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DATING Men and Motives

Updated on October 6, 2009
Both Men and Women have MOTIVES
Both Men and Women have MOTIVES


I'm currently not dating because it's too challenging to discern the MOTIVES of the men I date. Does he truly care about me or is he looking for a self-serving anecdote? Here are some of my experiences:

Somewhere I heard or read that men need to feel needed. It seems to me that when I happen to meet someone and share that I am in a somewhat "weak" state, he feels more needed and appreciated because his need to appear the hero is satisfied. On the other hand, when my situation is strong and he sees my independence, he becomes intimidated and feels I don't need him.  It's a catch 22.

I went out to an early dinner with a male coworker I worked with years ago. Because it wasn't a "date", the waitress brought the bill and heard me tell my coworker that I would take care of my own. He insisted on paying, so I insisted on at least leaving the tip. The waitress interjected how impressed she was to see a man actually pick up the tab!? Apparently, she sees more and more women paying the tabs for their dates. Wow ~ I had no idea!

It is also interesting that so many "separated" men are out there dating. I've dated some that state they are divorced, only to find out they haven't even filed yet! Is it more common than not that a man tends to look for his next secure relationship before completely leaving his current one? I am not stating that ALL MEN are like this; and I suppose women do the same thing. The point being, I don't believe this is RIGHT or emotionally healthy.

Older men seem to flock my way (I'm talking a 20 -year age gap). More often than not, these men LIE about their age (as they confess to me later). The sad truth may very well be that a man in his 60's is getting close to retirement. His wages will be greatly reduced and perhaps he's not planned for such a drop in income and his lifestyle won't survive at that point. Doesn't it make sense that a 60-year-old man expects to live another 20 years, so why not find a woman 20 years younger with a fabulous career?

I really dislike spending time and energy to discern the motives of the men I date. My dating follies to date really thwarted my ability to simply trust someone to be true and honest from the get-go. Love does not seek its own way at someone else's expense.

Yes, I wish the old-fashioned provider, protector, hero would enter my life. I've learned to listen carefully to his conversation to help me figure out any possible ulterior motives he may have. If he says, "I'll never get married again", I'm gone; "Keep our dating confidential because there'll be a lot of upset women out there who may contact you", I'm gone; "My ex never had to work a day in her life and she thinks she has a right to anything?", I'm gone; "Love is all you need (coming from a man who has no stable job)", I'm gone; "My wife is a drug addict and I'm planning to leave her. I just need some comfort (sex)", I'm gone.

It concerns me when a man tells me his wife is a drug addict. Let's see....did she become a drug addict after she married him? Was she a drug addict before she married him? Do the math. He either chose to marry an addict, meaning he was or is one himself, or he drove her to becoming an addict to keep her in a needy state of mind; she's simply chosen to numb the stress of being his wife!

I also look carefully at the behaviors of his ex. He'll either tell on himself, or I might witness his interaction with her first hand. He loved her at one time. She loved him at one time. He may appear the "victim", but I am wise enough to put myself right in her shoes and see my future with this man. I watch how he interacts with her. Is he hostile? Does she hang up on him? Does he bash her to me or others? Were the police involved in their disputes? PAY ATTENTION.

What's really interesting is the "let's be friends" after I decide a potential love interest is not the one for me. Then, he exhibits jealousy when I choose to "date" someone else. I think it's healthier NOT to be "friends" with someone I've dated.  On the other hand, I've seen guys I haven't felt romantically attracted to NOT want to be friends and furthermore, exhibit such an ugly temper by sending degrading text messages to the point of forcing me to contact the police!

Wealthy men I've dated are really shocked when I choose to stop dating them. I suppose they either assume I need them financially or because of his wealth, he feels entitled to treat me like one of his pets (you know, rub my nose in it when I upset him; show me off at as many pet shows as possible; expect me to fetch his paper and follow him around, etc.)

Oh, and here's something I don't know if women have grasped yet. Once a man is through with the relationship (and he's the only one that knows this...), I've seen him do a 180 and suddenly act like a jerk to make it seem like it was my decision to end the relationship. This is what I call a "constructive break-up".

I face things head on. I believe in open communication and I do tell my dates the "flags" I am seeing (the things that concern me). If he can't take the accountability; he's gone. If anything, my advice will help him with his "game" the next time around...with someone else.

Men and women have to be smart and not think in fantasy terms. Reality is not always pleasant to embrace. In fact, I've almost lost all faith in true love. I may date again someday.  If anything, my observations and experiences may help prevent greater suffering in the lives of my dating readers!  Happy dating ~ 


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    • Shepherd's Lamb profile image

      Shepherd's Lamb 8 years ago from Roseville, CA

      no body, Amen! I find we have no anxiety in anything because God is faithful to accomplish His will. He brought Eve to Adam and Adam knew immediately she was his and he was hers. There is no doubt in faith. Amen!

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 8 years ago from Rochester, New York

      I've never been much for dating. I've always believed that God will lead ones life into the cirle of life of the one He wants us to be with. Then He will make it evident to the two that God's will is for them to be together. Then the process of courting begins and lasts until God communicates to both that they are ready to proceed to wed. The term dating is so distorted. Dating happens all the time and means nothing to the world and very little to those doing it. Very little information and knowledge of each other is exchanged. My wife and I knew we were going to get married for a year. We spoke in terms of when we get married almost from the time we met. We really never "dated" until after we married and then we dated at least once or twice a week since. I'm not sure any of this helped you at all. Suffice it to say, you will know when you have met the one. You won't have to worry about motivations and such because God will lead. I love you so much my sister. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    • Shepherd's Lamb profile image

      Shepherd's Lamb 8 years ago from Roseville, CA

      Yes, I think it best to look for the fruit of the Spirit, for when God blesses a relationship, it is deeply loving in Him and for each other. I have yet to find that God is my Man until then! Amen! Good luck to you ~ keep your heart safe because YOU ARE WORTH IT! Thank you so much for stopping by ~ baaaa aaaaa

    • lil k profile image

      lil k 8 years ago

      Wow....I'm actually saddened at how difficult it is to find a suitable partner. I've not been long in the dating game and already it seems as if it would be better left alone...but I'm still young so I guess I've still got plenty of rounds to go. Thanks for the insights...I'll be sure to be on the look-out for those warning signs.