Dating 101: The Zombie Fanatic
I am one of those people you only hear about when meeting a matchmaker for the first time, or when your friends try to convince you online dating would be a better option than becoming a mail-order bride, or when your mother, during your sister's wedding, sighs and states audibly, "Well, at least, I can say I saw one my children get married - thankfully before I am too old and senile to remember it" - you see, my casual dater friend, I am the archetypal weirdo attractor.
I have always believed you should date someone whom you share common interests or the same creepy fangirlobsessions - think Trekkies, Twights and Potheads - or the love of standing outside, often in the freezing cold, cheering for your favourite sports team. These are the people - the lucky ones - who you see while shopping for ice cream comfort or the chips of rejection and are almost always the reason to give datingjust one more try. It's not till after you accept a date from a seemingly normal, nice, guy do you realize the days of Andy Hardy are truly dead, and you have unwittingly accepted a dinner date from the next Jeffery Dahmer.
That whole metaphorical lesson about good and bad apples happens to be extremely relevant to the dating world, please remember that.
My most memorable weirdo - lets call him Williams (as in Ash) - met me outside the doors of the subway and insisted we have a non-traditional walking date. For the first few blocks he talked mostly about his friends and family before he moved on to one of my favourite subjects, books. I am a huge book junkie and have amassed a diverse collection over the years, something he seemed really interested in and we spent a few minutes discussing what I had read. I wholeheartedly believe you can tell a lot about a person depending on what he, or she, reads and could not help but ask him what his favourite book was - then he uttered, with unadulterated enthusiasm, the title that sent our date into a downward spiral, 'The Zombie Survival Guide'.
It felt like an aneurysm. I slowly repeated the title back in disbelief but before I could fully process the ramifications of this book being his favourite, his favourite above all others, he asked me the question ...
"Have you prepared yourself for the zombie apocalypse?"
I remember wondering if the ringing in my ears had made it impossible to hear the accompanying punchline but Williams quickly followed with, "This is pretty serious, have you?" All I could do was shake my head, no. He spent the next half-hour catching me up on the recent government zombie cover-up scheme, how highly placed government whistleblowers had been using Hollywood as a venue to send our thinly veiled warnings to the public about the need for preparedness for the impending epidemic through the zombie movies. Then with worry furrowed on his brow he offered to lend me his copy of the 'The Zombie Survival Guide', so I too could begin preparing my loved ones for Z-Day.
I couldn't say much. I think I choked out a couple of syllables as I furiously shook my head but in retrospect I should have felt touched he worried for my safety.
It wasn't until he affirmed my greatest fear that I would probably die within days of the zombie outbreak did I officially say goodnight. There is just something very disturbing about someone you just met predicting how you will meet your maker - even if he followed up his statement with, "you would be a pretty fucking hot looking zombie though"