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The Crochet Artist

Updated on October 5, 2015

An Abundance Of Yarn

I've been crocheting since 2009. I needed something to occupy my time and hoped it would help me feel better about myself. I was married at the time and my daughter was six months old. I felt useless and worthless because I tried so hard to be what my husband wanted me to be that I became very ill not understanding what that was. I understand more so now about what it means to be wife and a mother away from Nate. So to me, that just means I wasn't meant to be his wife. I have no regrets on how I've handled things for the past two years. I know in my heart that I fought hard to get my kids back. I was even planning to work it out with my husband even after he gave me two black eyes. But, I had questions that needed to be answered for many years. Like, why I couldn't get a certain someone out of my head. I realized why later. I've learned so much on my own than I ever had while I played the role of Nathan's marionette. Yes, I may be struggling financially, but I'd rather barely be getting by in L.A. than financially set in Sioux City with my parents having full control of every move I make. I'd always be wondering how to sneak over to my kid's school so I can see my daughter smile one more time.

Blanket After Blanket After Blanket

I remember sitting on our couch crocheting in our family home in West Des Moines after living in a homeless shelter for a little over a month. We were there because Nate didn't appeciate the financial help my parents were relucantly giving us. I'm not going into my parents yet. That's a whole nuther article.

Nate asked me when I planned to get off my lazy butt and be a housewife. What I was thinking was, "You mean, when am I going to go to the kitchen and cook you a meal that you will whine about how it looks and tastes because it's not how you make it. Then you are going to guilt trip me all the way to McDonald's about how much money I am wasting when you spend half of my check on cigarettes and booze. Booze that goes down the drain because of all your demons you bring into the marriage. Then you point fingers at me assuming that the reason why I am not in happy in our marriage is because I am fantasizing about a hobbit. Really?" But, no I just say, "Sure, honey, what would you like me to make?" His response, "You're the housewife. You should know me well enough by now." My thoughts? "Well, I am not going to know unless we discuss it first." What do I say? "Okay, honey. I'll think of something." What do I want to say? "Heat up a hot pocket, you whiny dork." This was the same man who asked, "Why are you just making Mercedes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when there is plenty of food in the fridge to cook something more filling?" That normally flew out of his mouth whenever he had an argument with himself and was smoking cigarettes and talking to himself in the bathroom." All this happened frequently within the span of five years.

The Many Types Of Stitches

I began wondering if I should really put all this out there, but I believe I should. I am not putting out there because I am pointing the finger at Nate. I shouldn't have said things out of anger toward him, but it built up over time because of Nate's controlling tendencies. Nate told me that eventually I'd say "Nate was right. I should've listened to Nate." Yes, I did listen to Nate. I kept listening to Nate so much that it wore me out and made my ears bleed.

Tables Turned

The tables have turned now

Isn't that what you used to say

A price that we'd all have to pay

Just because you were angry

Because of the ignorant things you used to do

I stood there and let you talk to me

Thinking I deserved all that you put me through

I guess I just never knew

What I did to deserve you

The chains that you locked on my wrists

Your burdens that you pelted me with

Rolling my eyes now

With every kiss that you spoke

Mistreated my kids for you

When I really wanted it to be you

Really began to despise you

Because of every cold-hearted word

You let me sit through

Domestic abuse, huh

That's funny, honey

I remember the attack being one-sided

Had to be on your side

Otherwise it was the curb side

How tasty is that curb now

Is there a cushion there

To make you feel at home

A home which we had never known

Now I'm in a torture chamber that burns

Poisoned tongue

Crisp and clean

Times when you weren't always so mean

It means more to me

Now that I am away

Don't care if you miss me

Or the way you used to kiss me

I am thankful for you though

You may never know

Or believe it is so

I'm glad you were so bad

And threw me in the arms of another man

All You Need Is Love

Should I have stayed and worked it out?

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