- Gender and Relationships
DIVORCE: The Upside
Life is what you make it!
I struggled with whether to write this hub or not. Without a doubt there will be some readers who will mistake what I am about to say as being a promotion to end marriages. I believe “life is a personal journey” and each us is entitled to create our own “deal breakers”.
For every “deal breaker” you may have: cheating, lack of financial discipline, alcohol/drug addition, physical/mental abuse, lack of sex, or constant arguing…etc There is someone out there who is willing to endure those same circumstances until death do them part. Each of us selects our own friends, lovers, and spouse. It’s your life and you are entitled to have your own “deal breakers”.
There are those who would tell you they don’t believe in divorce.
They also espouse the belief that every marriage can be “fixed” if a couple is willing to put in the work, communicate, and seek “couples counseling” to address difficult issues.
In a previous hub I wrote “Couples Therapy: Why it fails” I shed some light as to why it does not (always) result in a saved marriage.
With regard to “work” I personally define it as doing one activity when you’d rather be doing something else. Now “a labor of love” is a completely different state of mind. The difference is you are doing something because you want to or you treasure the end result.
It’s almost a cliché to hear, “People change when they want to change”. A happy marriage is usually the result of two people coming together who want the same things and are in agreement as to how to obtain them.
Attempts to change, persuade, or give ultimatums to someone in order to get what we want often leads to disappointment and frustration on our part as well as resistance and resentment on the part of our mates. You are better off being with someone who “already is” what you want in a spouse. The key is to “know you” before merging your life with another. I discussed this in “5 Reasons Why Men Should Not Get Married”
Over the years I have come to realize (problem relationships) are not about accessing “right” or “wrong” but rather “agree” or disagree”. In the long run each of us is looking for someone who “agrees” with us concerning the major things in life.
When one comes to the realization she/he must change who they are on the deepest level in order to remain in a marriage or relationship it’s only natural to question whether or not the “right” spouse or life partner was “chosen”.
Ultimately we are all looking for someone who will love and accept us as we are. Ideally this means we also love and accept them for who they are as well.
Divorce & Second Chances
If we strip away the emotional pain and oftentimes-financial turmoil from the process a divorce is nothing more than acknowledging a mistake has been made. One or both people have determined they need to change course in order to live a happier and more fulfilling life.
The purpose of such things as divorce, bankruptcy, and amendments is to offer us an opportunity to have (a second chance) or make a modification. Even with our legal system we allow the majority of people who have committed crimes to get out of jail at some point in their lives.
Making mistakes from time to time is part of being human. Forcing someone to be stuck for the rest of their life because of a decision they made at age 19, 21, or whenever is to limit that person’s ability to learn, evolve, and grow as an individual.
No one gets married (planning to get divorced) but it’s good to know the law allows us the option to get out if we discover we’ve made a big mistake in our selection of a mate.
If there were no such thing as divorces I imagine there would be fewer people taking a chance on marriage.
With every ending is a new beginning. It’s like breathing fresh air!
It’s not uncommon for people to “find themselves” or rediscover passion concerning things/hobbies and friendships they abandoned or sacrificed in order to fit into a marriage that discouraged them from being their “authentic self”.
Staying married for the wrong reasons is just as bad as getting married for the wrong reasons. Neither marriage nor divorce should be taken lightly.
This is your life. Don’t let fear of the unknown or the opinions of others determine which road to take in your personal journey. Whatever you decide there will be days of sunshine and days of rain. Only you can decide if a grave mistake has been made or a simple adjustment is needed. Use everything you learn to become the best you possible.
You are responsible for your own happiness.
Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself!