiss to show that love is still alive. After all just because you have had an argument today is no reason for you to love your husband less.

And if you think otherwise, then its time to rethink that relationship!

Do you think it is healthy to argue in a relationship?

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Some Couple Argue, Others Don't

No two human beings are the same and so no two relationships are also ever the same. Some couples tend to argue more than others. There are also some who rarely fight. Where does your relationship fall in the spectrum?

No matter how much you may argue (or how little) make sure that you find a via medium where both of your feel understood and heard. No marriage or relationship can survive if the couple does not communicate. If sometimes the communication is loud and argumentative, then so be it. Just make sure that you fight fair, and when the fight is over forget it.



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    • cashmere profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from India

      Love the concept, right now we are on the reverse, two bedrooms and one bathroom :)

    • Reena Daruwalla profile image

      Reena Daruwalla 

      6 years ago from INDIA

      I always maintain that the secret to my happy marriage is separate bathrooms. same bedroom, different bathrooms! that and not bearing grudges or keeping scores

    • cashmere profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from India

      My dear feline profit, decades of being married makes you wise :)

      Daisynicolas, somehow i seem to have forgotten how we managed to talk for hours on end without arguing before we got married :)

      LL Woodard, very true, being right and being proven right is not always the best way to end an argument. After all each relationship is built on compromises. Sometimes its better to have peace in the house than to be told you are right.

    • L.L. Woodard profile image

      L.L. Woodard 

      6 years ago from Oklahoma City

      Something I've learned to keep in mind when dealing with interpersonal conflicts is that "being right isn't always the most important thing."

    • daisynicolas profile image


      6 years ago from Alaska

      Because you are arguing, NOT communicating. Most men don't like an argument with women. Look back when you guys were falling in love. You know how to talk with each other before, so use the same tone before. It may work or your situation has dramatically changed and you might need counseling.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 

      6 years ago

      How wise you are, cashmere! :)


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