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Dating 101: The Zombie Fanatic

Updated on October 18, 2011
janikon profile image

Stuart has spent three years trying to convince his boyfriend he is not hiding books under their bed and they are certainly not multiplying.


I am one of those people you only hear about when meeting a matchmaker for the first time, or when your friends try to convince you online dating would be a better option than becoming a mail-order bride, or when your mother, during your sister's wedding, sighs and states audibly, "Well, at least, I can say I saw one my children get married - thankfully before I am too old and senile to remember it" - you see, my casual dater friend, I am the archetypal weirdo attractor.

I have always believed you should date someone whom you share common interests or the same creepy fangirlobsessions - think Trekkies, Twights and Potheads - or the love of standing outside, often in the freezing cold, cheering for your favourite sports team. These are the people - the lucky ones - who you see while shopping for ice cream comfort or the chips of rejection and are almost always the reason to give datingjust one more try. It's not till after you accept a date from a seemingly normal, nice, guy do you realize the days of Andy Hardy are truly dead, and you have unwittingly accepted a dinner date from the next Jeffery Dahmer.

That whole metaphorical lesson about good and bad apples happens to be extremely relevant to the dating world, please remember that.

My most memorable weirdo - lets call him Williams (as in Ash) - met me outside the doors of the subway and insisted we have a non-traditional walking date. For the first few blocks he talked mostly about his friends and family before he moved on to one of my favourite subjects, books. I am a huge book junkie and have amassed a diverse collection over the years, something he seemed really interested in and we spent a few minutes discussing what I had read. I wholeheartedly believe you can tell a lot about a person depending on what he, or she, reads and could not help but ask him what his favourite book was - then he uttered, with unadulterated enthusiasm, the title that sent our date into a downward spiral, 'The Zombie Survival Guide'.

It felt like an aneurysm. I slowly repeated the title back in disbelief but before I could fully process the ramifications of this book being his favourite, his favourite above all others, he asked me the question ...

"Have you prepared yourself for the zombie apocalypse?"

I remember wondering if the ringing in my ears had made it impossible to hear the accompanying punchline but Williams quickly followed with, "This is pretty serious, have you?" All I could do was shake my head, no. He spent the next half-hour catching me up on the recent government zombie cover-up scheme, how highly placed government whistleblowers had been using Hollywood as a venue to send our thinly veiled warnings to the public about the need for preparedness for the impending epidemic through the zombie movies. Then with worry furrowed on his brow he offered to lend me his copy of the 'The Zombie Survival Guide', so I too could begin preparing my loved ones for Z-Day.

I couldn't say much. I think I choked out a couple of syllables as I furiously shook my head but in retrospect I should have felt touched he worried for my safety.

It wasn't until he affirmed my greatest fear that I would probably die within days of the zombie outbreak did I officially say goodnight. There is just something very disturbing about someone you just met predicting how you will meet your maker - even if he followed up his statement with, "you would be a pretty fucking hot looking zombie though"


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    • hisandhers profile image

      hisandhers 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

      Do you still have his number? At least then we'd know who to call when it all goes down- because if a zombie apocalypse happens, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the first to go.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      jeannieinabottle apparently, yes. we've all been living in imminent danger for ten years now, they have reanimated corpses hidden in several government facilities all over the world ...

      ... according to him, it's only a matter of time before they can no longer contain the zombies and well, obviously we'll all be living the real life version of 'The Walking Dead' ... unfortunately, many people aren't skilled in hand-to-hand combat or how to defend ourselves with weapons ...

      so, basically, we all need to be a little more like Buffy; look good and carry a bag full of weapons where ever you go.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      oh, my friend, lilyfly how you boost my confidence and have been so supportive - thank you! You are truly too kind. I had a good chuckle over your ex-sticker lover. And believe me ... I understand only wanting one thing from a guy.

      Sometimes ... it's all you really need.

      hearts, janikon

    • lilyfly profile image

      Lillian K. Staats 6 years ago from Wasilla, Alaska

      Oh, honey, live my world for a day!! Haha! But, I have to say, I'd probably find the Zombie crone a bit of an uphill climb, and not the fun kind,, have you ever thought of just wearing your heart on your sleeve? I had one boyfriend that would take those meat shop stickers, and put them on his pants, things like, "ready to eat", or '

      "tasty", or "Excellent source of protein". I don't know. Short of painting dayglo arrows to "The spot", since frankly, that's all I want from a guy anymore, anyhow. haha! Keep writing, make it a bit longer please, I already go into withdrawals at the end of your hub... love yaz, lily

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 6 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Wow! I thought I had dated some real weirdos, but this one is pretty bad. So, the government is covering up the truth about zombies, huh? Wow.

      Thanks for sharing this one! By the way, wouldn't it be crazy if there is a zombie apocalypse tomorrow? I would feel really bad about how much I just laughed at that guy. Hehehe. I think we'll all be OK though.