A long and winding road of abuse.
In the middle of WWIII
As a 20 year old, the lack of knowledge I possessed, ran deep. I was far from truly knowing myself, yet thought I knew it all. Only recently breaking off a year-long engagement to another man, I needed an answer. I need someone to show me my self worth. Why? Today I know the answer, but then I sought my own truth, from others.
After only a short conversation, with my now husband of 12 1/2 years, I decided that this man would be "the one". At least "the one for now". But little did I know, he had his own agenda also. My naivete brought me to where I am today, sad and alone, with three children suffering the consequences of my (then) selfish choices.
The hurt in my marriage, started almost immediately. I was married on November 2, and by the end of that December, found that I was pregnant with my first child. That began my torturous marriage.
As soon as H (my husband) found out about the pregnancy, a new H emerged. A nasty, selfish, mean, degrading H who had previously been so charming, loving, and fun. I found it difficult to be a good wife to someone who refused to hear my cries. Of course at that age, I did not realize the differences between men and women. I simply loathed the fact that H could not see how much I needed him during that time.
Soon after finding out about baby number one, we moved out into the world, on our own. So began my hell. As I would sit comfortably in my home, pregnant and emotional, dear H would sit in front of me doing drugs with his friends. As soon as his friends left the home, I knew what was coming. H would constantly berate me and abuse me emotionally, sexually, and finally, physically. He first put his hands on me when I was 6 or 7 months pregnant. I wasn't happy with his abuse so I decided to take a walk. When I returned, he pushed me down and sat on top of me and told me how weak and stupid I was. That he loved me and I should learn how to deal with love, since "nobody in your life has ever loved you like I do".
H would stay up for days at a time, and then abuse me physically and mentally until I had sex with him. He would call me names and slam doors, insisting that I owe it to him. "We're married now", he'd say. "Every woman has sex with their husband, and you will too." And he would continue putting his hands on me and not letting go no matter what I said. He didn't care that I was pregnant and feeling horrible. He didn't care that he had just insulted me for two hours straight. He was going to get what was his.
This continued for several years. I was pregnant with our second child when our daughter was only a few months old. My first son was born 9 days before our daughter was one year old. During that pregnancy there were several issues with H. He had his druggie friends over, all hours of the night. If I was trying to sleep, H and his friends would call me a bitch and talk about me as if I didn't hear every word. As soon as his friends would leave, H would come after me for sex. It could be 3 A.M., I would be fast asleep (finally) and he would wake me up, bitching at me, telling me how lazy and stupid I was and beg for sex all at the same time. He would keep me up, calling me names and torturing me mentally, until I gave him sex.
One evening, when the two babies were very small, H wanted sex again. Of course, the drugs made him a savage beast! I refused to give it up and H grabbed me by the hair, pulled me by my hair from the living room to the bedroom, and choked me until I was nearly unconcious. And then he did the un-thinkable, he took sex from me.
There were many evenings where he would touch me and do sexual things to me in my sleep. My love for him died during this time. If there ever was love, I don't really think so.
I would catch him doing drugs in the bed next to me, and he would deny it. He would leave in the middle of the night and do who-knows-what, then deny that too. One time I decided to confront him, and he sat on top of me with a 15" blade knife pointed at my face, with my 1 and 2 year old children watching. After H finally got off of me, he proceeded to follow me to the couch where the children were crying, and he pulled me down onto the sofa by my ears. My two children sat, one on each side of me, crying along with me for what seemed like hours. It was horrible.
Over the years, H choked me on several occasions. One evening H and I were out drinking with H's brother. The three of us left the bar, I tried to get the keys from H, but he would tell me to shut up and get in. This particular evening was one I will never forget. H continued to drive around the area where his parents lived, and began to drive further and further away from our destination, home.His brother and I were trying to tell him to turn around, but his driving became more erratic. He had no idea where he was going. I began to pass out in the back seat, and all of a sudden I hear yelling. I open my eyes and we are floating on a river! The three of us were scared, trying to figure out what to do. Then H opened his car door, and water began filling the car. H's brother was smart enough to open his window, and we literally swam out of my car window and swam to shore just a few feet away, luckily. We ran to a person's house and knocked on the door, but they refused to help. So we walked in the opposite direction and happily found a resort that was still open. We walked in, completely soaked, and we explained our story to some of the locals that were there drinking their last drinks of the evening. H and his brother found some people to help with the car, and a nice lady gave me some dry clothes to wear, while she dried my clothes in their dryer. I appreciated that.
Not only did H have no apologies for this incident, but he totalled MY car. I still owed my aunt money for the car, and had no way of replacing it. H didn't care. That was what he wanted. He did anything and everything to keep me at home. I didn't even have my own vehicle until my children were 1 and 2, and H would leave the gas tank empty, making sure that I didn't go anywhere or have fun in any way, shape, or fashion.
The final time that H put his hands on me, I documented the pictures and my own report of the incident. H figured that out, and never put his hands on me again.
He may not have put his hands on me again, but he has tortured my soul ever since. He makes sure I don't have any friends or family to turn to. He has told me 100's of times that my family does not love me. Every girlfriend I tried to have, he would tell me how horrible they were and that I was much better off without them. When I didn't listen, he would monitor my emails and he even found my password book and got into every single account I had online at the time. Shortly after this incident, he talked me into believing that he was taking my computer to a friend of his, so that his friend could "fix" it. My computer never worked the same after that, and I found out when going through a divorce (which he still refuses to finalize) that he went through my emails and found evidence to use against me in the divorce. He once told me that if any judge gave our kids to me, he would make sure that neither he nor I, would have them. He wanted his parents to take our children.
He tells me that I'm a loser constantly. Ever since the day we married, he has told me that I'm lazy and need to get a job and help support the family, even though we agreed upon the fact that I would stay home with our children when they were young. To this day, he still constantly harrasses me and tells me that I'm not a good woman or a good mother. Although I finally know the truth, thank God.
He's always told me to get a job when HE is stressed out about money, not accepting the fact that he spends all of our money on drugs. Every time I've tried to get a job, he's found a way to sabotage things. The last job I had, I loved completely. I could've stayed there forever, and actually enjoyed what I did for a living. But H didn't like that I was a secretary at a disposal company and it was comprised of mostly men. He escorted me to my company Christmas party that year, and proceeded to tell me how each and every person I worked with was a loser, and asked me how I could work with such scuzzy people. He didn't let up until I quit that job, and today still tells me how worthless I am because I don't work.
I had two psych evals done, for our divorce, and they didn't show bipolar like H hoped they would. He wants me to be crazy so that he can justify his behavior. But those tests did show what I've always known; depression, anxiety, a social phobia, PTSD, and ADD. H didn't like those answers, so he once again, talked me into believing his crap. I did not resume my relationship with him, but because I am nice to him, he takes total advantage. He recently let our house go into foreclosure so that I could not receive a penny of it, in a divorce. He could still be paying that mortgage, he just decided to screw me over once again.
I was moving into a townhome last December (right at the time he was getting booted out of our home) and he decided to blackmale me once again.
I didn't find out until I was 23, that my biological father didn't know I was his, and that the man my mother always said was my father, wasn't. I was told that my mothers family lied to my biological father, and such is life. For seven long years I looked for my father, with the resources I could afford, to no avail. When I was working for the disposal company, my very first day, I overheard a man saying that he finds people online. He proceeded to tell another woman in our office, two stories of success. As I sat there with my back to him, I wrote down my mother's name, my father's name, and the years that they knew each other. Literally an hour later, this stranger called me at work and had found my father. Well, my father's family. My father passed away two years earlier. This was a life-changing moment for me and I will never forget it.
After growing up with an alcoholic mother who was never around, and married 6 times, one of those men molested my sister and I. I longed for a father from the time I was probably 5 years old. I watched other fathers with their children, and saw how those children were so much happier with their lives. I wanted that. From age 5 to this day, I've wanted a father or a brother, or any male in my life, to guide me and give me protection.
Anyway, back to last December, my dear H decided to blackmale me with this, "I'll give you the money to go out and meet your new siblings". I told him, "I refuse to take that money, you will expect something in return, you always do." But he fenagled me into believing that he was doing it to be nice. I told him that he could not move into the townhome with me. I'm getting assistance at this time, and he could jeopardize that by living with me. He has several family members in the area he could go to, but he decided to use me this time. I repeatedly reminded him that my lease says you cannot have a guest for more than 14 days, or you may lose your home. If that person is not on the lease, they cannot live there. Plain and simple, right? Not for H. He's still here 3 1/2 months later and refuses to leave.
I cannot tell you how much each day is spent on his mental and emotional abuse towards myself and my children. It is constant. If he's not face-to-face with me, telling me how horrible I am, he's treating the kids like dirt. He'll be holding my 11 month old, and talking to me through him. He'll say to the baby, "Maybe your mom should be taking care of you, it's her job". The next moment he'll be playing with the baby. The moment following that he'll remark, "Geez, does your mom think I'm supposed to watch you all day?"
24/7 mental abuse. It's killing myself and my children. Just three days ago, I told him to leave, and he refused. He said he's not leaving without custody of our children half and half. He said he doesn't have anywhere to go, which is a load of shit. I told him to leave over and over, and he's still here, acting like nothing happened. Every day that he's here, he could possibly be putting me in jail for welfare-fraud because HE is not supposed to be living with me while I'm getting assistance. I don't want to get the police involved and he knows it. I threatened to call 911 and H said, "Go ahead, you won't do it." And I didn't do it because I didn't want the drama for our kids. They've seen it before. It's devastating.
So, now I am going to my management company tomorrow and asking them if they'll send a note out saying that they know someone else is staying here. I want to show H that he has to leave. But will he? I plan to talk with his parents and try to get their support, because H needs a place to live. But how will that go? I'm not sure.
I have nobody I can go to. I have nobody to protect me and be here with me to make him leave. He takes advantage of my goodness and doesn't care on iota about his children, or he would've left long ago.
I have an awesome relationship with my children, and they tell me everything. They don't like their father and they want him gone. They like both of us better, as parents, when we're apart. I know this. H doesn't care.
So, as I sit here, chain-smoking and full of anxiety of the days ahead, I feel a tad better having written this down, but still worry about H's reaction when he's told to leave. And I am also asking that the divorce is expedited. Although H will not concede without having shared custody of the children. He doesn't deserve shared custody, or I would gladly oblige.
What is a person to do? I'm afraid of him. He's killed kittens in front of our children. He owns several guns, and in the past has been very "pushy" with them, without actually pointing them at anyone. And with his 24/7 drug-use, I am afraid, very afraid. I want him out of our lives forever, but he will not go.
I pray for my children and myself. I hope we may live and prosper.
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