- Gender and Relationships
DATING Men and Motives
I'm currently not dating because it's too challenging to discern the MOTIVES of the men I date. Does he truly care about me or is he looking for a self-serving anecdote? Here are some of my experiences:
Somewhere I heard or read that men need to feel needed. It seems to me that when I happen to meet someone and share that I am in a somewhat "weak" state, he feels more needed and appreciated because his need to appear the hero is satisfied. On the other hand, when my situation is strong and he sees my independence, he becomes intimidated and feels I don't need him. It's a catch 22.
I went out to an early dinner with a male coworker I worked with years ago. Because it wasn't a "date", the waitress brought the bill and heard me tell my coworker that I would take care of my own. He insisted on paying, so I insisted on at least leaving the tip. The waitress interjected how impressed she was to see a man actually pick up the tab!? Apparently, she sees more and more women paying the tabs for their dates. Wow ~ I had no idea!
It is also interesting that so many "separated" men are out there dating. I've dated some that state they are divorced, only to find out they haven't even filed yet! Is it more common than not that a man tends to look for his next secure relationship before completely leaving his current one? I am not stating that ALL MEN are like this; and I suppose women do the same thing. The point being, I don't believe this is RIGHT or emotionally healthy.
Older men seem to flock my way (I'm talking a 20 -year age gap). More often than not, these men LIE about their age (as they confess to me later). The sad truth may very well be that a man in his 60's is getting close to retirement. His wages will be greatly reduced and perhaps he's not planned for such a drop in income and his lifestyle won't survive at that point. Doesn't it make sense that a 60-year-old man expects to live another 20 years, so why not find a woman 20 years younger with a fabulous career?
I really dislike spending time and energy to discern the motives of the men I date. My dating follies to date really thwarted my ability to simply trust someone to be true and honest from the get-go. Love does not seek its own way at someone else's expense.
Yes, I wish the old-fashioned provider, protector, hero would enter my life. I've learned to listen carefully to his conversation to help me figure out any possible ulterior motives he may have. If he says, "I'll never get married again", I'm gone; "Keep our dating confidential because there'll be a lot of upset women out there who may contact you", I'm gone; "My ex never had to work a day in her life and she thinks she has a right to anything?", I'm gone; "Love is all you need (coming from a man who has no stable job)", I'm gone; "My wife is a drug addict and I'm planning to leave her. I just need some comfort (sex)", I'm gone.
It concerns me when a man tells me his wife is a drug addict. Let's see....did she become a drug addict after she married him? Was she a drug addict before she married him? Do the math. He either chose to marry an addict, meaning he was or is one himself, or he drove her to becoming an addict to keep her in a needy state of mind; she's simply chosen to numb the stress of being his wife!
I also look carefully at the behaviors of his ex. He'll either tell on himself, or I might witness his interaction with her first hand. He loved her at one time. She loved him at one time. He may appear the "victim", but I am wise enough to put myself right in her shoes and see my future with this man. I watch how he interacts with her. Is he hostile? Does she hang up on him? Does he bash her to me or others? Were the police involved in their disputes? PAY ATTENTION.
What's really interesting is the "let's be friends" after I decide a potential love interest is not the one for me. Then, he exhibits jealousy when I choose to "date" someone else. I think it's healthier NOT to be "friends" with someone I've dated. On the other hand, I've seen guys I haven't felt romantically attracted to NOT want to be friends and furthermore, exhibit such an ugly temper by sending degrading text messages to the point of forcing me to contact the police!
Wealthy men I've dated are really shocked when I choose to stop dating them. I suppose they either assume I need them financially or because of his wealth, he feels entitled to treat me like one of his pets (you know, rub my nose in it when I upset him; show me off at as many pet shows as possible; expect me to fetch his paper and follow him around, etc.)
Oh, and here's something I don't know if women have grasped yet. Once a man is through with the relationship (and he's the only one that knows this...), I've seen him do a 180 and suddenly act like a jerk to make it seem like it was my decision to end the relationship. This is what I call a "constructive break-up".
I face things head on. I believe in open communication and I do tell my dates the "flags" I am seeing (the things that concern me). If he can't take the accountability; he's gone. If anything, my advice will help him with his "game" the next time around...with someone else.
Men and women have to be smart and not think in fantasy terms. Reality is not always pleasant to embrace. In fact, I've almost lost all faith in true love. I may date again someday. If anything, my observations and experiences may help prevent greater suffering in the lives of my dating readers! Happy dating ~